Hey guys,

I have recently been getting into PUA and journaling. When going out, I notice myself draw my inner confidence from my accomplishments (just graduated from a top engineering school, my lucrative engineering job, my performance on the basketball court, and generally other things I am good at). This was especially apparent to me last night when I met people who I thought were much smarter than me and it made me feel very intimidated and lowered my confidence. Not only that, I feel like I am constantly proving to myself that I am worthy because I have these "accomplishments" and that mentality prevents me from just being in the moment.

I am curious where you guys draw your confidence from and how did you achieve that state of mind. I don't want to rely on my accomplishments or material possessions for my confidence. Some of my accomplishments, I don't even care about; I went through a phase in my teenage life where I achieved many things to make others happy. Now I am at a point in my life (22 yr old) where I have complete freedom to do whatever I want. While I am spending more time doing things I genuinely like (working out, basketball), my brain always tends to pull me back to making decisions which, at the core, are for someone else, not me. I want to completely rid myself of this approval seeking mentality which has engulfed my teenage and young adulthood life.

Advice appreciated.

Confidence is just a feeling which is caused by a series of chemical reactions in your brain. You can make yourself feel confident at any time you would like... Example for you...

Think back to yourself on how you FELT when you completed school and got your degree... You felt pretty fucking good I would imagine. That is a hell of an accomplishment. Notice how easy it is to make yourself "feel" confident and how quickly you were able to attain this feeling? You can do this any time you would like... People change the way they feel all the time in a matter of moments.

Someone once told me, whenever you meet anyone, don't think, "What will this person think of me?" Instead, think, "What will I think of this person?"

Every time I think it, I smile because instead of worrying about how I come off to that person, I realize everyone is weird in some way and whatever that way is, it'll be amusing to me. Whether they become my friend, boss, girlfriend, whatever.

I hope this helps.

_________________
"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

Your achievements and degree etc. are not a bad place to start. Where you're going wrong is that what you think is confidence isn't confidence, it's arrogance and vanity. You are proud of those achievements because they make you look better than other people. When you meet people cleverer than you with higher degrees, you therefore feel like your vanity has been dented. That's not confidence.

Your confidence should come from you being happy with yourself; that comes from you achieving - or being on the path to achieving - what you want. Some will say just accept your place on earth etc. and that can bring inner peace and confidence. Maybe so, but that's not me and I don't think it's possible for a lot of people; most of us have desires and it's meeting those desires that is our purpose in life almost.

It sounds like you need to go away and decide what your goals are. Your current accomplishments are all well and good, but like you admit yourself, they aren't necessarily what you want or what you most desire from life. Decide what's important and then start getting it. And focus on it. Don't let other things worry you. Those goals you set are your purpose. When they are all that matter to you, everything else falls into place. You can chat to other people easily because what does it matter if this random stranger doesn't get on with you; if (s)he never wants to see you again it's not going to affect you reaching your goals. If (s)he does enjoy your company and wants to start a friendship/relationship, then great, added bonus.

Don't set goals that are just career/money related (although there's nothing wrong with setting those), but also things about your growth as a person - have you always wanted to a learn a new language or visit a certain place or become an expert on ancient history or whatever? Do it.