Hey guys. I've just finished high school, I'm 18 now but still, I don't feel like I'm a man yet. After a lot of research, I've come to realization that what is lacking is a certain rite of passage.

What would be your suggestions?
I've done already:
- I've had sex
- I've played, gigged in front of a lot of people
- I've solved problems with few guys fighting me (sadly, I didn't fight back)
- I know how to cook a meal
- I've finished HS with best grades (4.78 grade average)
- I've got into college (New York University in Prague)
- I've been alone for a week (so I know how to take care of myself)

What I'm considering:

- Getting in a fight with a guy, kicking his ass (he's giving me problems, on the other hand he has a TON of support from other guys, mainly lowlives in my town, so I could be facing getting my ass kicked that hard that I could finish in a hospital) ALSO: I believe in violence not-solving problems. Perhaps the act of standing up for myself would do, even without a fight. AND I don't want to base my manliness on something as stupid and low as a fistfight.

- Isolating myself for a whole day (no internet, no TV, no books, no iPhone) until I reach some kind of spiritual awareness of some kind.


Thank you for your comments. With love, P.

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You don't know the future, you can't change the past. The only thing that matters is THE CURRENT MOMENT.

You've done a lot more than anyone in this game has done.

You don't need to fight, it doesn't necessarily get you anywhere, bare that in mind. Sometimes the best way to fight violence is not to react, be the bigger man, walking away isn't a bad thing, I can look after myself, but if it's petty, don't bother, if it's serious, of course stand up for yourself.

I see no need in isolating yourself because this is modern era, where we have technology and things around. Just get out there, and be who you want to be, who you believe you can be.

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Been there, done it, oh and still doing it!

: Blog entries@ http://kennyspuathoughts.wordpress.com/

Do karate, mma, boxing ect. dont get into a street fight, criminal charges, you or he could get seriously hurt, humans are fragile a punch or kick that misses could be fatal.


I think you left off the list the most important thing fatherhood! and helping to teach your son to be a man come full circle as it were.

You are 18 and you are complaining that you arent a man yet???

Eh, what can I say to this?

You think living alone for a week (One Week) will make you a man? You gotta be kidding me.

You think that doing anything at all on your list will make you a man? Why would it????

Seriously, Im not trying to be a dick here but you need to wake up and smell the reality. You arent gonna be a man by a rite of passage, you arent gonna become a man overnight. You need to mature. Frankly, since you think that it was manly to live alone for a week, you got a long way to go. Cooking a meal, thats the least you could expect, and instant noodles doesnt count.

When you are ready to take responsability you can start thinking about becoming a man.

Plus, you probably wont be a man until you are ready to take my criticism seriously either.

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I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

Really to be honest you are sounding like a dick.
He's 18.
Obviously he has had a privileged life. Maybe he just hasn't hit that point yet.

Your sitting here acting like you are man but in my opinion the person who is willing to ask questions is a lot more of a man then the person who rudely criticizes a person for asking a question.

Reminder: The forum is for asking questions.

Ezo is right, there isn't any procedural list on being a "man". Best thing you can do to mature is to try and enjoy new experiences and take a few calculated risks while you can. Do some physical goals now while your body can still handle it (hey, we're not all Lance Armstrong ya know). Just get out there and enjoy life.

One thing Paeter was right about though is cooking for yourself. I'm amazed at the lack of cooking skill from people 25-and-under nowadays. I'm still young enough that I grew up with a microwave, but even in my teens, I knew how to cook a good meal without nuking it. As an example, I dated a dame a year ago that would starve if you took her microwave away from her. I sat down and showed her how to boil noodles in water and reheat a jar of sauce in order to cook spaghetti, and you would of thought she just learned a magic trick she was so amazed. Seriously.

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Thank you all for your replies.

@Ezo, I think I get where are you coming from. 18 and being a man? Yea, it does sound quite weird. But then, in a lot of cultures manhood initiations happen when people are even younger - 15, 16, 17. I agree that things on the "I've done" list didn't make me a man; if they did, I' wouldn't be asking this question. Apropos being alone for a week; it's actually quite a feat to do in my family, since there is constantly someone older around (be it parents or grandma).

I'd say asking this question - hell, even being in the whole PUA scene - is actually taking responsibility for my life. Sometimes I take responsibility for things that I feel I shouldn't. I constantly want to improve, I just feel that something in my life is missing. That it's not quite right, you know? Something tells me that I should be man now (at least that's the way it's viewed here in Croatia) but I don't quite feel like it. And it's driving me crazy.

Perhaps it's that core confidence? That "I am a Man" that I'm lacking. And I wonder how do I get it.

So yes, after a shitload of research on i-net the best sounding idea was to undergo a "rite of passage." And I'm wondering what to do.

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You don't know the future, you can't change the past. The only thing that matters is THE CURRENT MOMENT.

Awesome!

