So I've identified something I think is inhibiting my game. And I wanna find a way to change it.
I hooked up with a bangin little hottie on the weekend. Looks wise, easily up there with my personal best, but more so she got me on an emotional level better than any other chick I've met. I really like her. I use this only as an example though. I find that when I really like a chick, and have made some progress with her, i.e. kissed her, or received some level of interest from her, I feel that I need some sort of constant reassurance from her. Like I keep seeking reassurance that she's (still) interested. I'm not always conscious of when I do it, but I almost always catch myself afterwards. It's like I don't think before acting. Usually if I'm texting a girl, I'll often 'fish' for reassurance that she's into me. If I text her and she doesn't text back I'll start doubting what I wrote, or start playing through scenarios that I did something to lose her interest, and it gets to me. Sometimes I can snap myself out of it, but often not, usually the more I like a chick, the harder it is to reframe.

I don't think this behaviour comes out in me unless I've already established that she's interested. I don't give much emotional investment until she's given me something that indicates her interest.

So just after some ways to change this behaviour. It's coming from an insecure, needy place, and I wanna stop it.

Cheers.

You are scared to lose her.

To fix this is to get abundance of girls.
You need to game more girls (simultaneously) so you can change your behaviour around her.
- When your brain/mind notices that their are other hot/cool girls out there ... you will change your perspective, then follows a change in your behaviour towards your "cherish".
- Your girl will sense these change and will invest more on to you. You will basically flip the roles! You will be the hot girl and she will be the needy guy pursuing you ^_^ ...

Yeh ok. That sounds about right. Scared to lose her, yep, I'd agree with that.
Like I said, easily one of the most, if not the most attractive chicks I've had the pleasure of picking up. I think I normally sell myself short with girls in general, maybe I only go for the easy targets. Furthermore, and probably for this exact reason, I rarely find myself blown away by a girl. So perhaps this is fuelling a 'scarcity mentality', where I believe there are a very limited number of girls I'm truly attracted to.

Further perpetuating this is my current situation, I don't get a lot of time to do much socialising. Full time student, fuck all money etc, so as willing as I am to fill my life with amazing girls, I just don't have the time for it, and probably wont for a friggin long time yet.
Hmm, I agree in principle with this but in practice I don't think this always works. Another girl comes to mind, where I've tried to be actively less available to her, and this only resulted in us not communicating at all. A bit of back story, I met her at a party, she pursued me, she was on my damn case for weeks about wanting to catch up, we did, she initiated the kiss, then I think I came on too strong (as above with the neediness) and she backed off. We've met up once since then (I met her a year ago) and she initiated the kiss again. This time I've played it very cool, and we've gotten nowhere. It feels as though if I want something to happen, I have to make it happen, she's not gonna do it. So you see how I'm in a position here where I have to be the persistent one? I guess my next question would be, how do you convey that you are 'the hot girl' and not just disinterested?

Hahaha true ... I was in the spot before ... the student life no time for girl phase ... I'm an engineer ... I know how you feel of having not much time.

Well the point of abundance is not to prioritize your "cherish" at the top of your lists.
Therefore, another method is be a man of passion or a man on a journey. Meaning to put whatever your goals/passion at the top of the lists then prioritize your cherish below it.
- Girls love a man who is trying. The guys doesn't have to be successful at his passion ... but as long he is trying.
- For example ... girls dig guys in bands. Even if the band sucks ... as long the guy is trying and putting all his effort in succeeding ... she will be super attractive to him.

You can achieve the same behaviour as a man of abundance.

- I came across this idea at a very young age. During elementary school I had lots of girls who had a crush on me. They continuously wanted to date me and asked me out. But, all I wanted to do was play basketball ^_^. I practice all the time ... all I thought about was basketball ... I was obsessed with basketball ...

Summary, find a goal (excluding getting your cherish) you want to accomplish, obsessed over that goal, then go hang out with your girl.

