| I have a girlfriend (my first), and I don't feel good about anything.
I'm not sure how to explain. I don't know if it's oneitis. I certainly don't consider her to be the best woman in the world (much less my soulmate) but my internals are constantly churning whenever she's not around or not contacting me. I often feel as if I've done something incredibly boring (which is more than likely, considering I'm a terrible comic).
Part of it has to do with how brittle our relationship is- there is nothing stopping her from leaving me. She doesn't contribute much to attuning to my interests (why should she?)- she only started looking at media I liked because her boss did too, and she sometimes implicitly comments she likes characteristics of this other guy who is taller and infinitely more good-looking than myself (i.e wearing jewelry on one side). I guess the only good thing is that jewelry man is a solid 10/10 and well out of her range, but I don't know about her direct superior.
Sometimes I think to myself that I shouldn't care, that I should be spending time upping my game- but my body just downright shits on my emotions about potential infidelity all day every day. It just keeps screaming at me that she is going to cheat on me, and that all the information I invested in her (or that she learned from me) is effectively lost. It probably is, and I know I shouldn't care about sunk costs (apart from adding to them) as that just inundates me deeper in a lost cause- but then, the feeling sticks and I often feel lost for direction as to how to continue. She never invests anything of value. And then sometimes there are hints here and there of gold-digging tendencies.
I genuinely don't know how to build attraction without losing yet more valuable information to her. It's not just her, any girl would present the same problem. I am a terrible conversationalist, period, but I don't know what the fastest practical exercise to improve is. I already try to fix this by going out with friends and spend hours talking, but still cannot seem to grasp the essence of interesting conversation. Maybe I am not going out with interesting people, or maybe I am simply socially retarded to the point that I need an infinitely watered down group to learn from. I do not know. I just know that I am not progressing fast enough even though I've run through pretty much all the social circles I know at least twice.
I am also not a comic, so I cannot rely on that. I have tried to be and flopped. I will try again, but I don't feel I can make it in time.
In the end it comes down to a raw lack of attraction/seduction skills on my part and I have no clue how to proceed regardless of how much I think about it. Should I approach women at the mall? At stores? I could, and I guess I should- but then I imagine getting chased out of my own neighborhood for being a massive creeper, ahahaha.
I've read through several books including the Game, the Mystery method and Athol Kay's Marriage primer, and judging by the number of mistakes I'm making in this relationship (which I have no idea how to correct in a socially acceptable way- ie, practical negs, elevating my value without sounding like I'm tooting my own god damn horn, making conversation at all, and general social awareness) I honestly am often surprised she hasn't dumped me entirely yet. Matter of time, I guess, realistically speaking. I don't even know if the relationship is a lost cause (as in, she friendzoned me without telling), because she keeps stalling further escalation beyond the kiss. I'm beta through and through, and it took several days' worth of mental prep to even go for the first kiss the first time. My various attempts at building attraction have either failed or come off as sounding bizarre to myself, and she certainly does not hold attraction for me.
This has been going on for the better third of a year. This.. insecurity? oneitis? Well whatever the fuck it is has been affecting my ability to concentrate on my own work, sometimes it makes me work out better, and sometimes it eliminates my drive to work out altogether.
I need direction. Help.
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