Warning: This post is meaningless to most readers.

I am attempting to a self development method inwhich you write about a the same troubling topic (s) in four sessions for about 15 min. Grammer dosent matter and it will be totally unorganized, as I will just let my thoughts flow. I am putting it online, as I think the effects will be stronger if someone reads it (or I at least think so). And obviously I want to be anonym. .

Today is miy 22second birthday and I have spent the whole day playing poker. I nknow I should, but I just can constrain myself. But I will have to. I know it is wasting time which I should spend to scoicalize and befriend others. My roommates put on a prty for me but I was barley there, I just wanted to look at my computer.

I am a virgin. I have never had a girlfriend, asked a girl out for a date, r even kissed a girl sober. Yet, I truly belive that finding someone to love, or at least explre sexuality is the most important thing in life. I reealy feel like I m am missing out on something and I am scared that I am losing my youth and and wasting my time. Will I look back upon these dyas when I am 30 and see what I haven’t accomplished. That’s is really scary to me.

Often I feel I donet have any mates that really understand me. That want the same things. I don’t think they know what I want and like. But how could they when I am not even sure myself. How can I find something I truly enjoy in life? I feel like I am taking no chances , that I am not daring to sert free my true emotions. I want a girlfriend, and I want to experience love but how can that happen when I never try to achive it. When I am not willing to do anything to get it. What do I think I should do? What do I want to become? Certainly more confident. Both among guys and girls. I wan teveryone to like me, but u have to reaclize that is not important. Everone dosent need to like you. I shouldn’t be afraid to voice my opoinions and do the things I really want to do.


Another probelmer of mine is that I always want to be the best, and I cannot accept that someone is smarter or better than me. Just thinking about younger kids who are better at maths than me makes my somach hurt. Being best at something is not he goal of life. Yet I have always thought so. Either to excel at sports or school, it should be because it is fun in itself and not because I wantto be better than other people. I know that cannot bring me happiness.

I want to let loose. I want to dare to say what I want where I want and not constantly compare myself. I am fine with having undefined goals in mylife but I really need to dare to try and achive the things I want . Being happy, you cannot be one your own, and I need ot socialize more. Relax, let your worries disappear . I canot be best, and everyone cannot like me.But I should enjoy myself. Pursue things that are important to me. I should regain the energy I had when I was even younger and apply it today. My life lacks energy. We only live once, and we are young for such a short time. Please, relax, act on you instincts.


Tonght I am going out, and imy goal is to approach at least 5 girls. Whish me luck.

Writing session 2



Last night I lost my virginity. It was totally unexpected and I am not sure weather it has left me reliefed or just uncomftable. I didn’t know the girl from before, and although she was ok looking, I still find it weird that I have given my virginity to someone I just met. And to someone whom I have no intrest in having out with or dating. On the other hand, what wrong can the experience do After all this is what I wanted. To have memories to look back upon. Yet I can t still help to feel dirty somehow. What a pussy I am .

Anyway,last night out was a blast . As me and two other virgin friends entered the club we were all really akward and not even drunk, which is a bad combination for the three of us. We were set on talking to girls, but for the first half hour we barley talked to each other. Than we got some beers, and acceidently started to talking to a hot girl next to us. This lighted the fire, and I am sure we talked to at least 10 good looking girls after that. Which is really unusual for us. It was so much fun and we decided to try and do it agai tomorrow. (Talk to more girls)

I was so surprised about how much I enjoyed being talkactive and I really think it something I will have to do if I want to become more happy. Talking, flirting and engaging wit others makes us happy. Nd I need to do that. I need to be less concerned with what others are thinking of me. Just right know, I am thinking about the girl I slept with and whether she is “good enough “ for me or if I made a mistake. I should be able to just enjoy the experience in itself, in particular since has no conecvences. But I am unable to that. I am of to playing football in 20 min, which I really loce, yet alwas whe I am playing I am thinking that I am not unleashing my fullpotenial as a player. And that I am infact better than the level which I am performing. Such thoughts are dragging both mypreformance as well as my experience down. If I want to be abel to enjoy smoething, I need to be able to focus more on the thing and not on the concevences that it has. (And in most of my cases, what I am doing has very little conseccvences.) It is the same with school where I am focusing on what I will get from doing that and so, rather than just focusing on the experiences. Of course, here are times where you d nee to think about the results of your actions, but I am positively sure that I am doing that way too much.

What I want to , until my next post, to not careless about others judgements (equally reflected inmy own judgements) and enjoy the experiences I am having.

I liked your post it was honest and although poorly written i see where your coming from, as for the consequence part of your second message everything in life has em you should never be too concerned with the out come of everything unless what you want is to truly gain something for example, test scores - financial dependency etc etc....

Congratulation on the Virginity phase too however you went about it, it is yet another milestone you've passed well done