I have been told by pretty much 99% of the people I know that I am way too hard on myself. They think of it as negative, I think of it as positive because when I am hard on themselves the constructive criticism and analyzation of everything I do feels like it propels me miles ahead of everyone else.

However a few days ago, I didn't show up for work. I love my job, it really is the best thing that's ever happened to me in terms of breaking out of my shell and interacting with people. Its a pretty high end retail store (Express) so I got a LOT of help on my outer appearance and it was amazing. Anyway, obviously my boss wasn't happy that I called her 30 mins before I was supposed to work telling her that I couldn't (long story short I stayed out the night before like an idiot, woke up feeling like shit (not a hungover) and for some stupid reason shut off my alarm clock and went back to sleep. woke up 30 mins before my shift).

After that conversation, I felt so bad like that feeling you get when you really just wanna drive your hand into the wall next to you. All this anger was building inside of me and I went outside to my punching bag for a little while hoping to get my anger out. That still wasn't enough, so I headed to the gym because I figure that would be the most positive way to release everything. Worked myself out til full exhaustion on every exercise because I felt like it was punishment or something for being so stupid to miss work. Keep in mind that I still felt extremely sick.

At the end of all this, I still felt like shit, and I felt like I haven't accomplished anything. I ended up being sick for an extra unnecessary 2-3 days and it got me thinking why do I do this to myself. I feel like when I do something wrong, I really have to punish myself or something to become a better person or make whatever I did wrong feel "okay." I try to make up for it or something so that I don't feel bad anymore, or that I emerge as a better person. I can't accept the fact that i fucked up, and just sit there and do nothing about it. I have to do something. Unfortunately for my job, the only thing I can do to make it better is to not let it happen again, but my mind just gets distracted and focuses all of it on myself for even missing work in the first place.

I really don't know how to explain it or if anyone can offer any advice, but I'm hoping once you read the story, some of you out there might be able to relate and then figure it out. Otherwise I guess I just used this post as a rant lol.

So you got late for work. get over it. Laugh it off. I can tell you thousands of mistakes I've done and I don't care about it. Lol.

Trust me, it's no big deal to make mistakes everyone does. Don't hate yourself for being human and don't apologize for simple stuff like that.

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You miss every shot you don't take.

You missed work at a part-time retail job. No big deal. I used to work at Abercrombie, and I can tell you that most employees in retail are throwaways. You had the decency to at least call and let a manager know, which is more than most kids who work in retail do when they don't show up. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with working in retail. I did it part-time while in college, it was great for networking and socializing. But hopefully you are working towards something better...

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The hottest ginger you'll ever meet.

I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am.