Check out the book The Way of the Superior Man ... by David Dieda (I think that's his name) .... Super awesome book!

Oh I've read that book! It's very insightful. Might be worth reading again, or are there other books by Dieda that you recommend? I do subscribe to trying to be the best man I can be, and read a few websites on the topic.

I think I get what you're saying, having a passion is sexy, I fucking dig that in a girl like nothing else. Perhaps I've let a lot of my other passions in life fall by the wayside since going back to uni full time. Although I am pretty passionate about what I'm studying (myotherapy), maybe I need to engage in some recreational passions again. However, I don't think this will completely address my neediness towards a girl that I'm really into. I think as you said earlier the only thing that can tackle this is getting more girls.

I recommend you re reading it! In the book it says that if a guy is not on his path ... the girl will be dis please by this. There is one quote from that book I like: "Penetrate the world like how you would penetrate your girl" ... or something like that ^_^.

I guess either you get abundance through talking to more girls or for now, you'll need to stand on guard against any feelings/thoughts that come up when you start to think of your "cherish". When you start to think of her .... immediately cut it out and start to think that you have to get back to work (aka start doing whatever you are passion about ... basically go study and kill in your school!). That's the only way for her to fall in love with you is for you to prioritize more important things than her on the top of your lists. If you don't you will lose her ... you will express needy bitch like behaviour ... you may even fuck up your schooling ....

Install this behaviour in you now! So when you mature more ... you'll have this skill developed. This is also why a lot of girls cheat on their partner. Girls cheat on their partner because the guy loses all his passion and prioritize the girl over what ever their passion is in life is.

I was in the same boat as you already ... you may not listen to me now ^_^ ... but hopefully when you find your next cherish .. you will listen then ... muahahhaha!

Good Luck!

I just skipped trough some parts of the mentioned book, it says "Never choose relationship over your highest purpose" there for any women well only be able to come second in a mans life..
And i get that, that if my biggest wish in life is to be a football player i shouldn't prioritize my girlfriend before that.

But here is where it gets tricky for me, i am currently seeing a shrink, and with her help i have found out, that want i want mostly out of life, my biggest wish and my biggest dream, is to get a perfect relationship and have a family of my own, that is my biggest dream... so when suddenly i have to choose between my girlfriend and my school, how can i choose the second, since i believe deep down, that the first can lead me to my biggest dream?

_________________
My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

First off ... girls love to see a guy who is on his path ... have purpose in his life ... so if you want to find an awesome girl ... then she should be a girl who supports what ever you are passionate about. Again, girls love to see a guy trying to pursue his passion. So if you become a guy who puts the girl first and than his passion second ... she will sense that you are needy. The key point her is being "needy".

But, we can break it down even further. You don't have to find your purpose in life to get the girl to like you. The reason why I recommend you to do what you are passion about is because when you are doing whatever you are passion about ... you are not thinking about the pass or the future ... you are totally present. The only thing you are thinking about is your passion. The key point here is "being present".

So why are you needy? The reason is because you are focusing all your awareness to the future outcome or your pass experience .... you are "outcome dependent". When you focus on the future, you become needy because you are seeking a RETURN from the girl. The results are ... you caring of what to say to impress her, you hesitate to make a move, you don't know what to text her, you take her out to a fancy dinner, you run out of things to say, you feel anxiety and awkwardness ... you are basically needy. "You are needy because you are seeking something from her and you are afraid that you won't get it". This is what we call "self pity".

For example:
- You are scared to make a move on the girl because you are scared that you will lose her if she says no.
- You cause awkward silences when you talk to her because you are trying to find something to impress the girl.
- You can't focus on your present task because all you do is think about her ... or worst fantasies a future with her.

