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This is victim blaming. That's even part of the emotional abuse itself:
"In some respects, emotional abuse is more devastating than physical violence, due the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves." - Same Article
Telling a person who's dealing with emotional abuse that "it was their responsibility" is really just adding to the problem. They've already had someone close to them convince them they are a loser and a failure... now you're backing up those sentiments.
You likely are very right that this adds to the emotional abuse, and I would further add that in order to get away from a bully, you first have to realize they are a bully. I can't show you that, you can only see that for yourself. I can inspire and hope to lead you to that distinction, but you only get there when you are ready to be there.
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Even if there is truth to it, being "responsible" isn't the same as having the knowledge and ability. I went through this with my ex, largely because I didn't recognize what was happening and didn't have enough experience with relationships to know any better. These abusers don't prey on people who are already emotionally strong, just like bullies don't pick on the biggest kids in the schoolyard. You mention "they have the power" and that was one of the subtle tactics my ex used, she would constantly claim she was upset because I had the power in the relationship and she'd come up with reasons to back that up... and why would I not believe the woman I loved?
I'm totally with you on this and can only agree with what you say here. I have to further add that people don't always know how to deal with their problems in the most effective way. The advantage that we have is that we can learn. It is even likely that this abuse that you went through became a blessing in that you learned the knowledge that you needed so you wouldn't have to go through that again. I know that going through pain and heartache and then finding pick up was one of the most powerful things in this sense for me.
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In the end, you're right that we need to not let others affect us but again that's a skill that's built up. We also need to stop the negative beliefs these memories have instilled in us, and that's where EMDR comes in. You're telling us we "should have been somewhere" but not "here's how you get there."
I appreciate your candid and intelligent conversation on this. To sum up I would just have to say that something like EMDR would be great for someone going through something like this. I would also suggest NLP as I've seen it do miraculous things, but in the end the how isn't up for me to decide, but for the person to decide. We all have our paths, and I can't say what is right or wrong for someone, or what someone or someone shouldn't learn. I can say though, that our greatest power can grow through our experience so going through things like this does have an equivalent advantage.
CHAT