Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley.


Even thou we`ve all seen the movie, this poem was eye opening for me.

It`s not the inspiration of one self (inner game), it`s the inspiration of an entire nation.

When you see it under that light, inner game along with pua becomes secondary.

Be the man you want to be, every single day.

Pre-day 1: Had a martini and fried rice for dinner. LOL . . .

Day1: Replaced coffee with ginger/green tea; practically drank a gallon of it. Primarily eating brown rice and veggies with some flax seed oil on top. Ran for 40 minutes. Walked for 10 minutes. I'll meditate tonight prior to sleeping. When are you guys meditating?

Notes: That coconut oil. . . I can see myself getting tired of it but for now, it's delicious. Mix it into warm rice and it tastes like the base for South East Asian style curry. I was thinking about this while reading the supplement ingredients and noticed the cumin, black pepper, broccoli . . . essentially, this is the diet of Asian monks. I'll probably try making a 'brain curry' before this program is done.

So far, it's like any other 'program' in that I tend to be more organized overall while going through it. Whether it's an academic program, athletic program, etc . . . trying to organize myself for something new tends to help me focus through other aspects of my life as well.

I was knocked out by 9:30pm Eastern. Dreamed of a high school friend's wedding. It was an on and off scenes/thoughts from the wedding to other things. Towards the end, I saw the bride. She was at least two heads taller and 3 body frames wider. She hugged the guy and I could see the top of her G strings on a canvas of pale cellulite showing through her see-through gown. He seemed happy. I smiled but I could not feel happy for him.

Going to grab my mid-morning snack/supplements now.

@hobbit

Thanks a lot for the video!!!

You guys don't sound like you did coffee in the first place . . .

2nd day: In the mornings, I miss the ritual more than the caffeine. Standing in line, the people, the noise, the scents, the bustle. - That's just for the commute. Then in the office, the actual grinding of the beans, the gurgles of the coffee machine, the wisps of steam . . . By afternoon, I get the head sting and overall grogginess. Again fell into bed by 10pm. Incredibly vivid dreams. Excited for my table spoon of saturated fat during lunch. Just the beginning . . .

I thought it was just me . . .

Day 6

My dreams are very ... strange. I dream from two to three scenarios a nights, and the details fade quick once I wake up, so I try to get as much down in my journal as possible.

They usually begin morbid- a death has occurred. On day 3 it was a friend from middle school I haven't spoken to in years. Yesterday, one of my close friends. Last night, my brother.

I was crying uncontrollably in it; my hands were wet with tears, and when I looked down at them they were all pruny and wrinkled. They were unusually big and didn't look like my hands.

The scene dies out and I'm now in the woods. There's a strong burning smell; I'm sitting at a table in a small clearing with my boyfriend. I look down at my food (orange rice...) and when I look back up, the table has extended and the half my boyfriend was sitting on is now deep in the woods amidst the trees.

Now I'm sitting at home. It's not the condo I live in, nor is it my parent's home. It's our old house in Romania. I'm sitting on a couch we did not own. It occurs to me that I forgot to take my supplements and now it's too late- I panic.

And then I wake up.

I am experiencing very similar type of dreams. Death is traumatic both in real life and in dreams. I wonder if this 'rewiring' process facilitating a recollection of traumatic pasts. Several 'deaths' in my dreams lately . . . Do you analyze your own dreams?

Today is day 5.

So I'm doing better with coffee withdrawal but I cheated. I actually drank de-caf twice. I needed to take a work related road trip and I subconsciously pulled into a Dunkin Donuts drive through. I fought it. Then I got there. . . "Do you want coffee?" I fought it. Then on the way back, I stopped by a food market that served 'free coffee'. I noticed the de-caf and took one for the road. Had a morning meeting today in a 'coffee shop'. So another de-caf. . . other than that, all is well. Running out of coconut oil however.