So the opposite of needy is being present to the moment. There are many ways to train yourself being present. One method is doing whatever passion you have. Second, and I highly recommend, is meditate of thinking of NOTHING at all for like 20 minutes. There are many scientific studies of the benefits of meditation ... plus I've been doing it for years and it is soooo beneficial to gaming girls and to focusing hardcore on the present tasks. The third is being sincere to the girl ^_^.

I will try to elaborate being sincere to the girl means. So sincerity means you have everything handled in you life. You come from a frame of "abundance". You are already sleeping with 10 girls, all the money you'd ever need, and all the sources of good emotions you could ever want.

So let's say you are a guy who has abundance of girls. So if you interact with another girl ... you won't be seeking an outcome from her because you already have 10 girls to fuck when you get home. Therefore, you don't care if she likes you or not ... you stop focusing about your self on how to act to impress her ... but instead you are focusing solely on making her have fun ^_^.

So we can replicate the abundance mentality by focusing solely on her having fun. Focusing completely on her well being. But, sincerity is confusing because most guys think that in the past they WERE being sincere. But in fact they were simply seeking a reaction out of the girl with compliments, favours, and expensive dates. Their approach was based on selling themselves.

A sincere guy is focused making the OTHER person happy. This is so key because they are no longer self absorbed and therefore feeling SELF PITY.

To get out of neediness, consider how "charity" works. When you do charity, you get out of your own head and your own little world of problems, so you wind up feeling good. Most people think charity makes you feel good from "giving" but even moreso it's from getting out of your own head.

NOW YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DANCING MONKEY OR INCONGRUENT. Simply do whatever you'd normally do, but put your mental focus on "I'm making her have fun". Later as it becomes natural it's just where your focus will naturally rest.

Also don't be afraid to diss girls who are rude or any of that, this doesn't mean becoming a push over AT ALL. It's just a general focus where you're enjoying your night and making people feel good.

From there you still have to be dominant, can bust her balls or tease her, or shove her away, and you MUST LEAD. But simply come from a sincere perspective. Meaning you are doing the above because you know she will like it and will make her feel happy.

I hope that helped ^_^ ... sorry for making it long ... it's all the knowledge I know about being a superior man ^_^.

If you still need help on being "present" or being "sincere" ... just ask me.

To summarize everything:
1) Work on training your self to be present. This is best done if you work on your passion, meditate, and being sincere.
2) Where is your awareness/focus is pointed at? Is it pointed at the future or the pass? Is it pointed at your self or at the girl? Remember to put all your awareness on the present ... this is done by focusing on making the girl "Have fun".
- I'm not saying to have no goals and just live life carefree ... I'm saying to have goals but "focus" on the steps to get there.

I hope I helped instead of confuse you more :p ...

Sincerely,

Donston

Dont be so insecure..act like you dont care

Thanks dude, much of what you said is about hooking up with girls and such, but im in a relationship, were i am very dependent on her, and seeks a lot of approvel from her.
Therefore i find it hard to understand how i can put what you say about "not being needy, cause you have other girls waiting", into my life since, i do depend on my gf

_________________
My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

Fuck ... I suck at at explaining things ... my bad ...

What I meant with the above is to copy the mind set of someone who has abundance. You don't actually need to have abundance of girls to have this behaviour of none neediness :p. Instead of focusing your attention of needing her ... and instead do the opposite which is being sincere to her. Instead of you focusing on yourself of how you will fall apart with out her. Stop being selfish :p ... and focus on the well being of your girl without asking for a return. "Love" is not base on how much you need each other. It is the expression of the appreciation for the other. The problem here is that you are to focus on selling your self and not even considering the girl!
For example:
- Instead of focusing on how you should impress her ... you should focus on what she is worried about and show her your love to open up. (< from superior man book :p).
- Instead of waiting for her to make a move because you are scared that if you escalate you might lose her ... focus on what your girl wants someone to lead her by you making all the decisions to escalate things, know that she wants a decisive person.
- Why do you think most guys never pull the trigger ... even there is obvious signs the girl wants to make out? It is because the guy is focusing on him self ... "What if she doesn't like my kiss " ... "What if I embarrass my self and she doesn't want to see me any more".... "She doesn't like me ... I have acne" (<--- I use to think like this all the time when I was younger) ... Even though the girl was totally down for it ... I was so self observe with my insecurities I never saw what the girl wanted.

