| Let me give you my take on this particular topic, because I see it so often in others, and I have not only seen it, but lived it in myself as well. Different approaches work for different people, so if this gives you nothing, then fine, hopefully you find your answers elsewhere. So when you read this, it means the title has struck a sore spot, and come on, who hasn’t been in the situation where the girl casually mentions an ex-bf or ex-lover, and it not only stings, it hammers down on your chest. Briefly, what you need to understand and realize is this;
1. Investment
If this is a girl who you met out on town, took home and fucked, then obviously any mention of her past is completely irrelevant to you. Why should it be relevant? She is not relevant as a person yet, she is still just an object of desire. The moment you meet again, learn to know her, you move towards a position of viewing her as a subject, a unique individual with equal opportunities, rights and privilegies as you. Suddenly you have to grasp the reality that she is a human being, you actually like her (unless you want to stop seeing her, or you simply date girls beneath your league), she might leave of her own free will, and she is seeing you for who you are, as a subject, no longer just a penis with an apartment. So her assessment of you is suddenly not just of you as a lover, but as you. Whoa, way more on stake!! So you want her to stay, after all you like her, right? Dude, I am serious in this question, make up your mind here, otherwise you’ll fuck this up, due to lack of clarity, goal and self-delineation, but I will cover that another time. So you invest in her, you invest time, charm, stories, energy, space, money. You sacrifice other aspects of your life, maybe skip the gym once or twice to have time to groom yourself before making the 5pm apointment. Maybe not so important to meet your friends anymore, is it? Suddenly there is a whole lot of you on stake here. And I salute you brother, because investing in something takes balls! So many half-life’s going around with one foot in – one foot out, sitting on the fence, being constantly in a state of in limbo or ambivalence, and even though at some level they see that this is actually hurting them moment-to-moment, they do nothing about it! So you like the girl, and you want to invest in your relation. Good for you, I mean that! I truly respect your genuine interest.
2. Vulnerability
Being alive means being vulnerable. Accept this. Trying to avoid a sense of vulnerability is just ego slipping in the backdoor, disguised as ”approach desensitization”, ”failure = learning” etc. When you approach, you are being vulnerable. Accept that. When you try to seduce your gf into sex, you are being vulnerable. She might reject you. That hurts. Desentization is the little ego fucker, trying to tell you that life should be the absence of hurt, and rather indifference than living breathing sensations right? No, I tell you, that is WRONG! Vulnerability is good. You get nowhere without it, it is a necessity! Denial makes vulnerability play hell on you, disguising itself in other shapes, such as unexpected perspiration, erectile dysfunction, jealousy, blushing, sudden loss of meaning, you name it. Do not only accept vulnerability; expect it, hope for it. The less you feel vulnerable, the more it will play out in other, worse fields in your life, because it is a reality that demands expression!
I see I should write more on this, will have to be for another post. There are more bullet points before I integrate all this, but I am at work and have a meeting in 10 minutes. TBC
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CHAT