Hi Guys

So I have had a problem with self esteem my entire life due to an emotionally abusive and dominant father figure who constantly put me down and told me I wasn't good enough for anything.

I have had 3 long term (over 2 year relationships) in the past 8 years of my life. All of them started because the girl showed interest in me. I basically would show interest in any girl that bothered to show interest in me.

The weird part about this is that I am an articulate, intelligent and good looking person, however girls seem to be turned off to me in general. I couldn't figure out how they could be turned off without even knowing about my self esteem issues and only see the external part of me.

I then learnt that your self esteem effects your body language , your eye contact and of course the things you say and do.

I also have an extremely high sex drive , am attracted to almost any women with an average body type, good teeth and nice skin. I constantly find myself looking at women and judging whether they are hot or not. I scan a crowd and realise that I find 95% of the women attractive. I try to have a higher standard but I cant seem too.

I feel because of my major self esteem issues, issues with confrontation and my general introvert personality this is reflecting in the way I am around women. As mentioned previously I have an extremely high sex drive , so they probably feel my want for them but are not attracted to me , and therefore this leads to me coming off as "creepy" or "sleazy" even though I haven't said or done anything to that effect.

I've read a fair amount of books on pick up, am down with the lingo. Understand friendly-cool method , body language techniques , tonality etc but I feel that all this is a waste if I have virtually zero confidence in myself and have major self esteem issues.

My recent breakup with my gf of 3.5 years has thrown me into a state of despair. The worst thing is , I know she was never right for me, but am having a hard time of letting go of the feeling of being needed/wanted and just having someone there..even though I know in the long run we will not be with each other and are not compatible at all (once again I went for her because she merely showed interest in me)

In the end , I need to develop my self esteem , self confidence. I need to develop my inner game.

Based on my situation can anyone offer advice

I have taken a look at the stickys and will begin reading and applying views from the different inner game books

Thanks in advance

Hi Trip,
Your confidence, obviously is a product of your abuse and you understand that. Which, I think is extremely important in moving forward, so kudos to you for embracing change and making it work for you rather than marinating in your own excuses for a tough life.

Have you had any type of SPAM or counseling surrounding that? I don't mean to go too deeply into this, just wanted to know for reference.

Either way, the good news is, you understand your plight on a very intimate level.

"Confidence" has such an ebb and flow even for the most confident people. The key, I think, is to first find out where your strengths are. Put it this way, you may be a great track athlete and you understand the strategic elements of all of the events...but you just suck at long distance, or you hate the 100 because you have a bad start; but love the 200 because it helps you reach your maximum speed (playing to a strength).

So what are you good at? Are you a good speaker? knowledgable? do you have any talents (play an instrument, can knit a mean quilt, can sing)?

Basically, if you're good at basketball, go play more basketball. If you are part of a volunteer organization, do more volunteering. Whether you are good at it, or are interested in it, you need to do more of THAT. And this is obviously because being in an environment where you not only excel, but enjoy yourself, is one that will automatically breed confidence. Couple this with the attraction you will start to cultivate (non-looks), and you'll be meeting people that appreciate your skills. Not just some random girl wanting a drink (of course, there is a time and a place for this). But what I'm trying to articulate, is that building confidence needs a starting point; it makes the transition so much smoother.

Having said that, men should put their focus on demeanor and tone more than anything. Sure, looks matter for the first few seconds but not much if you come across boring, confrontational, too giddy etc. Morgan Freeman, with that leathery mug of his, gets more box than the Memphis hub of FedEx (A quote from comedian, Deaf Frat Guy). But that is because he has a pace that is firm yet not rushed...confident.
It definitely effects things like body language and the ability to make eye contact...but not so much what you say and do. What you say and do has to do with experience and understanding the situation. But thats good news, this can be improved.

Don't worry so much about eye contact because there are very confident people who just don't look people in the eyes. Sometimes certain shit is uncomfortable, thats just your wiring. BUT, body language is almost an exact measure of confidence levels. They always talk about seeing how kids walk and how their posture determines whats going on socially at school. This takes time. But this will manifest itself in your inner confidence eventually. A good start would be to try and walk with a little better posture from now on. It doesnt have to be all the time, but try and do it as often as possible and see if there is a difference in how people perceive you...but more importantly, how you feel. Because you should feel a bit different, in a good way.
Great that you understand this, most people do not. Look at the breakup as a clean slate. Sure, the continuity is going to be disrupted (which I assume is what is affecting you most), but its also a reason to step outside and be selfish as fuck. Now you only have to think about yourself and improving, this declutters your life because now there's a personal project going on.

