Hi everyone. This is going to be some sort of emotional analysis of what I feel currently and it sounds strange but I currently can't judge how deep I am in the shit(sometimes I feel not at all, sometimes I feel a bit deeper than I should)

Thing is, we broke up 2 months ago with my ex after she confessed she cheated. I was kind of expecting it, that relationship had already been bleeding from several wounds, so I didn't create big drama. In fact I'm still sort of friends with her. In the meantime I got to know the dude too. Despite what I've heard about him(total chode, jerk, creep) he's actually a cool guy, and the three of us sometimes hang out with other people, or here at the dorm, on the balcony by ourselves.

Now to emphasize... I do NOT do this, to get back with her, or to show her how cool I am, none of that bullshit. I don't even do this because I'm not completely over her, I just like their company because we generally have fun.

And now for the problem part. I haven't really had sex in this past 2 months, probably because of the exams, and that I didn't have so much time to go out, but still, for 2 months this is a very poor excuse. I caught myself thinking about my ex several times. Sometimes I don't give a shit about it, doesn't affect my mood at all, but sometimes my mind starts ticking and can really bring me down. Thankfully this happens rarely, but it's still there and it annoys me.

I noticed a pattern that this happens when something sex-related reaches me. Like reading some shitty newspaper article about sex, or talking about sex, or seeing a sex scene in some movie(I don't watch porn...)

So I convinced myself, that all this is just because of the lack of sex I have currently. I was really telling myself, and strongly believed that if I have sex, it will be easier to realize that she was not so special, and that I can find better at any time. But now my insecurities are starting to take over, and I sometimes have thoughts that even this wouldn't help so much that I'm expecting it.

What I won't do:
- I'm not going to get angry at her(someone suggested it previously in another thread)
- I'm not going to cut contacts with her(I keep in touch with most of my exes, except for one lunatic bitch, and I NEVER had a problem of getting over for so long)

Other important things:

-I don't feel miserable 24/7. In fact most of the time I'm really happy regardless of I'm being with her or not. This is just something that needs to be managed before it becomes serious and there truly won't be any other solution then cutting contacts. I don't want that.

-I'd like to emphasize this once more. When I'm with my ex and the dude, it's NOT awkward. Maybe it's hard to believe, but somehow jelousy was completely excluded from my personality.

-Don't ask me about whether they are together or not. I don't know. They spend a lot of time together, and they fuck. That I know, but nothing official yet, I'm not even sure whether this would be relevant or not, but just in case...

- I'm still 90% sure that sex would solve my problem, but I used to be 100% and I don't like this tendency, because it shows that my inner game is getting weaker.

- I'm not sure about wanting to get back together with her. It's also something that sometimes I'd want, but most of the time not. (It didn't work for a reason, afterall...)

-Any advice except for "cut all contacts" is very welcome.

Thank you

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

Hey man, I'm a studying psychologist so i'll give this a whirl and my interpretation. Also I came out of a LTR at the end of last year which lasted 2 years almost, so not all just theory.

First of all it's hard to judge your attachment to this girl because you didn't say how long you were together. However the thing with attachment although time has an impact, it's more about your association and repeated thought patterns that define it's intensity and how much you rely on it on a subconcious level.

You're already one step closer to "healing" it because you're self analysing. This is a great trait. However you just need a few opinions about your situation and to hear different views so you can make the decision of what is personally right for you, and what you are comfortable with acting on.

From what you've stated above, with exams and a breakup, there will be a high state of stress in your life, whether you think you can control it or not. Within this period it's an unnatural state for the mind to have an clarity, reasoning or intent, this happens in everyone it's just the body and the mind's natural hardwiring - evolutionary. So within this stressful period learning new information, concentration and your ability to future plan are severely affected. This is because you are living in the mind's natural defence to stress, basically already living on what you know in your subconscious mind, i.e. daydreaming, lack of concentration, procrastination. It's what RSD refer to as "a lower state of mind."