- Sincerity is all about focusing on the well being of the other person with out asking for a return.
* The key are focusing on the other person ... not your self. This is being sincere.
* Don't ask for a return ... the mind set of an abundance person.
* Don't need your girl ... show your appreciation for the girl (aka. Unconditional love).
* Stop thinking about yourself :p. Stop think at all about the pass or the future (looking for results and return) ... think of the present moment (focusing on your girl and calibrate to the present situation).

Thank you Donston!

That was great advises, is hard to find someone how talk about "abundance menatlity" and girls, any other advise regarding that?

Hahaha no problem ... I enjoy helping! Plus it helped me fortify my knowledge on this subject. The only way to fully cultivate this behaviour is to practice and through gaining reference experience. Therefore, go out and interact with girls ^_^.

So the basics to being sincere:
- When you first start courting a girl and pick up in general [approaching girls through cold approaches], girls want to have fun. "Girls just want to have fun ^_^ ... cause girls ... they want to have fun". The problem is they worry that they might get judged as a slut if they are to easy to guys or they are constantly worrying that they might get embarrassed and society will judge them. So they may come out shy or defensive at first when you approach them. So the key point here is, "girls want to have fun but they are to shy that society will judge them." [This is one of the worry that girls have]
- It is up to the guy to demonstrate to the girl that you can have fun and people will not judge you for it. Therefore, you have to have fun first before the girl can have fun. This will demonstrate you being a leader and will demonstrate dominance because you are going to have fun despite what others will say to you. When you are having fun with out giving a shit what others think, when people see you (especially the girls) ... you will give them permission to have fun to. For example,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8amMCVAJQ

The guy dancing is having fun for his own sake ... he is silly and bold without caring what others think of him. Now notice how everyone else is just looking around ... this is what we call "spectator mode". People in spectator mode wants to have fun ... but they are insecure of what people might think of him/her. Basically, they are seeking permission from someone to have fun. But, they hold back because they are scared that people will judge them.
Be that crazy dancer without caring what others think .... You become the party that people wants to join because they want to have fun to! When they do join you or when you invite them they are willing to join because you are sincere by saying, "Yeah you can join the party ... I'm having extreme fun ... come join me!"
- So to summarize, girls want to have fun. But, they are seeking permission from the environment to have fun. You are providing that permission because you are demonstrating that you are having fun and nothing bad will happen. This is how to be sincere to the girl from cold approach, to dating, to marriage ... etc etc etc.
*"For the girl to have fun, you have to have fun first."
- The best analogy represent this behaviour is to be like Austin Powers ^_^ ... groovy baby! Cultivate this behaviour of being silly without caring of what others thinks. Be silly for your sake to force the "I am having fun" mind set. If you are doing approaches in the club, per se, focus on forcing the "I am having fun" mind set first. What I do at the beginning is approach to purposely get rejected (then laugh), find the most ridiculous opener I can think of at that moment and use it, do some ridiculous silly dancing. To my surprise most of my sets are very responsive because "I am having fun!" or they see me trying to pump my self up. The purpose of this forcing the fun is to provide to your brain that you can be silly and be having fun and everything will be ok. Once you give your brain enough proofs that nothing bad will happen for having fun ... your brain will remove all your insecurities and you will feel this inner confidence and that everyone will be sucked towards you. When referring to the video I showed you, this is why people started to join the crazy dancer. You will suck people into your reality! But the key here is, "Your brain wants proofs, not promises".
** At first you will feel nervous and awkward ... but the more you provide evidence to your brain that everything will be fine ... your brain will open the flood gates and your best self will come out! Meaning you will have less insecurities to worry about.

