So I've reached the point, now a month after a break-up, where I have to meet with my ex and give her the items she left at my house in exchange for the items I left at hers. It's been a long time coming. We live kind of far apart, so I wasn't about to go out of my way to drop her stuff off. Tonight I'm driving that way so I'm finally going to do it.

There's obviously a pretense behind all of this. There always is. I can't say that I don't want to see her. I shared over a year of my life with her and I miss her. I want to be friends with her, but we're at that awkward phase where seeing/talking to each other is painful. I'm using the pretense to overcome some of this and see her. I'm going to keep it very brief.

I want to make it clear that I have no intention of getting back with her. I broke up with her, and I'm happier without her. I'm lonely and kind of depressed, but all-in-all happier. The lonliness makes it harder to deal with, but I'm working on that. I've got a decent number of opportunities, all of which seem more promising than my ex (at least now). It's just...

I don't know. When I broke up with her, I accepted that she would move on and find someone else. I was ok with this. But now, in the face of it all, its a lot harder to deal with. I don't know if she's moved on or not, really, and the not knowing is what's kind of hard. That said, I don't think I'd want to know if she had. I'm sure it's really hard for her, too. She never wanted me to move on. I've done a lot of great things for myself since we broke up that I couldn't do while we were dating. That's got to be a hard pill to swallow. If she actually knew that I was actively dating, that would probably eat her up.

There's nothing I expect anyone to say. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this transition, so I just wanted to write it out and express it. I figured others could identify with it as well.

I don't relate per-se, but I want to add some points.

I'd have done a brief mental calculation of the value of my stuff to decide whether I wanted to see her. Pure mathematical decision.

You can't ask her if she has moved on. She has no obligation to tell you and pretty much shouldn't. And the same for you. You already told her a month ago that your intention is to not be with her, remember?

If you want to be friends with her (truly), and you feel the way you do, then I can't see any option for you but to go no contact for a period of time; I'd suggest 3 months or so, but you need to assess your feelings at the time. Without this time and space, things can't/won't get easier.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that your life is moving in a positive direction. Hopefully hers will too.

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I'm a winner - I am going to win.

I did see her. The value of the item was nearly zero, but I did want to return her item to her. As I said though, I wanted to see her. I missed her. Not in a "I want to be with her" kind of way, but in a "I spent a lot of time with her, and it feels weird not seeing her" kind of way. I'm not sure if seeing her was a good idea. I was pretty hard.

She seems good. I don't know if she's found someone else or found something to do with her time, but she seems to have found something to focus on in order to move past me. I'm actually happy for her. I spent a lot of time worrying about her after I broke up with her. She was very attached to me. I'm glad she was able to move on. I hope it's not an act.

At the same time, there was a time when I envisioned marrying her. I'm glad I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I'm not having a really tough time with all of this. I just have such mixed feelings. I miss her, but I can't be with her. I guess that's why I want to be friends. We shared so much of our lives, I can't imagine not seeing her again. I realize now that it will take me some time. What's weird is it will probably take me more time than it takes her. She seems to want to be friends now. I can't imagine being even close to ready for that.

ups

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Wow I just got out of a similar kind of situation, but oh boy did you handle it way better than I did! I really don't want to hijack your thread in any way, but I feel like writing about my experience now too. A while ago I already started a thread about how to deal with this break up, because I was having a really though time, especially after she told me she made out with some guy after we had a fight.

My now ex-gf wanted to stay friends as well and I have told her multiple times it feels really weird for me to do that since I still cared a lot about her and actually didn't want to see her move on. However I chose to see her from time to time, we saw a movie or went out to grab some food occasionally. Actually, things went pretty well.

Until one time her best friend hit me up, asking me what I did that night and I told her I had no plans whatsoever. She invited me to come out to Breda (nearby city where she lives) and that if neccisary, I could stay over at her place. I accepted to go out with her and we ended up getting drunk and I stayed over at her place. Nothing happened, but I did get a call from my ex the next day telling me that she was very upset and didn't want to see me ever again. We ended up talking it out pretty well in the end though.

Then a week later or so, another good friend of her sent me a facebook message, asking me where the party was tonight. As I was already out having some beers with some of my friends I thought it would be fun if she came out and have some drinks with us, obviously not thinking about what happened a week ago. We had some drinks and had fun. But ofcourse the next day, my ex called me again, being very upset again, but we also managed to talk this out.