Now, I don't know if you're ex was the last person you slept with. But if she is then it will be a stronger association in your mind. What I mean by this is because you were intimate and close with her, you're association of sex is with her because it had such a profound effect on your memories, I'm talking emotional and sensory (sensory mixed with emotion are the strongest form of memories going). This is natural to feel this way don't worry. It will die down, but don't dwell on it and force it, you have to except it and find a solution to your ways. Now the PUA response here would be sleep with other women, which will definitely work but it depends if YOU want that. If you just want to go out socialising with women again just so you're used to it after directed attention on one girl, essentially making friends with most girls that's perfectly fine if YOU want that. I'm putting an emphasis on "you" because you need to find something you feel, you are comfortable with working towards. One thing I will say is it's not going to be easy, it will take effort and time - and it will feel so fucking uncomfortable, but you have to plough through it otherwise you'll be stuck in a negative feedback loop and not progress.


Now to the good stuff!

You said you have no problems with your ex and the cheat, and you're comfortable in their joint company. This show's an incredible amount of character balance and maturity - these are excellent traits. So if you can channel into these, and direct them to the goal you choose, I'm sure you'll be fine.

The fact that you don't feel miserable is good, keep an active mind with new experiences, what this means: keep learning new things, keep doing new things, meet new people and keep socially active, and exercise as well (so good for clarity of mind). These few on their own will make you come on leaps and bounds, but combine it with self awareness and a goal of getting you out of this rut and you will see measurable changes in your life. It's cliche but it's true; the amount of effort you put in, is the amount of rewards you will get out.

We were together for 10 months. It would not have been so much time, if we hadn't lived together for 8 out of the 10 months. The habit of living together with her is a very strong bond.

Thankfully, I am good at analyzing. When I started studying PUA, I acquired tons of psychological knowledge, which I tend to use quite often. This helps me a lot when I'm in a difficult situation. I recognize patterns in my behaviour and thoughts which are pointers to the base of the problem, in this case, this was the cause of sex being the number one suspect. And no, I haven't had sex with anyone else since the break-up. Only one kiss, but that didn't even really count. I mean, drunk me+drunk chick at loud club usually results in a kiss regardless of my game or basically anything.

I'm very comfortable with having sex with other women so on that part I'm completely fine with that solution. And the good news is that in 2 weeks it is a sure hit.

Thing is, my best friend and me has a common friend. He's in America at the moment, but my mate is also good friends with said friend's girlfriend. She will come down to our town for a few days in the upcoming 2 weeks, and she brings a nympho girl for us. Now my friend will most probably have his girlfriend there at that time, so we've agreed that she will be mine.

(Little off... just to mention this says some things about women. The girlfriend said that she brings down her slutty friend so that when we're partying the guys will most probably focus on her, and leave her alone)

I'm going to take your advice about doing new things. I pretty much know, even from first hand experience, that productive work releases stress very well. From now on, I'll be jogging on the evenings, occasionally cook something, and continue my good habit of going out with my friends often.

Thanks for your insight.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

This is the important thing, if you can do this lifestyle choice alone it will totally adjust your mentality, and getting over the ex will be a side effect. But if you can combine rational thought with your directed attention on your life you really will be at your ideal place in no time.

The reason I highlighted the above, whether you mean drinking heavily with friends or just getting out socially, this is just something to be aware of - with excessive drinking although you will feel the highs when you are intoxicated, the lows in the state of withdrawal the next day heavily outweigh the high you felt the night before. Now I'm not saying don't drink or moderate your drinking, I'm saying be aware of it's negative effect on your mentality and if you feel you are regressing then look at your alcohol consumption, and perhaps if you think this is the cause, then regulate your intake and see how you feel then.

But good to hear you're putting something in action, you will feel a lot better soon if you stick to that. If you need another bit of info drop me a PM - not only is it good for the forum community, but it also helps with my training!

When we go out, we usually drink something. Generally, it's not alcohol that is important when we're out, it's more of each other's company. Of course, I won't say we don't get ourselves completely trashed sometimes, but our parties are never about exclusively that.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

Absolutely yeah, that's the right mentality right there, keep the socialising and fun as the priority and let the drinking be a by-product of that. Honestly you sound like you're on the right track, you'll be where you want to be in no time.

Yeah that's what I thought too. I'm really happy about myself at the moment for just realising that I could stand up again. I'm not saying there won't be any difficulties ahead, but I don't think it will be anything serious, or something that I can't handle.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

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