| Skills' post nailed it. I am the epitome of a nice guy. My psychology is so fucked up that I became mentally ill as a result of it after the age of 23. I'm pretty sure that I (a) hate myself, (b) hate other people, (c) do not know this consciously because the niceness is like an ego-shell lying on top of it, hiding it, subsuming it, becoming my self-identity. I can attest to most of the things in Skills' post.
My life basically consists of trying to become more assertive. I have an avoidant personality disorder which means that becoming angry or saying straight what I want scares the hell out of me. If it really scared the hell out of me I'd be sane by now, so I must assume that being scared really does nothing for me, but allows me to live the smallest life you could imagine.
Things I've learned:
- being assertive means taking up space; you are here, you have needs, you have limits, people should respect them
- people will only respect them if you respect them yourself, which means not being okay about their being trespassed, also it means you actively pursue your needs and are not okay with living a meager, unfulfilled, lacking life in which you say no to things that would bring you joy, pleasure, contentment, and basically, summed up: enjoyment. Loving yourself means enjoying EVERYTHING life has to offer, including sex, money, cars, houses, fame, clothes, travel, power, status, as well as work or activity.
- not expressing or stating or realizing your needs is a form of self-hate, because it is your SELF that is wanting all these things and you can either choose to honor it (love it) or deny it (hate it). The self is going to want and need these things regardless of what you would choose in your pitiful idea of what an existence should be like (yes I'm talking to myself) and it's never going to change, so you might as well grow up and deal with it: this is what life is about, these are your needs, they are yours, you can either own them, or disown them, make choices that speak the truth about them, or make choices that tell the lie about them.
- life as we know it is constructed to deny many of our needs: we are told to hide our sex, to hide our anger, to hide our grief, our love, our fear, our envy. We are also told to be obedient citizens who will never exercise any power worth mentioning, and are given the illusion that we are actually in power (through the agency of 'democracy') while not actually being in control about anything. Because we are told a lie about our power and our freedom and our ownership we hold a skewed view of how powerful, free and in control we really are, causing us to accept a lacking version of these things while not even knowing it. The self knows this, and so we really feel smaller than what we are, what we could be. This not-choosing-to-be-big translates into lacking self-confidence and it's going to determine how big (or how small) the goals are that you set for yourself. Do you want to be a little bit free or a large bit free? And how will you behave around other people? As a hostage to other people's opinions or as a self-owned man?
- anybody who is needy denies parts of the self and then tries to get those parts from others, thinking they are "out there" but not "in here". A person who is not needy acts as if what's out there is already in here, projecting outward a mode of beingness that entails a mode of havingness that says: I have these things, and I can share them with you. I do not need them from you. The life I am living naturally brings these things to me. I am not separate from their sources. They are drawn to me in the process of my life lived. They are already a part of me. They can never be apart from me.
In short, if you think women have something that you need and you experience their source (that woman/women) as lying outside of you, alien to you, separate from you, you will be needy because by definition you do not have it inside of you so you have to start looking outside to get it. A natural is someone who has expanded his sense of self to include those other people (women) so that any particular woman will appear to be 'inside' instead of 'outside' the self that he experiences. Being 'inside', we know we have it, can reach for it, and can give of it. In short, our sex is abundant. We know we have enough of it and we can give it to others (women) when we choose. That means: we express our needs, we show our attraction, and we give women what they want instead of what we think they need to get in order for them to give back what we want from them.
The best thing any guy could ever get is a good role model that does all these things right. Cause seeing is copying. You can never understand these things if you don't yet live it. Your understanding is not even necessary because they ARE your natural behaviours - if you only knew.
The trick is to learn of your abundance. You can only experience yourself as abundant if you reveal it in the choices you make and the behaviours you do. So other people have to see it. You can't keep hiding your sex from women under the false belief that (a) they like a guy better who hides himself and (b) they will be compelled to give of their sex once you selfishly give of the sex you've been hiding.
So hiding the fact that you desperately need a woman in your bed tonight and then attracting a woman with drinks or compliments or niceness might not be so helpful. On the other hand, saying outright "I really need a woman in my bed tonight" and then with a grin "you up for it?" might break the ice - she won't (might not) say yes, but your need is out in the open, it's on the table, and you can both laugh about it. Once you've expressed your neediness, it can't effect you anymore. Only hidden feelings can control you. Any feeling that's unexpressed is hidden. You might know it, but she doesn't (in your experience) so in your experience there is no communication and hence no oneness between you. The feeling has to be shared to create a sense of communion. The sense of communion is needed for you to experience 'her' being 'within you' rather than 'without you'. So for you to feel abundant, she must know of your sexual need.
The stupid thing about it is that she ALREADY KNOWS of your sexual need, for the life of you you couldn't hide it from her. It's just plain stupid to think you can fool her. She already knows, and all that's left for you is to tell her. So basically, the thing you have to do is to align YOUR experience, with truth. You cannot experience her knowing it until you tell her. You have to give this knowledge to her. Once you've given it to her, you do experience her as knowing it, which creates harmony and unity between the two, which opens the door for it to flow to you.
This means that you are NOT LACKING. Expressing your lack instantly creates abundance. Even your lack tells of your sexual abundance. Because you couldn't be lacking if you weren't a sexual being with sex aplenty. The only reason you experience it as lack is because you do not give of it (express it) and you can only experience having something by giving it away. The choice to NOT give of it programs YOUR mind to think that you don't HAVE any of it. A natural is someone who always gives.
So what's the issue. The issue is that you think she doesn't know about your lack, which distances you from her, causing you to experience the lack in full. Thinking that she doesn't know about you, you are afraid to tell her, because (a) your truth is that you are lacking, and hence (b) you have nothing to give to her. It's a vicious circle. The only way to change this is to cause her to experience the knowing of your neediness. In this knowing your neediness is transformed, but YOU have to do it.
But will you? After all, the thought that she doesn't yet know about you is pretty safe when you think yourself ugly (needing). But the truth is that you are wearing the emperor's new clothes, already.
Alright, all this from a guy who can't practice what he preaches. Unless...
|
CHAT
I'm hoping there's opportunity for a guy my age, after all, the desire for nooky doesn't go away. 