I know where you're at man, I just got out of a 4 year and decided to splurge on something I've wanted to do for a long time, and that was DJ/Produce music. I spent like $1200 on equipment that I always talked myself out of buying. Its a hobby (and mostly therapy), but it keeps me busy and engaged in something. I did need that to move on from my ex, but it was also liberation in that I don't have to care what she thinks (about spending a ton of time with my new toys). Everybody has their way to move forward, maybe have a think about what could help?

I always tell people that your biggest ally in this "game" are women. They seem like the prize, but they are there from beginning to end. The phrase "you gotta spend money, to get money" makes even more sense when it comes to dating/relationships, because guess what, the more female friends you have (money) the more access you will have to women (make money).

The best DHV is when a guy is surrounded by women who respect him. Because any girl will assume that if the guy is respected by other females, that he treats them well and is a good person (and not necessarily just a "nice guy").

So keep your dick in your pants (except in front of youjizz.com) and start becoming friends with women. This will not only help with practice in speaking with women, but it will enhance your social life. This then leads to friend vouching for you to other friends, who are presumable great looking women. Of course, you can always just go for bar/club approaches/lays aside from this...so you can cover some ground.

Lastly, and this is so simple yet under-utilized...pick an actor/comedian/performer that is extremely confident and start mimicking them by adding certain elements to your game. For example: you want to know how to confidently smirk. You can probably check out any Brad Pitt or George Clooney movie. Sure, they are great looking and have money and all of that, but taking away at least 1% of what makes them what they are is valuable for people like us. The difference between clapping and howling with laughter and a subdued chuckle and smirk is oddly huge to certain women. It's about having control of not only the situation, but your emotions as well. I, to this day, will watch a movie/show and think "man, that is a cool dude" and I'll figure out if I could actually come across natural saying, "I'll see you when I see you" (or whatever).

I know I threw a lot of info your way so it may be a bit hard to digest, but I think you're in a great position to move forward. A lot of people on here are stuck on exes who are basically poison, hindering any progress. Use this clean slate to your advantage...once you get to a certain level of confidence, it won't stop, and then it'll be a matter of bringing you back down to earth, which would signify how far you've come.

Good luck man!

WOW. Thank you so much for the detailed explanation. You have no idea how much this has helped me.

I actually broke up with my ex 6 months ago, couldn't eat for two weeks , ended up in hospital due to malnutrition, couldn't sleep , all life had seeped out of me. Then I got her back ,knowing she wouldn't be with me forever- (I actually didn't want that) but at least the pain stopped for now and I felt loved and wanted again. The empty depressed feeling of loneliness you when when you breakup is almost too much to bear. Then we broke up again this weekend after Valentines Day.

And yes , you are right, my continuity is disrupted. I made the mistake of making her the centre of everything , now there's this massive void left.

I initially said, okay self improvement to take my mind off her and maybe even get her back when she sees how Ive changed - I then realised I was once again trying to rationalise why it was okay to be with her - but i just wanted the pain to stop. So I decided to continue self improvement , but this time for me and to make me more attractive then the average female.

I HATE needing someone else to be happy - it puts so much pressure on that person.

In the last few days

- I have started eating healthily , going for runs everyday to tone myself up
- Quit marijuana completely as it just led to more depressive thoughts
- Attempting to join groups that like the same thing that I do (Astronomy , Science , Physics , Theological discussions - she always put me down for liking that stuff so I could never talk about it around her)

My issue is, even though I know that this will go away , that shies not right for me, that I'm wasting my life staying with her - I still find it hard to do anything or be motivated to, when I do something all that creeps into the back of my mind is how alone I am , how there is no one there any more - what if I'm alone forever - I mean who would want to be with someone like me - which is completely the wrong way to think.

I will certainly take your advice on picking something I am good at and trying to master that talent , to fill my life with self improvement which should have the double effecft of taking my mind of shit and making me better at something.

I also didn't want to go to deep into this PUA stuff - I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that you need to be cool , calm and indifferent with women - yet still care enough about pick-up and attaining women to study this art, fail so many times , practice with it , change your appearance, body language etc. I find it hard to expend so much effort in something while still being indifferent to attaining it at the same time.