[A side note on embarassement: We can (and should) work to eliminate it from our emotional vocabulary. If it's worth doing, it's worth not being embarrassed about. And if it's not worth doing, don't do it.]

So now why does the "I am having fun" mind set and being silly like Austin Powers an important skill to being sincere and ultimately important for being a Superior man?

- So let's say you are in a relationship with a girl. There are three types of relationships listed and elaborated below:

Co dependent, independent, Inter Dependent
1) Co dependent is like 0 + 0 = 0 … meaning your in a relationship were both partners need each other. You are obsessive, clingy, and ultimately become jealous or to controlling of your girl.
2) independent is like 1 + 1 = 2. Independent is when you are seeing multiple girls. You meet up with a girl, you have sex, etc etc … but if she gets out of line … you cut her off. Abundance mentality! On to the next one!
Inter Dependent
3) Inter dependent is like 1 + 1 = 11.

Here I'll elaborate on the Inter Dependent relationship. In this type of intimate relationship; the point is to serve each other in growth and love, in such ways better than what you can do by your self. Basically, in this type of intimacy, the point is to grow more than what you could do by yourself, through the art of mutual gifting.

So for the man, it is up to the man to give his gift of opening the girl's heart when it is closed. The guys in relationships of Co dependent and the Independent types end up feeling burdened by the girl's mood swings. The guy considers her as a pain in the ass and wishes that she would leave him alone and just take care of herself. Soon enough the guy start to feel annoyed and tired of her. He ends up simply tolerating her moods as he builds resentment towards her. You wonder what's her problem and wonders why can't she just be happy?

Girls are either opening in loving surrender (the best part of why to be in a relationship) or have their hearts closed off in what results being an emotional test to opening up her heart (aka …. congruence tests). Through out a relationship, your girl will cycle through these emotional mood swings and it will never end (-_-). As a guy you need to embrace these mood swings.

So instead of simply tolerating your girl's cycles of PMSing and closure :p … you'll have to learn to open up her heart with your skillful loving. Both of you will grow far more by your skillful giving instead of your tolerating. The key her is, as a man, you should see the girl's mood not as a curse, but as a challenge and amusement to you ^_^.

[Side note, this can be considered when doing cold approaches or when girls give you any objections. For example there is a theory called the "4 times rule". The 4 times rule is when you approach a girl and you stay in the set after one, to two, to three, to four rejections. Meaning you stay in set until the girl rejects you after 4 attempts. In most cases, after the first few rejections, if you persist, the girl will eventually open up. Of course you staying in set, instead of being blown away, is base on your skill of opening up her heart ^_^.]

There are a multitude of ways to deal with your girls cycling moods of closure and open up her heart. You can tickle her, take off you clothes and do the gangnam style dance, press your belly into her until she melts, lift her off the ground and spin her around. You see most guys try to talk it out and try to analysis or fix the girl like a car. Occasionally, talking with her could help, but not as often as humour and physically expressing love [Dominance]. This is why it is important to develop your skills of being silly and dominance. These two are the most potent behaviour of opening up a girls heart. After her mood has turned into love ... then go talk it out with her and fix whatever is bugging her. Sometimes girls will be moody for no apparent reason ... well the reason is just she need her heart open. Therefore, when your girl is in a moody mood ... don't even consider there is a problem ... just assume she needs you masculine thunderbolt of love to open her heart.