Similar to Roz's experience, I woke up to a 'morbid' dream. A loved one got on a train and as soon as he did, another train smacked it flat. Usually, I sit down and analyze my dreams but today, I used my 'morning meeting' as an excuse to start moving around physically. I don't feel any more confident about work related things but I do feel more determined to work. . .

Two nights ago, I tried to sync my meditation time with Hobbit. Thoughts of the movie, "Beverly Hills Ninja" drifted into mind. If you haven't seen the movie, Chris Farley meditates and communicates with his fellow ninjas and master in the 'collective meditative universe". Smiled a little, laughed a little, then breathed on it. I've been feeling thankful lately. . .

It's interesting that an LR of mine was recently yanked from 09'. At the time, I meant for that post to be in FR . . .and I only posted it because for some reason right around then, a bunch of Asian guys in this forum were complaining about how 'game' doesn't work for them. I was hoping that the story could inspire a few of them. Anyhow, AFC Daniel pointed this part out:
I'm glad to have met so many cool people. . .

I do:
This one I believe had to do with the fact that my boyfriend was to leave for the US today on a business trip. I wanted to surprise him with something home cooked before he left, and had been running through recipes in my head the day I had this dream. No, I did not make him orange rice

I thought the burning smell might have been a warning that I was going to burn the meal, but thankfully that did not happen! Of course, it was likely a sign of me stressing that I was going to burn/mess it up.

PS. Do you guys know how hard it is to cook something without being able to taste the food?
Last summer I did a two week water fast and experienced similar dreams to this. In those dreams I'd be eating, and then suddenly realize that eating meant I broke my fast and would panic. I believe this particular dream occurs when I'm experiencing a combination of stress and dedication to a particular program / regime.
These of course are a little more tricky. I did experience the loss of a very close friend back in high school two years ago, and had been having dreams of him dying for weeks after his death. It's interesting you should mention the train dream kasabi; I use to dream of this friend getting in his car and then driving off only to have another car crash into him (he did not die in a car crash). In these dreams I was always an omniscient presence.


Day 7

Last night I dreamed in the same three scene scheme, however this time nothing morbid. In one of the scenes (the last) I was reciting an old Romanian poem I use to know by heart and love as a child (I haven't read it since I was 7). When I woke up, I tried writing down as many of the versus as I could remember, and went online to check for their accuracy. The ones that I got down were all correct.


My close friends and family are use to me experimenting with different hobbies, foods and regimes. First it was the pescatarianism, then the Mediterranean diet, then the vegetarianism, after which the raw foodism, then the fasting... the greek myth, the belly dancing, the sculpting, the plant growing, the yoga, the writing my own book, the learning Homeric Greek ... now the supplements, meditation, and no phone or Facebook aren't a big shock, lol. Though I can tell they're annoyed at times. However, no phone and facebook is the best thing that's ever happen to me. I find it such a relief to have it off; I'm so much more productive and focused, and it gives me more quality time with the people I am face to face with. Also, I have more time with myself.


-Roz

_________________
NOTE: I'm taking a break from the site, and hence will not be responding to any messages!

Ouch. Well, I think I'm done with the chemical reactions but I still catch myself going forward with the first steps of "coffee ritual habits". Then you get the guys who group email around 4pm with, "Where are we grabbing martinis?"

I took an early start to the exercise portion of the program. On March 1st, I made a bet with a co-worker to see who'd lose the most weight in a month. We couldn't sync a time for an end-of-contest weigh in but the loser is supposed to either buy or cook dinner for the winner. I am now somewhat bummed out that if I win, the dinner will have to be brown rice and veggies instead of a martini and a fat fillet.

@ Roz, that's an impressive list of 'persistence'. It's interesting that you say people around you are sometimes "annoyed" at your explorations. Maybe it's just the facebook + phone in your case, but I've always felt a little bit of that energy when I explored things that were not within the typical 'life menu' of those around me. At this point however, I suppose I am the one who is used to others' reactions to me. Growing up with yoga, medication, getting acupuncture, fasting, eating miso soup and brown rice in the 80's was a nice way to tell the kids around me, "Hey, hey! Kick me!" - It's also pretty interesting that this dynamic alone is enough to prevent many of us from exploring our individual needs further.

