Hey I recently got into Game after a really bad break up. The main reason why I want to get into game is to better myself as a person and improve my inner game and which I think in turn would help me with girls. I do want to improve my social skills and be more confident when approaching women but as a whole I really just want to get good things to focus on my inner game and then hopefully everything will just fall into place from there. I recently realized what my real problem is for my emotional development and would appreciate feedback from anyone on some tips to improve it.

Growing up I had a very serious problem that I did not know until I was twenty years old. I grew up with an undiagnosed learning disability called a visual processing disorder. This is not an ordinary learning disability. It is a deficit of the right side of the brain that if not treated can create very serious problems. A visual processing disorder is a cluster of disorders that ultimately come down to your ability to interpret what you see. It caused me to have prosopagnosia, (facial blindness disorder) Dyspraxia, (Motor coordination disorder) Dyslexia, Dyscalculia and just made me feel like shit all the time.

Going through school I had a lot of problems with girls, school and sports. I was a doormat and let people push me around. I suffered from horrible self-esteem because it seemed that no matter how hard I tried I always failed and I never knew why which made me hate myself and made me look for approval from everyone else. I now know that all of this self hate was because an untreated learning disability was preventing me from achieving what I wanted out of life. I had no self esteem and had trouble reading body language which made me suck with girls growing up, and I would try to get their validation from them and chase them not knowing how idiotic I look till now. I hate myself for not realizing this problem earlier. I would spend hours studying and fail tests left and right and constantly got criticize by my parents and teachers for not trying when the problem was because I couldn't really read or write and no one could read my handwriting. I always wanted to be a good athlete and would work out hours a day and still sucked at sports and never knew why. (I now know that it was because the game was too fast to process and the dyspraxia made me have horrible gross and hand to eye motor coordination.)

When I was eight years old, when I was eleven years old and when I was fourteen years old there was talk that something might be wrong with me because I could barely read, had illegible handwriting and even though I came out smart I was terrible at school. My parents had none of this and said that it was all because I didn't try hard and refused to take me to see someone. So basically growing up I would try so hard constantly fail and could never figure out why and it became a vicious cycle and eventually led to learned "helplessness."

It was always my dream to be in the military an special forces since I was ten and I worked out hours a day prepping for this from middle school up. Eventually after high school I was able to get into Syracuse University. I was able to get by in school mainly because I had an excellent auditory memory and relied on that to get me through and instinctively came up with compensation techniques to get around my disability but still struggled so much. I hated myself growing up and it seemed that I could never get anything right. During my sophomore year of college I enrolled into a marine officer program called platoon leaders course. I passed all of the physical tests and was slotted to go there summer 2010. I was so excited this was my dream since I was a little kid and I finally had a shot at it. Little did I know what was in store.

When I got to Marine officer candidate school I had problems there that no one else seemed to have. I could not figure out how to organize things, sucked at navigation, scored a perfect physical fitness core but came in dead last in the obstacle course. The way it works in the marines is if you screw up everyone else pays so imagine everyone constantly paying for your mistakes and no matter how hard you try, you can't fix it. Everyone there hated me and for good reason. Those three weeks there were a living hell and if you have seen "Full Metal Jacket" I had to endure worse than what Private Pyle had to go through because I was in very good shape yet would still fail even physical things. I started to go mentally insane but I also had an epiphany there. I realized that there was something going on. I would watch 60 kids do something that I couldn't do and eventually it registered to me that there was a problem. We were all college kids yet they could do all these simple things that I couldn't do? It made no sense. Eventually I failed too many tests had an emotional breakdown and was sent home. I had never been more emotional distraught and I felt like a zombie.

I came home and didn't leave my house for one month. I locked myself i my room. Cried every day. Lost twenty pounds. I would do weird things like drive only at night for hours. I could only sleep for maybe 30 minutes to an hour at a time because I would wake up with horrific nightmares screaming. In hindsight I was probably suffering from something called "Acute Stress disorder." But during this month I began to think. Why could sixty kids do something I couldn't do? Why did I have so many problems growing up? Why could I barely read or write as a junior in college? Why was I in such good shape yet couldn't complete a simple obstacle course? Why could I not recognize my own parents and brother till I was five years old? In order to come to peace with this I began a journey. A journey to find the answer to these questions. I spent hundreds of hours online and had an IQ test done. The IQ test showed that there was a significant discrepancy between my ability to learn visual and my ability to learn auditory. I was in the 96% in learning auditory and less than 1 percent in learning visually. He said to follow up on this. I began doing more research online and eventually found an occupational therapist. She did a full evaluation on me and found out I was suffering from something called a visual processing disorder. I looked at the symptoms and it all made sense to me. All my problems my struggles explained.

