Hope? What's that?
Love? no, only sadness.
Support? Often there is none.
To start off I'd like to give a few analogies and illustrations in hopes to help explain this to those who don't completely understand it.
Physical injuries are often easier to understand an accept. Nearly all of us can relate to a sprained ankle and when we see someone in a wheel chair it isn't too hard to imagine how bad that is. When you see someone in a body cast you know this person is in pain. You can tell just by looking how bad their pain is... well you've got an idea. They're broken and hurt.
No one ever tells the man in crutches to "man up" and come out and play a game of basketball like the rest of us. Why? Cause that's rude and fucked up. You also don't tell the man in crutches to stop acting like such a wuss or otherwise make this guy feel bad about being hurt. Cause that would be extremely rude and really fucked up. Usually people are nice and sympathetic and understanding to those with physical limitations and injuries.
If you there were a man with a bad knee from an accident and he hadn't recovered from it and the Doctors said he'd have permanent physical damage you would never strike this man in the knee and then tell him to stop being a bitch. Striking his knee, the part of him that's injured and damaged, isn't going to do him any good at all. We all know this.
If it was widely accepted that attacking someone who's physically injured in their weak spot was going to help then people would stay hurt. If you keep whacking someone with a knee injury in the knee over and over again and then telling him he's being an asshole and a loser for not walking straight like everyone else he's never going to heal. You're just going to make his injuries worse and worse. Eventually he may not even be able to use his knee.
So, then there are people with mental and emotional limitations. I'm focusing on Depression because it's something that I personally suffer from and many members of my family suffer from. My grand parents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my siblings... there's a high volume of depressed sad people within my family. Many who don't understand how to talk to people who're feeling down [and trust me on this one, when you're depressed and frustrated and someone else who's the same is in your life and they don't get it it's a recipe for disaster]
I've grown up feeling I couldn't trust anyone or talk to anyone about what I felt or went through cause they always had a nack for making me feel bad about feeling bad [I believe this is called kicking someone when they're down]. Which only makes it worse cause you always feel this pain and people tell you you're not allowed to feel it, which makes you feel even worse and then worse for feeling worse and I'm sure you get the idea: It sure as hell doesn't help.
So, what's the point of all of this? Why did I make this post, what am I getting at?
Well, what I've felt in my life has been horrible many of times. To a point where hope didn't exist in my life or love... nothing it was so bad I don't know the words to describe it. It really sucked.
I wish that no one should ever have to feel that way and want to share what has helped me deal with this. What people have said that makes it worse, what they're said that made me feel better and helped. What I've done myself to make things worse for me and what I've done to feel better.
Bare with me, a lot of these idea's and thoughts aren't completely organized as of yet. Most of this is written out of a sense of responsibility and perceived moral obligation to shed more light on the subject to reduce the suffering of others. If this helps only one person I feel the efforts were worth it.
I. You know someone who's depressed.
I.1 What you should NOT say and why
There's a list I recently read about things you should and should NOT say to someone who's depressed. Right now I'm going to cover the things that should NOT be said and my thoughts on why. First here's the link to the article I read.
http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0, ... 28,00.html
This article covers a lot of very generic cliche things that're said to people suffering from depression both by those who say the right and wrong things. Trust me when I say I've heard all of these and more. I'll post all ten and what my own personal feelings and reactions to those statements have been throughout the years.
"There’s always someone worse off than you are." and it's various forms e.g. "At least you're not one of those starving kids in Africa worried about your next meal", "Sure you're not getting laid now, but some people die virgins", etc..
Statements like these in my experience don't make me feel any better. It makes me feel as if the speaker is upset at me for being upset. The many times I've seen this said I've seen a variety of reactions, always rather negative. It's illustrating that whomever is upset and depressed is in the wrong for feeling that way in the first place and that they should feel horrible for feeling horrible. Sometimes it makes them feel angry at whomever said it. Sometimes they buy into it and only feel worse. Most times, for me, it's just fucking frustrating and give off the sense that I'm not allowed to be upset. I never feel like I'm in the wrong for being sad, but when other people act like I am I feel even more isolated and distanced from people and tend to feel less trusting of others and like I have to deal with all this pain alone and by myself. No one cares about me but me.
"You’re not alone in this." and it's various forms is the opposite version. It lets the one feeling down know they have someone there for them who actually cares. Usually one of the things that causes people to feel depressed is loneliness and isolation. Alienation from others and a sense that no one cares or understands. Hearing this is an instant contradiction to those idea's and it's very helpful and comforting.
Thinking of it, I don't currently have the time to cover all of these, so I'll leave just those two statement for now and make a point to come back and write more later.
The most basic idea when talking to someone who's upset is to never say anything that would give the impression you think they should feel bad about feeling bad. Let them know it's okay to feel how they feel and you're there to listen. Don't ever pretend you know exactly what they feel or what they're going through, cause how could you, you aren't them. But you'll try and you'll listen if they need help.