Today is day 7:

Skipped out on weekend (night) activities because I felt it would be more stressful than fun. I've been getting extremely tired by 8pm or so and even managed to fall asleep with a book on my chest. Oddly, I couldn't sleep well and woke up often. Probably didn't get much rem action but I don't feel too tired. Still woke up rather early, ran my 40 minutes, walked 10, and then hopped in the sauna. And there's really nothing to do in a sauna than to read a magazine until your hands get the pages too wet and sweaty, then you sit. I sat and enjoyed the beads of sweat forming on my brow, rolling off my face, and dripping near by. Only began moving when a bead of sweat rolled into my ear and gave me a wet willy. Attempted a few yoga poses prior to hitting the shower.

Tonight seems like it will be pretty clear . . . and not too cold. Will probably head to the rooftop . . .

Day 10

I had a dream that I was painting. The colours were exceptionally vivid in this dream of mine: aqua blue, fuchsia, violet, peach, red... they bounce and change as my brush sweeps over the canvas. Interestingly enough, there were moments where I'd start crying as I painted; I'd cry, then stop, cry, stop, cry, stop ... though they weren't tears of sadness, nor were they tears of joy. They were just tears.

I woke up from this dream with a strong craving to paint. Not a foreign feeling- I've gotten this craving many times. And so I spent this past weekend doing just that; I'm sitting here, staring at the 22 by 30 inch painted canvas right now, wondering what I should do with it ... hanging it up would really compromise the bachelor-rugged-manly vibe my boyfriend has going on in this condo ... hmm


It's 5:09 am as I'm typing this. I get up early to sky gaze now; it really gives me an exceptional boost of energy. I track my thoughts as I'm breathing and looking up at the sky, and they are all positive; negativity just isn't palpable in the presence of a rising sun. And as these thoughts bring different people to mind, I get this warm urge to hold them, and let them know just how truly thankful I am that our lives have crossed paths.


- Roz

Today is day 8:

I can't believe how calm and collected I was during a meeting with an ultra crazy alpha nut man. I just sit there just listening, listening, listening and the emotions I can describe here is 'sympathy', or even 'pity' but not anger or frustration.

My heart rate . . . if I were to measure it, probably would have gone down instead of up. I replied with a few words and that was it. End of the meeting.

There have been a few weird 'connections' today. I ran into people I knew from 20 years ago. Things that I've needed 'business wise' were met by people calling me and not the other way around. There were a couple of 'ideas' that sprang up . . . writing now . . .

Wow guys. I'm impressed.

I've been following your inner game journey since the beginning and I confess that I can't wait to see your respective evolutions. Having three people journaling is just priceless.

Your determination is jaw-dropping, especially since committing to that journey implies cutting off desserts, coffees, cellphones, facebook, ... For now, that would be impossible for me.

Yet, as I wrote in my journal, I more than ever convinced that the ability to take some distance from the negative voices in my head is a key element to success in general. I'll follow your journey. I'll probably buy the book once in France and maybe start the program.

Keep it up.

_________________
On the Road to Manhood, my new learning journal: http://bit.ly/TEVapM
(My old learning journal http://bit.ly/eYRWL4)

I can't exactly do without my mobile phone(s) but unless it's an absolute emergency, I've been using it as a 'beeper' and calling back later from a land line.

Today is Day 11: Finding myself often skipping the 'emotions' and going directly to 'quiet'. When I am about engage with others, I don't yet know their verbal agenda but I already know the emotional intent. Only now am I realizing that we all have an ability to sense this and we often do. Accepting it . . . that's another topic altogether.

My to do list is getting longer but it's almost embarrassing to write this after having seen one of Thomas Edison's "To do Lists". I won the office 'weight loss' contest but seriously . . . why would anybody ever challenge a former wrestler to a weight loss contest?