I recently had a realization. I'm not in the Game for myself.

I'm not even in life for myself.

I don't give a fuck about life really. A few years back, I contemplated suicide commonly. I'll be honest, the thought crosses my mind now and again. But this isn't because i'm depressed or anything (Maybe i'm rationalizing here, my life isn't spectacular, but everyone has problems). I actually smile, shake my head and dismiss the notion as foolish, a cowards way out. But I couldn't put my finger on why I kept having these almost sporadic flights of my death.

I was reading an old post from Chief. He was addressing how our egos needed to be tamed, restrained so that they don't make decisions for us. To sum it up, if we're in the game to impress others, to be able to say 'I have this Cassanova-Super Power' were in it for the wrong reasons. Essentially, everything we are doing as long as we are with this mindset is just food for our Egos and nothing more. And what's worse, this is exactly what contributes to being needy and a lack of being genuine.

For a while I wondered why nothing was sticking for me. Flakes, flakes all around me. It was daygame, yeah, and my average was about 1 number a day, yep. but I refuse to believe the Statistics game. That's not what I came in for, I told myself(Which is true). Actually getting laid took a backseat to feeding my Ego. I just wanted my Ego fed, one phone number was enough for a while...but now it's become hungrier. I want they lay count, I want the list of women on call, I want the lifestyle.

and yet...I know this is a dead end. The PUA lifestyle is a dead end, it could never give my Ego the gratification I am looking for. So what am I really doing it for?

All I want to do is help people. I want to help others. I can never be that asshole. I can never be that 'not give a fuck' guy. It's not how I see the world, It's not how I want to live. PUA fed my Ego because I believed that by learning this skill, by learning to be good with women, people will give me a chance to help them.

I really just want a chance.

I recently started to research why these girls were flaking on me, after all the work I put in. After everything I've learned and applied, it got to the point where one of my approaches called me out on it:

"I think this is just a dare that your friend put you up to"

I laughed it off, but it's ironic how girls can see how un-genuine i'm being, they can see I have ulterior motives. I dont give a fuck about pick up in concept, it's just been a tool to feed my Ego that someday, i'll be good enough at it to help other people. People will come to ME for help in this one particular subject. I'll have POWER, if only to help.

My question is how do I fix this?

I love women, I do, but I love men as well. Not sexually, but in a way I just think all people are amazing and I get fed up with the way we treat each other on a daily basis. Pick up has become a fun hobby for me to meet women on the regular and get to know them...but how can I change my view of what i'm doing? Get away from the Ego feeding? Is it so simple that I can just turn around and set the frame as "This isn't for me, I want to get to know you and potentially help you out, mentally and sexually"? It sounds ludicrous...

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Two words: Carpe Diem