Positive self beliefs :

- Good looking
- Intelligent
- Thoughtful
- Romantic at heart
- Cheeky
- Funny

Negative self beliefs :

- Women dont like me
- Find me creepy
- Find me boring
- No real friends - even men dont like me
- Better men then me out there (not good enough to be with a beautiful woman)
- Unable to hold conversation without being awkward
- Awkward in walking and talking
- Unable to talk to girls I find even moderately attractive
- Weak of the mind - always choose the easier route (staying with ex) instead of the harder better router(breaking up and finding someone who suits me)

Kind of person I'd like to be :

- Cool, calm, collected
- Person who always knows what to do in any given situation
- Suave ladies man without even trying
- Appear natural in intent and action
- Always surrounded by beautiful women- even if they are friends
- Massive social circle, seen as an positive to have at any function or party
- Protector of those in his circle
- Friendly but takes shit from none
- Always honest and willing to speak his mind - and actually appreciated for this trait instead of being labelled an a$$hole
- Extremely respected and trusted
- Everyone listens when he speaks
- Sure of himself
- Able to let go off anyone at a moments notice - not attached to anything or anyone - self reliant
- Able to attain happiness from within instead of externally.
- Give off the aura of comfort and ease without looking like a try hard.

This,
Doesn't go very well with this,
Its clear that you don't know what it is your are trying to be. Which is fine. We all start with the ideal "PUA" situation. Everything that PUA teaches revolves around those traits (well, most of them), but that doesn't mean its what is needed to be HAPPY. Because in the end, you may be much happier finding a single woman to share your life with...even at 23. Or, you might not agree with marriage in general (which is my belief) and thus are happy to meet various people throughout life and take it as you go. We are all wired differently so there isnt much of a right or wrong as it pertains to your happiness/satisfaction.

But there are some clear aspects in terms of what women find attractive. These things have been cultivated for the duration of mankind up until now, so a lot of it is pretty deeply ingrained. The idea is to figure out what makes you attractive to women, develop that, and use that as your toolkit to find the lifestyle that makes you happy/satisfied/successful.

As a priority I would focus on "cool, calm and collected" and generally making friends (especially females). And as you said, GREAT idea to start joining groups where there are people that share your interests. This is a fast track to your confidence because A. You know your shit, thus you will come across credible and knowledgeable, thus you'll be perceived as attractive. Sound good? Then its a matter of acting on the women who pursue you...but thats the beauty, to have options (this in itself will change your demeanor from "i hope she likes me" to "Is she the one I want?"). Those options are important not only for your confidence, but so you can begin flagging boththe traits you truly value in a woman, and ones that raise some flags of the red variety (ex. she has daddy issues).

Most of all, try to have more FUN when doing all this. Look at it this way, you have a fresh canvas to work on so all of the information you soak in will be immediately available to apply, wherever you are.

Thanks for the reply. I do know who I want to be , I just find it hard to understand how most PUA's preach indifference(which implies abundance) but at the same time want or try and work so hard at the very thing you want to be indifferent at. I mean I want to do this, but every time I am putting in this effort to attain the goal , its even harder to be indifferent. How do you be indifferent about something you clearly care about?

The things I enjoy (space , physics , theology) don't really have a plethora of beautiful women in their ranks...I guess its something that just has to happen.

"The idea is to figure out what makes you attractive to women, develop that, and use that as your toolkit to find the lifestyle that makes you happy/satisfied/successful." Good advice

Thanks for all your help, this advice is invaluable.

I've kinda psycho analyzed myself over all these years and found one main deep issue that seems to relate to everything - my lack of self -esteem

Most of my issues are related to low self esteem – not feeling that I am worth enough …this is probably due to years of being put down and told 'Im “selfish, greedy, untrustworthy, not a good person etc” from the person I looked up to the most – my father. This cannot be changed and my fathers attitude towards me cannot be changed either...so whatever the reason..I dont care...I want to move on and fix the issue.

- Self-esteem issues – if I am unable to value myself or love myself how can I expect another to?
- Insecurity issues - not believing I am good enough – always expecting people to think the worst of me
- Neediness – not believing I am good enough and needing another individual to feel whole/complete
- Awkward body language and stance – due to not believing I am worth the space I am taking up, feel like I need an excuse to be there
- When in a group , feel as If I don’t belong , that I’m lucky to have the opportunity for people to want to spend time around a person like me
- Always thinking others are of a higher value as a person then me, this comes out in the way I talk , the way I act and my need to please
- Not knowing who I truly am or my identity – always needing to find out who I am from others
- Always over thinking every interaction with another person– positive or negative

It is quite apparent that almost all of my issues stem from my severe lack of self esteem.