One that personally irritates me is "No one can love you unless you love yourself." which I've often heard said to me and others who're upset about their love life or lack of friends or other social issues. My older brother suffers from depression and often has moments where he breaks down and feels like he's some horrible human being and he apologizes to me about horrible things he's done that he feels bad about. He'll go on and on and say how he's a waste of space and he hates himself and so on.
The general idea and concept is that he certainly doesn't love himself. He doesn't even like the kinda guy he is. He's a self proclaimed asshole and feels shitty about himself because of it. BUT despite his self disdain he has no problem with women or making friends. I've seen him get wasted in a bar without spending a dime cause everyone was happy to see him and kept buying him drinks and everyone wanted to talk to him. At some point he got all depressing and lamented about how horrible of a person he was and some girl was telling him she thought he was an alright guy and she drove him home and fucked him that night.
The statement "No one can love you unless you love yourself." is utter horse shit.
Also that statement is usually said to people who're upset about social issues [making friends finding relationships having sex, etc] and it has strong implications that if someone has those issues they must think they themselves are horrible people. Personally I think I'm one of the nicest people on the planet and that I'm smart and blah blah blah. I think I'm awesome but I'm aware that other people don't feel the same way by observed reactions and interactions I have with others. When someone tells me this in reaction to my frustration over my social life it's more frustrating and annoying than helpful. It's not helpful at all. It makes me feel even more alienated and misunderstood.
II. If you're depressed.
A rule I made a long time ago for myself is to never use destructive habits to cope with negative emotions like stress, depression, sadness, etc.. Or to overcome limitations like shyness, lack of concentration, etc.
Why? Well I've broken is a few times actually... but let's focus on people I've heard of and know who don't have such a rule and use destructive habits to cope with negative emotions.
My older brother has a drinking and substance abuse problem. Initially when he first drank he wasn't upset and just enjoyed the way it felt and how it makes you more social. He tried other substances recreationally a few times as well. Back then it wasn't really a big deal. Then he was starting to drink when he got upset as a way to escape the pressure and stress. He'd do drugs and other substances to cope with the stress and depression he had in life. He didn't feel like he had anyone to relation to or talk to about things. He'd be upset that all these people who thought he was awesome didn't really know him and only liked him for superficial reasons. He feels he's smarter than most people [I don't know, maybe... meh] and lonely cause he can't talk to most people about what's on his mind. And he feels alone and depressed and does drugs to cope with it all.
The issue is that now the major source of happiness in his life is substance abuse. He's depressed when he's not drunk or on something and it's becoming a major issue. Cause he used destructive habbits to cope with life.
I'm guilty of doing that a few times here and there. Mostly with drinking and a few other substances and it tosses you into this situation that feels even more hopeless than before. When you're sober you're not happy and often think about how much better you felt when you were using. I personally made a decision to quit a stress filled job recently just so I could stay away from substances without the threat of work pushing me over the edge again and me having another relapse.
So, how can you prevent this?
When you're stressed or depressed find something constructive to vent out your frustrations. This had worked rather well for me early in life. I'd go for a run or play video games or soccer or something constructive. I'd work out a lot. All these things helped me feel better and improved my life in some way.
To prevent yourself from going down a dark path filled with substance abuse just make a point to never drink or smoke or whatever as a means of coping with your stress. This imo isn't so hard, it's just if you slip up and fall down that path it's hard to get out of it.
How to stop it?
So, you're in the habit of coping with stress via destructive habits? personally i just took everything there was that tempts me to do those things out of my life and started hanging out with friends who don't do drugs and stopped hanging out with the ones who even drink. My friend asks if I wanna go and skate and I go skateboarding, then another friend wants me to go drinking and I say I'd rather not [cause I know where it's going to lead].
With my older brother and younger brother [both who have substance abuse issues] when they come over or I'm spending time with them I make sure we're doing activities we enjoy that don't involve drugs or alcohol. Like watching a movie or playing basketball or video games. If they're upset I listen to what they have to say. I make sure I call them up once in a while to see how they're doing and talk about positive things and stuff that doesn't involve drugs in any way.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I just felt a need to post what I do know about all of this. It's something that I've seen ruining a lot of people's lives that's really fucking difficult to overcome. i feel like if people were more informed it might help with the problems.
My best friend Amy made me think of it one night when I was depressed. She listened to me and talked with me for a while without being judgmental and she showed she cared and believes in me and it made me feel better and significantly less down about life. I figured I should try to do what I can for others as well and do my best to overcome this.
Just remember that a lot of people need a lot of work to get over it all. Most of the time, in my experience, depression is the result of a poor childhood and upbringing that leads to other issues later in life causing a sort of disaster dominoes in life events and it feels really hopeless and dark and lonely. Sometimes all a person needs is just one person to be there for them in order to get better.
CHAT