Then the next thing happened and this part is actually kind of messed up. Passed wednesday there was this party of her studentassociation. Since I am the graphic designer of that student association I was invited as well. The communication coördinator of that association (which was also the person who gives me the assignments I have to do for the graphic designs I make) was there too. She introduced herself to me and told me she was glad to finally see me in person. I recently bought a portable breathalyzer and I started to drink shots (which had massive discounts that night) with a friend of mine, to see who could blow the highest promillage.

After a while we obviously got drunk and I noticed that the communication coordinator started flirting with me. At that point a friend of me texted me where I was, and I texted him in which pub I was and that he should come. I also suggested to the girl we should go outside and have a walk. just outside of the city centre we started making out and she was really getting turned on and she asked me to sleep over at her place, I said okay.

When I went back to the pub my friend is there with my ex-gf, since she was the only one he knew there. I didnt arrive there together with the girl I was with, allthough my ex did asked me why I was gone for so long. I told her I just went out to catch some air and she said, you were with a girl werent you? I told her yes.
She asked who it was and I did not want to tell her. IMO there was no point in telling her who I was with since would only make her relation with the other girl akward and she would just feel bad about it. I told her this but she insisted on wanting to know, but I kept my foot down and didnt tell her.

I told my friend I was leaving, but that he really shouldnt tell my ex what I was up to. However, as I found out later, he ended up making out with her, he apparently told her that I was going to bang that girl I was with and that I was a bad person for doing so. May be so, but it was not a friend of her. At this point I did not want to have anything to do with her anymore, but I did have mixed feeling about my 'friend'. So I would like to know, do you guys have any advice on what to say to him? I felt really bad about it, so I could appreciate it if someone has some good advice about this.

The next day I saw I received a facebook message from my ex, saying that she knew who I was with followed by an 'eww'. She also blocked me and deleted me from facebook. I called my friend to apologize for leaving early and that was when I found out he made out with her. I found it pretty upsetting at the moment and I really felt the need to yell at my ex, so I called her and she was mad as well, telling me I fucked a friend of hers so thats why she made out with my friend. I knew for a fact the girl I banged wasnt a friend of hers. The girl even told me she hated my ex for being so flirty with her boyfriend when she still had one.

The day after that I went out with my friends again (not the one I just told you about). And saw my ex again in a pub. We kind of ignored eachother except for some mean looks it didnt escalate from that. Until we went outside to go to another club, she walked along with some guy and yelled something and I flipped her off. Then the guy came up to me and started asking me what my mother would think of this. Since I have lost my mother a couple of years ago to a terrible disease in combination with being intoxicated, I couldnt keep my calm anymore and started yelling at him. Then a friend of me came in and pushed him and my ex completely started flipping out. Security guards came out to keep us apart from eachother.

I know I have behaved like a douchebag, but I still felt really bad about this whole situation. I knew from the start we should have taken a while to cool down a bit and prevent situations like this where we still get jealeous on eachother, but I could not do it. And now, we both blew a chance of ever becoming friends again. I pity that, I really do. I still think about the good times we had and how we were so good together. But maybe, just maybe, things are better this way. What I mean by that is that we do not have contact in any way now, so that we can not hurt eachother any more.

I see now that this has become quite a story, im so sorry for that. I just also felt the urge to write this off me really badly and since we were on the same topic, I didnt see the neccessity to open up a new thread for this.

Good luck with moving on man!

Shit friend. Get some better ones.

Delete her number.
Don't do that.

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I'm a winner - I am going to win.

Yeah did that already, as well as deleted her from all forms of social media i had her on, so no way of initiating contact is (easily) possible. Going to progress with FTOW, im at 3 now. Should be easily doable in the next month IMO.

The sister of the friend that made out with my ex has shown a lot of interest in me, or would that be a no go? I like her a lot and he once told me I could try, but he didnt think I had a shot at all. I think otherwise though.

Who cares what he thinks, he's a shit friend. Definitely proceed.

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I'm a winner - I am going to win.

Hanging out with a recent ex sends a real mixed message, to both of you. It twists your emotions around and you have a hard time figuring out where you really stand. You end up somewhere between friends and bf/gf. It's really confusing and I recommend against it. Personally, I've avoided it like the plague. Seeing her briefly is one thing, talking with her occassionally might be ok too, but there needs to be some distance so that you're not confusing yourself of her.

Even now, she's started talking to me some via IM. I think I need to tell her that it's still really hard for me. While I don't mind talking to her, I'm not yet ready to make a regular occurance out of it. I really don't want to mislead her, either. It's unlikely, but there's still a chance that she's trying some ploy to get back with me. I don't want to send mixed messages.