Now I speak of growth in a Inter Dependent Relationship and how men and women grow are two different ways. The man grows by challenge as the girl grows in praise. Praise always magnifies the quality of your woman that you praise.
- For example, "You are so pretty when you smile" is far more effective than, "You are so ugly when you frown."
Praise is literally fuel for feminine quality! Therefore if you want your girl to grow in her health, happiness, love, beauty, radiance, and depth praise these qualities! Praise them daily, multiple times!
- For example, praising a girl of the things you enjoy about her exercising will amplify her exercising! On the opposite spectrum, by telling her why she should exercise [aka: calling her fat :p], you are saying to her how she is not acceptable to you the way she is! Praise works, information doesn't. Praise motivates a girl. Challenge doesn't.
- Therefore, praise specific things you love about your girl 10 to 20 times daily …. and see the effects ^_^! Or even praise things you want to develop in your girl!
[Side note for cold approaches: Qualification is probably one of the most significant skill to do in a cold approach or when meeting a girl for the first time. This will help avoid flake and last minute resistance (well it will help lessen her resistance.) Qualification is so important because it shows the girl that you like her more than her looks! You can even manipulate her if you by qualifying that she is adventures or that she does whatever she wants despite what her friends say. This will help her sleep with you … but don't tell anyone I recommend that to you ^_^]

Hope that helped … Sorry if I wasn't to detailed … I suck at explaining things ^_^!

thanks for your reply man!

I think that i am actually pretty good at being sincere with my girl. I always make her happy as much as possible.

The problem is when I don't feel like she is "returning the favor" like I am a much better person in this relationship then her. And I know that you write "don't think about getting anything in return" and such, which some of the time is possible. But in the end I just feel like, I am putting her over my self, and she is not even close to prioritize me as high as I prioritize her.

_________________
My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

"But in the end I just feel like, I am putting her over my self, and she is not even close to prioritize me as high as I prioritize her."

Let me mind blast you again with the topic of the "Abundance mentality". You see, girls, especially hot girls, have been offered penis since they've been ten years old. Most girls have an abundance mind set! Why would she need to invest in the relationship when you will stay there anyways? Why does she need to invest more in the relationship when you are easily replaced? If she is hot ... there are plenty more guys that are willing to date her O_O ... scary eh? Girls have an abundance mentality unconsciously or conscioulsy.

Do you know any guy who are married and they can't get their wife to fuck them? That's because women can't get aroused by their husband anymore. The girls know that they don't need to fuck them because ... they will stay anyways. But, once you put that fear into them that you can leave when ever you want ... that you can get another girl .... then they will start to get aroused for you ^_^!

If you want her to invest more ... you need to flip the switch. You need to make her think ....

Does your girl perceive you as being available to her no matter what, or does she realize that you're a guy who is highly attractive and in demand -- and she wants to do whatever it takes to please you?
..... If you are really considerate and sincere to your girl ... give her what she wants by being the above ....

Again you don't need a harem of girls to achieve this ... but, pursue a passion that prioritize over your girl that you spend more time talking, doing, thinking about your passion than your girl.

I know you won't listen to me now ... but, when you lose your girl and experience that pain and you start feeling dissatisfied with your behaviour ... go back to this blog ^_^! When I started in this intimacy with girls thingy .... it took me like 3 heart breaks to finally change my behaviours and beliefs because I hit my pain threshold to change for the better ^_^!

Summary:
Have girls worship you like you are the Son of god by working on improving yourself. Therefore, try to get a cool life that you can share with your girl. People who have cool lives want to be around other people who have cool lives. This is what makes you an interesting person. Second, make them feel constantly fearful that you don't need them in your life and you can easily find a replacement or you'd rather spend time on your passion than be with your girl :p ... this will make her chase you (aka: invest in you more). Also, you will not care at all whether or not you hear from them, because your own life is filled up with so much good stuff you don't notice. Which surprisingly will make them want to contact with you more! This is what it means to be non needy!

PS ... You are not being sincere with your girl if you want her to invest more :p ... You are just selling your self in hopes that she would buy into you needy ways :p ... "If I invest this much ... I should get this much in return" ... This is called the "Seller's" frame ... You need to be in the "Buyers" frame ... were you are evaluating her making her invest into you!

GOOD LUCK! Consider everything as an learning experience!

Lastly, if you want something ... know the price to pay .... and then PAY IT O_o ...