Ignoring why it happened and why it shouldn't have etc…..no crying over spilled milk…..I want to fix my self esteem issues.

What is the best way to go about this?

My friend, I feel you.. I really feel you. My problems erected from poor social conditioning since childhood. And my family was never much of a help.

Desire vs Need.

There's a reason why you feel so unsure of yourself and always needing people to help you get that feeling back. It's because you seek the external form of happiness. I'd advise you to stop looking from the outside, and start searching from within. Girls can read that sexy drive inside you cause you showed of neediness. Instead, try to be more assertive. Don't be a needy sexy addict, instead, be a sexy god whom is unafraid of showing his sexual desires.

Waking up on the right side of bed.

... Every day. Make it a habit. Your day starts of the moment you get out of bed. So which one would you choose? A sour day, or a bright day? Know this, when you wake up in the morning, take your time and breathe in deep. Know that this is your world. Go up to the mirror and talk to yourself. Compliment yourself, say, "Good morning handsome. Had a good dreams? Awesome. You're awesome. I love you. *kisses the mirror* Youre stunningly gorgeous you know that? Youre so confident and funny. I love you". Love foreself, for if you don't, never expect anyone to do the same. While walking out your apartment and into the streets, look up and imagine a ginormous golden statue. That statue is you. And then look around the buildings, you'll see posters and banners of yourself saying, "Vote for (name)! Yes we can!"

Let go.

Don't dwindle in past occurrences and instances. Move on because you have to keep track with the world today. Live in the present, enjoy your day. Don't take things to seriously. If you ever find yourself rejected, don't think of it as a failure, think of it as an opportunity for something greater.

The self.

I always mention this when I'm talking to my friends. The fact is, everything is internal. Nothing is ever external. You don't need other peoples opinions to make you feel better. You don't have to be praised to feel good about yourself. You don't have to be criticized to find that you're wrong. They're all an illusion, or something to add on. But by yourself, you should know that you're beautiful, and no one else can make you feel otherwise.

Love yourself, for they will never love you if you don't. Believe in yourself, cause no one will ever believe you if you don't.

With love,
Matt

_________________
"Don't try to change who you are. Don't even think you're not good enough right now. You ARE good enough being who you are. Women can smell a fake man the same way you can smell cheesecake."

Hi Matt

Wow , thank you so much , Ive heard most of this before but for some reason your words really struck a chord with me.

I'm having a hard time trying to dissolve the ego and be indifferent about things and also "loving myself"

I feel like I'm being egotistical and arrogant when I say positive affirmations to myself , I guess this is something I just have to keep working on.

I've learnt about frame control , body language and congruency and this has already helped me in the way I walk , speak and look.

I think this is just a matter of , put your head down....be the man you want to be...and with time...you will become that man.

I approached a girl yesterday for the first time in years and it felt so good just to have a conversation. I felt on top of the world afterwards but am aware that I need to not invest too much in this interaction and just let things be.

Thanks for all your advice, it is good to know Im not the only one in this.

Trip,

You feel so bad and egocentric when you praise yourself. Would you ask yourself why? Is it that you feel like you don't deserve to be called handsome? Or that you think you believe you're not good enough to love yourself?

Ever since I was young, I was always praised by my good looks. Maybe that's why I had it easy. I suppose you should start disconnecting with the norm right now. What you think people believe. What society says about "this guy who does this kinda thing". Or like, "OMG did you see him flaunting at himself at the mirror? What an ego shit face."

My friend, society is a full load of bullshit. Ego is not what you think it is. Ego is a sense of believing that the universe revolves around you, and you're the King bitch that everyone has to bow down to. However, praise and self entitlement, is where you're one with yourself. You love yourself and others around you, and you're not ashamed of it.

The King with all the ego is the most hated and feared. The King with praise and love is one who has most respect from his people.

Every morning when you wake up, do me a favour and look at the mirror. Just look at it. Stare at your beautiful two eyes, and just adore it. That's you isn't it? You who made so many friends in the past few months? You who won that trophy for being the best team player in high school? You who gave love to an amount of lovely girlfriends in your youth? That's you. Erase all the negative energy. If you start to think somewhere in between, "oh god I used to be so good last time, and now I'm this ugly unsuccessful thing, what went wrong?"

Nothing went wrong. If you could achieve so much in the past? What makes you think you won't achieve again?

With love,
Matt

_________________
"Don't try to change who you are. Don't even think you're not good enough right now. You ARE good enough being who you are. Women can smell a fake man the same way you can smell cheesecake."