You'll want to avoid her friends, too. I think you've already realize that they are bad news. It's just a really bad situation that you're better off avoiding. There are plenty of other women out there, try to stay away from her social circle, for her sake as well as yours.

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I'm starting to get a little more in touch with what I am feeling, and I think some of it is guilt. A little background might help:

I started learning about PUA some 7 years ago. It wasn't PUA to me then, I was just trying to do things to make me more attractive to women. I was interested in one specific woman, a HB9, a good friend, and an awesome chick. I learned to not have oneitis,and I pursued several other women. Eventually, though, I got her.

Well, that was probably the worst thing that could happen to me. As awesome as she was, she was mentally unstable and a horrible alcoholic. Nevertheless, I developed oneitis while dating her. I fell for her, which she made clear she didn't want, and it turned into a bad situation. She stuck with it regardless, but in the end distance broke us apart.

... And I spent the next 3 years comparing every woman to her. No amount of game would get me out of that funk. I just wasn't getting any play, anyhow, for a really really long time. It got to the point where I was looking up ex's and stuff like that. Anything to get me back into the game.

Well, she was an old friend who used to have a crush on me. I found her again through MySpace and we started talking. I thought maybe I could get a fairly easy lay that might get me back into the game...

Well, everything took longer than I thought, and I really wasn't dating anyone else. Eventually, it became exclusive more or less incidentally. I was never very sure that it was a good relationship for me to be in. There was no challenge. There was no excitement. We basically became an old boring couple right from the starting line. And I let it go on for far too long because I was scared of being alone. The relationship moved really slow, but eventually she started seeing a future for us, and I started realizing how little of a future we had. Suddenly I started to feel like I'd be happier alone than in the relationship. I started remembering all the great things I did for myself when I was alone, and how I wasn't doing any of them now. I had to end it. From her point of view, it was abrupt. We never really had a great relationship though. There was no communication. She took me for granted, and I put up with it because I didn't want to be single. There was a lot wrong with our relationship, and when I started pointing this things out, they really became as clear as day.

So after all this, I feel like a horrible person because I used this poor girl for my own selfish needs, and then I discarded her when it no longer suited me. I empathize with the pain she feels because I more-or-less intentionally put her in that situation. In a way, I want her to move on so that I may be absolved of this sin I have committed.

So I guess that shows you the dangers of oneitis. Also, all those "nice guy" AFCs who think women are better off with them than an asshole, that's not necessarily so... AFCs have a difficult time controlling their emotions, and it lands them in situations like this. AFCs can actually be worse. Dealing with a guy who sleeps with you and moves on is one thing, something like this is another thing entirely...

I'm still an AFC. I know that. I have my shining moments where I can spit game like no other, but they are few and far between. I'm working to get better. My goal now is to go on as many dates as possible. While I do want a LTR, I'm not going to jump at the first opportunity this time. It's time for me to see what's out there and pick the right person before I decide to commit.

Take this time to find yourself, I was where you were, in an LTR, 18 months...my gut would tell me, it's not going to work but I found every other reason to stick it out...great at first...it always is....then crash and burn in the end resulting in a loss of identity within me!

We did the break up and get back together and break up again...at the very end, I told her, if we break up again and I have stuff here at your place, keep it, I don't want it and make sure you do not leave anything at my house, you will not be getting it back...so she took what she had, I left a lot at her pad, I began living there...we finally broke up, I never contacted her again after the first of Jan and she never attempted to contact me either...it's better that way and I can care less what she did with the stuff.

With that said, it doesn't mean that I don't miss her, that I don't wish her the best, I too had visions of us together, married. I think about her everyday...but I know I'm better off without her. It's a period of mourning the loss of a loved one the very same way you mourn one's passing, they are no longer in your life and you miss them because you connected with them on a level that just can't be severed with a snap of the fingers, it will take time but it will come for you...hopefully...they say some never get over it, some do very easily...I chose this path for myself so I am hoping it is sooner that never.

Staying friends with her will only make it harder for you to get past her, let her be but if you find that you want to try and work things out, then, start slowly and progress from there. It's a hard road ahead especially with being alone again...but for me, I found myself a better and stronger person from this experience. I have GREAT friends and I have also looked at centering myself with my beliefs of what I want in my life now...I don't regret the choice I made, I only regret not doing it sooner!

Good luck to you!

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You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.