Good afternoon chaps,

I could do with a little advice, essentially I have met this wonderful girl through work. She's very shy and does not appear to have many friends yet we get on wonderfully, she was following me around and generally being delightful, going out of her way to assist me with my work. So naturally later that day we decided to grab a swift drink while she was waiting for her bus home. As we were talking over our tasty beverages three things became apparent, #1 she likes me, #2 we like all the same things and #3... she lives with her boyfriend. Now at this point I accepted that this was going to be nothing more than a friendly drink and I had simply made a lovely new friend. We had a couple more drinks, and I waited with her at the bus stop until it arrived, ensuring a safe trip home.

The very next day, she invites me out again after work, this surprised me but naturally I accepted, after all she is the most wonderful company. This time we had a few more drinks, and she appeared to be deliberately stalling and missing bus times to return home. Eventually the last bus has passed, and I simply can not allow her to spend the night on the streets, so I offer her my sofa. We get back and needless to say, the sofa is not used. She tells me that she is rediculously attracted to me, and that she can't even look at me at work because it causes her to blush. We have an amazing night yet the next day she's all torn up with emotions and feeling very guilty. This made me feel sad, I did not wish anything negative for her. Anyways, she goes back home, tells her boyfriend everything. I'm assuming that he will forgive her as he appears to be a little on the beta side. She then tells me that she loves him and feels that she should stay with him. I then tell her that I understand and accept her decision, and wish her luck for the future. I then sign off and get back to work.
It's a dreadfully busy day so I fail to notice the barrage of messages that she sends, pleading with me not to exit her life and asking to continue meeting up with me for friendly drinks.

Puzzled by this, and against my better judgement I agree and we have a few plans coming up. Now ideally I would like to replace this chap. I'm just wondering about the best way to go about this? I intend to just do more of the same, the attraction is strong and surely it's a matter of time before she feels that it's time to jump ship. Any pointers from anyone who has been in the same situation would be thoroughly appreciated.

Straw Man Technique

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PUSSY, MONEY, WEED.

It doesnt seem to me like she is in a very happy relationship. Does he love her boyfriend like a puppy or a designer coffee table? Is she with that dude because she could not find someone better?

I dont know what the strawman technique is, but it seems to me there is a room for opportunity.

Al

Thank you for the responses.

As I understand it, the Straw Man Technique involves being overly complimentary regarding the current boyfriend, in order to highlight his flaws. I think the philosophy here is to simultaniously convey a high level of value by being able to speak about him in such a manner, while also causing her to think "he's not -that- good". Am I correct?

I understand perfectly that insulting the current boyfriend is utterly suicidal in terms of progress, perhaps there is some logic in following the opposite course of action. I am a little hesitant to apply it though, could somebody who has tried it already let me know what kind of results they've seen?

I agree Al, she doesn't seem happy with him at all, he sounds like a dreadful bore. He only ever stays inside and never wants to do anything, as a result her life has been quite limited until she met me. Also I can't imagine he has a high level of value.. I mean she has told him everything that happened between us and he has not nexted her! Insanity!

I feel that she wants me, but feels like staying with him is the "right" thing to do. Certainly, it feels a lot safer to stand still in the comfort zone, than it does to make that leap of faith accross to something with the potential to be infinitely more wonderful, but still uncertain.

One thing I do intend to do is to communicate with her, in an innocent and friendly manner of course... at times I think she is likely to be with him. That should stoke the flames of jealously in the heart of mr beta, playing nicely into my hands.

Yeah you understand the straw man technique. Fortunately and unfortunately I have never tried it for myself. I still understand well and believe in it.
If I read that last part correctly, you intend to have a friendly conversation with her in front of her boyfriend to make him jealous and basically destroy himself. If that is your idea that is genius, you should definitely give that a shot. I've never heard of this before, but it has no draw-backs and you get to sit back and enjoy the show.

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PUSSY, MONEY, WEED.

Thank you for clarification on the strawman technique! I definitely used something similar to that with huge success.
One question though: does she gain any career advantage or leverage from dating you? I think you acted wisely by approaching this situation with caution.

Oh, and if he is as "adventurous" as you say he is, taking her out to a few interesting places should do the trick even without the technique. By the time he finishes counting the dust bunnies, she will be all yours!

Al

Yes, the idea was indeed to make him jealous using friendly communication. I've stopped for now but I may return to it later.

The situation appears to have changed a bit, she contacted me a couple of days ago asking to meet up as she wanted to tell me something. She told me that she was wrong, she did not want to stay with her boyfriend. This was good, victory appeared to be imminant.

So, later that day we venture out for a few beverages, it becomes clear that her relationship with mr beta is bland in every sense of the word. If you catch my meaning. She returns home with me, and another wonderful night ensues. Morning arrives and she tells me that she wishes she could stay all day, but sadly I have a lot of important work to do so we venture outside.

As we're walking she recieves a call from mr beta, she appears to be a little distressed by this comments on how sad he sounds.

Later that day she calls to say that actually, she did mean what she said and she does wish to stay with him. But naturally wants to continue our freindship venturing out together. I tell her that I would consider it, and that she obviously has a wonderful relationship with this chap and that I would refrain from interfering in the future. I wish them the best of luck and many happy years together before saying goodbye. She's all teary.

My plan now is to do nothing. I feel this is no longer worth any active time investment. She can taste my absence. She may flip again and come running back, or she may not. But this whole episode has not been fantastic for my psychological welfare, so I feel moving on as swiftly as possible is the best thing to do. Regardless of whether or not she changes her mind again.

It is a sad day.

You handled that really well. The fact that she kept changing her mind about her relationship with her boyfriend shows that there was clearly something wrong with it and it is now just a matter of time before she ends it. Chances are she will come back to you when it's time. Question is, are you going to allow her to be with you?

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PUSSY, MONEY, WEED.