You actually understood. What Im getting at is not to critisize you rudely like the less fortunate assume. Im getting at that you need to change your mindset, you ask this question and you are right to do so. You get your answer and you take it like a man. Not so common. In fact the one coming in to protect you makes a fool of himself by coming to your aid when in fact you dont need it.

Im telling you that I understand that you are anxious to be a man and that you are looking for the point when you can call yourself a man. Truth to tell, nobody can tell you that you are a man. Some people are men at 18, some before and some after. Some never ever reach manhood. To become a man is a process, no need to rush it, it will come with experience. Now that I know that you have the right mind I can tell you that you are on your way. You need to embrace the fact that you are not yet a man. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and fend for yourself. You need to be able to deal with whatever the world throws at you. Without fear? No. Everyone is afraid, the world is a scary place, just remember that everyone is afraid sometimes. I am afraid too. Does that make me less of a man? No, it makes me more of a man, I am scared and choose to face my fears. You will get there. Dont worry about it. Have fun while you develop your manhood, it is just a heartbeat away.

Definately, being in the PUA scene is taking responsability. You gotta be strong to deal with all the issues you have. And you gotta be strong enough to take whatever advice people give you, even if it hurts your feelings. I am trying to help you out here but I am not gonna worry about not hurting your feelings in the process. I merely wish to help you in the best way I know. P.S. Croatia, my best friend is from there, I love the place!

To Lovely: Dude, yeah, I answer questions. I just dont do it in the little flowery way that is gonna make him feel all cuddly and warm inside. I provide real life experience based facts. Things that I wish to have known when I started out. Things that might feel awkward but that will in fact help him. If you wanna get answers that make you feel good, then be my guest. "Hey, you are a man, so strong and awesome, you dont need to worry about a thing, the fact that you dont get the results you want is not an indication that anything is wrong at all, you are the manliest man ever."

Sorry it doesnt work like that. Yeah, I sound like a dick, but either you are strong enough to take it, and you get helped by it. Or you are weak and curl up in a little ball and tell yourself how awesome you are and never ever listen to advice that force you to face the facts.
What do you know what his life has been like, who are you to judge how strong he is? If you try I am sure that you can see my point in the post instead of getting frightened about how terrible it is that he gets a bit of reality for once. The world is full of people who are ready to acknowledge you for nothing at all. But they are not the ones that are gonna help you. The ones that are gonna help you will analyze your situation and tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

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I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

I'm not going to be too hard on anyone asking on how to be a "man". While it seems weird to most, doing some sort of "coming of age" ritual is a really old idea that's only recently being dismissed by today's culture. Used to be that a young buck would go to the tribal elder at a certain age, then the chief would tell him to do some extreme feat, then once he did it, he would be "one of the guys". Hell, American men were doing this sort of thing as recently as the 1960's: Smoke cigarettes, get drunk once, have sex with a girl once, drive a car in a race once, all before graduating high school....now you're a man.

In a way, this line of thinking is kind of comforting. It takes a lot of the guesswork and stress out of the whole issue. Just go through a list, and that's it! Modern society has done away with such nonsense, and rightly so, as procedures don't instill maturity....experience does. That said, the downside is that we guys living in the 21st century are either dumbfounded on what we need to do in order to "grow up" and do stupid stuff until we figure it out on our own (inefficient, error-prone), or we end up in perpetual adolescence until we reach our 40's and do stupid stuff until we figure it out on our own (even worse).

That said, I think that there should be some sort of list of things that guys should know/do before their 18th birthday. Things like "cook a good meal without using a microwave", "kiss a girl/ask her out on a date", "take a shop class"....etc. This by no means should be considered a list to be performed and now you're a man....no. Just a list of experiences that will help you to mature in best way possible.

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Well, being a man is more about inner game than anything else.

Most people never reach the level of man. The world consists of 50% women, 5% men and 45% boys.

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I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

QFT

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Good post OP. This isn't talked about often enough.

What hasn't been mentioned is that manhood rituals involved confronting the fear of pain. Real pain. Things like cooking yourself a meal, going to college - these are OK, but they don't really cut it.

When I was a teenager I burned myself on purpose while daring friends. I don't think you have to go to this extreme, but somehow I knew I had to do something like that. Enduing physical pain is part of life and it's important to know you can bear it. This ritual is evidence of how some tribes see it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGIZ-zUvotM

There is also emotional pain. I would say a man isn't a man until he's been rejected by women many times. He has to learn that he can't depend on women for his own happiness. In our society men are often babied by their mothers too much, so they grow dependent on womanly nurturing. In tribal societies, boys were taken from their mothers around 12 years old.

Then there is something I call 'dealing with reality'. A man has to see things as they are, not as he wants them to be. Many people expect the world without knowing they need to put effort in in order to get it. They think they can become great with women over night. This is another aspect of our 'entitlement culture'. It is probably the result of doting parents, and TV ads promising instant success.

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