Finding out I had a learning disability was the greatest confidence booster of my life. I finally had a reason I could finally forgive myself for all of my struggles. I then asked her what could be done. She told me that what I had was extremely hard to treat because I was twenty years old and my brain was almost fully developed. I said that I would do whatever it took to fix the disability. For the next two years I spent 10-25 hours a week doing all types of things to fix this disability. The results were miraculous. I went from reading at a second grade level to a normal college student. I went form not being able to write my name legibly to eventually enrolling in some art classes at college. I went from struggling to tie my shoes to be able to perform juggling tricks. I went from barely being able to recognize my best friends and family to being able to get pretty good at reading body language. After two years I saw a complete transformation. I took the test again and tested in the 87% for visually learning and 93% for hand to eye and gross motor tests. It took two years almost 2000 hours of hard work but I was basically able to cure a learning disability. I was really happy but at the same time very sad. This was October 2012.

When I was going through occupational therapy the second oldest person there as nine years old. It sucked seeing kids from 4-9 years old getting the therapy that I wish I got at that age. After I saw the amazing results of this therapy (called vision therapy) I can't help but to think what if I got this therapy earlier? How much different would my life had been, had I gotten this therapy when I was a young child like everyone else? This question still haunts me to this day and I know how unhealthy it is. I have gotten into the habit of blaming everything on this learning disability that no longer exists anymore. I always say "If I had gotten treated earlier" I would not have had these problems. Or that this learning disability prevented me from achieving my goals and that's why this bad thing happened. I know that this is unhealthy but It has been very hard for me not to be bitter about this whole situation. Now that I see the light it hurts knowing what could have been. I hate thinking this way and I am emotionally trapped. I spent two hard years overcoming this disability and it will have meant nothing If I can't let it go. Once I let it go I can become the person I always wanted to be. If anyone could help me or give me advice for this it would have been greatly appreciated it. No amount of routines, dressing better, or going out and talking to girls is going to fix the inner problem of just letting go of everything and moving on.

I read your entire post and first let me say that this is one of the most touching stories I've read or heard of in a long time.

What you went through, the pain had to be tough for you.

Now I want to point out something from what you wrote.

Hate

First, notice the word hate. "I hate myself" or "I hate the fact"

There's a lot of subconscious hate directed toward somebody. Maybe you've received a lot of it as a child, or maybe you just thought that you were hated.

Whatever it was, recognize where this hate comes from.

Questions

Tony Robbins says: "The quality of your life comes down the the quality of the questions you ask yourself"

I know it's easy for me to speak, I didn't go through what you went through. But I had some share of rejection and humiliation as a kid myself, so I understand your pain. I get the regret of "All those wasted years" where it could of been different have it been different.

But the fact remains, you're here. You're alive. You lived through it. You can't go back. You can only look what's ahead of you, your new goals, your new life.

And you need to get focused on what you want from THIS point on.

So seriously, stop asking yourself questions like: "How would my life be different if I didn't have this".

You need to pull your thoughts away from these kind of questions and focus yourself on the future, on what you want.

A more quality question would be: "How can I use all that has happened to me in the past to make a better future for me and for other people?"

A lot of successfull people had great challenges in their life before they succeeded. A perfect example is Nelson Mendela. He fought for the right of his own people, got put in jail for 28 years, came out and said: "I forgive the people who put me in jail, let's turn to the future"

Great man.

So what sounds to me is you have greatness within you. But you need to pull yourself together, wipe your tears and dust off your regret, stand up and turn to the FUTURE.

I'm serious.

I'm sure that with what has happen to you, the lesson that you had to pay, you can help the world to be a better place. I'm positive there is a great purpose for you, you need to find it. But you won't find it if you stay down.

Letting go

It's not so easy to let go. It's not so easy to forget your entire past and forgive everything.

No.

However, letting go, and moving on is mainly your CHOICE.

It's your choice where you will live and how will you live it.

And in here, I want to remind you of a great resource you have within you.

As I understood it, 2 years ago you decided to do something about your condition. You decided that you
will do WHATEVER it takes to get this handled.

And you did.

Why?

Because you connected so much pain with living your life the way you used to live it, that you said "No more".

And this experience where you stepped up and claimed your life, can be a source of a great power for you
to let go.

This experience can help you let go.

If you managed to go through so much work to improve your state of being, you have the power
to focus on the future and let the past go.

There are certain techniques for letting go as well as accessing your internal power that I can't share
here, but here's what I can do for you:

I'm not a therapist, but I am a darn good coach. I can help you tap into the power that you're seeking,
and this ability to let go of your past. If you want to get in touch with me, send me a private message and I'll get back to you.

So stay strong man, you've got it in you.

Phantom

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Thans for responding. There are some good things I got from this experience. I had to face some of the most horrible humiliation ever at marine OCS that it killed my approach anxiety because there is no way I will ever feel worse than I did during those 3 weeks.

Look at it this way, even if your life had been rosy-frickin-perfect, all that would still be behind you now and you'd have to move forward anyway. Suck it up marine. You can get past this.

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