Last night i was talking to my girlfriend, over the fact that i just don't get mad...

I find it very hard to get mad over things, i think it's a waste of time... I rather stop the relationship then getting mad... not sure how this comes..., so we ended up talking about I never had been mad at her, but she never did something unacceptable in the relationship...

this narrows down to bounderies... I want your guys opinion on this... what do you allow ur girlfriend and what are don'ts...? I obviously don't want to be a pushover boyfriend who can't get mad, and don't want to be too controlling on her...

What do you allow your girlfriend, and over what do you get mad?

(This might be very situational, if so, got some guidelines?)

Thx for time and reading effort!

Dude.

EXCELLENT. FUCKING. QUESTION.

You seem to think exactly like me. I'll talk about anger for a minute without even relating it to relationships.

I was raised in a violent home where there was a lot of anger and fighting. After leaving home, I found myself in a lot of toxic relationships that caused me a lot of emotional turmoil. Basically the first 23 years of my life were spent incredibly angry.

At 23, I had high blood pressure, chest pains, constant heartburn, and was always angry. In order to (possibly literally) save my life, I needed to learn how not to be angry anymore. I started reading self-improvement books and what I realized was that when you allow someone or something to make you angry, you are basically allowing that thing to control you. Since that day over ten years ago, I rarely get angry (only in the most extreme of negative circumstances). And even then, I may "feel" upset, but I try very hard not to "get" angry or MAD.

Because of this, like you, I absolutely refuse to get angry and yell or fight with my girlfriend. I will argue if I feel it is needed to make my point understood, but I WILL NOT yell, or fight, or say intentionally hurtful things. Basically, I WILL NOT allow a woman to drive me to abusiveness. And make no mistake: yelling, scaring, hurtful words are abuse. And there is no shortage of women out there who actually get off on controlling their men and forcing them into such behaviors. Because it is CONTROL and they like it.

When a women is INSISTENT on pushing me to anger, I will give her an ultimatum. I will say: I am not going to fight with you. Either you stop this shit or I'm done.

If she insists on screaming, or interrupting me on the phone, I hang up, and I keep hanging up until she speaks in a calm and respectful fashion.

Imagine that.

For me, it's all about control. I am not going to be controlled by anyone or anything. And make no mistake, if you let your girlfriend bring you to anger, you are letting her control you.

I tell girls when it starts to get serious with me "I spent over ten years of my life fighting every day with my ex, I will NOT do that anymore, if you need that sort of drama, you need to find someone else, because I will NEVER be that guy. Trust me."

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

aye mack, deff

cool vibed relationships are always the best but we all know that sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship with a girl that seems to over react sometimes, oh well.

i think the boundaries of communication are the best, when you start yelling emotions take over you and nothing constructive comes out of it, the communication stops at those times so it's a no no

so basically, whenever something happens and you guys aren't communicating, those are the boundaries, for me at least that is

I addressed the anger issue in my last post.

My boundaries (in general)?

- Dishonesty
- Disloyalty
- Disrespect
- Disinterest
- Infidelity

Anything that crosses those lines and I'm gone so fast that I pass rays of light on my exit.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

desinterest can be your fault tho right

Absolutely.

(That's funny, I wondered if someone would pick that up, and you did pretty quickly)

I mean disinterest in the important parts of who I am. Not disinterest like we usually talk about in PUA. I'm talking about a girl who isn't the least bit interested in the fact that I do bodybuilding, or the least bit interested in the fact that I'm a proud parent and love my daughter, or the least bit interested in my core values (like religion, or just beliefs, whatever)

I'm not referring to the disinterest that we generate by being boring. I'm referring to people so selfish and uncaring that they can't be bothered to attempt to 'show' interest in anything that makes up their partner's identity.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

great minds think alike, sounds like the perfect bs for this situation hahaha,
i get you, that can be a big turn off for me too

i find it helpful to sometimes put my hands inside my underwear and grab my balls, it's ridiculous to think that we're supposed to please and like everyone

Interesting post great question and good discussion. Toatally agree

From my personal experience 80% of the time - Dishonesty - Disloyalty - Disrespect - Disinterest and- Infidelity are a direct result of Disinterest in the 'being boring sense'.

Mytt8, I don't agree when it comes to a serious LTR. I think real disinterest, or let me rephrase it, when a woman can't even begin to understand what you're really about, your deep wishes, your needs, I mean this in the deepest sense, when you've been in a relationship for quite a while and she should know these things about you, and she's not genuinely interested in who you really are, well that's a big red flag. It has nothing to do with attraction or the relationship being boring. It has a lot to do with control. She has control over the relationship and imposes her reality, her views, her visions. So much so, she disregards yours. When she sees your passions and hobbies as something childish, stupid or not worth while, you know what I mean? I see that as real disinterest in the person you truly are. That's a big turn off and a red flag for me.

Agreed.

How could someone NOT be boring, when the person they are with doesn't care to know them as a person?

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Well In my opinion if I start out as this interesting, creative, unpredictable person Im automatically awarded with respect off chicks, and in turn they are more likely to be loyal, be faithful and take an interest in everything I do and want to be around me and be in a relationship with me.

Say then I turn into a boring person there are more likely to disrespect me and in turn will show disloyalty become disinterested in me as a person and ultimately are more likely to cheat if in a relationship or not want to start a relationship beforehand.

I have learned this from my own experience

I don't disagree with you, Mytt. But I don't associate all responsibility for a functioning relationship onto a man having pua skills. LOL

I am big on personal responsibility and I like your attitude. But the biggest pua in the world could still be cheated on. At that point, it wouldn't be due to a lack of his game, it would be due to a lack of character in his partner. It happens.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

From my experience, smart women can start taking control of the relationship bit by bit, without you even noticing it. And suddenly, some day you wake up and wonder how did this happen. It all starts evolving around her interests and her vision of your life together, and she makes you believe her goals are yours as well. Now, this may be because I was an AFC deep down. With my last GF of 5 years, I used DeAngelo to pick her up. She was so into me, it was crazy. She left her husband for me (he was an abusive cocaine addict - so it was bound to happen). We were so in love, she looked up to me and supported my interests, my music, she was always ready to listen. Three years later, my music, my theatre group, my social life starts to bother her. She manages to impose another routine in our lives, and I thought I wanted it too. Deep down I knew this was wrong, but had I set the boundaries that Mack 2.0 is talking about, I would have ended the relationship right there. But no, I stuck around for two more years, became depressed and started loathing myself and generally felt worthless. When we broke up, all our mutual friends were shocked, everybody thought we were perfect together. She was never disloyal or infidel, but she was DISINTERESTED in who I truly am. This caused lack of respect for my life and my needs, and from there it can only go downwards.
Now, I don't think I was ever boring in my relationship. Our home was generally filled with laughter, we had great sex life, we travelled a lot, and if you see it like that, it was a really good relationship. But it still didn't work out. I admit it is my fault I didn't set the boundaries when I had to. I should have said, fuck you, I'm doing this because it is who I am, if you don't like it, you can go. Maybe it would have ended right there, maybe this would be something unacceptable for her and I respect that. But I didn't and I just watched myself decay as a human being afterwards.
So setting boundaries is really important. It's important to do it at the beginning of a relationship and whenever needed later on. And Mack 2.0 hit the nail with his list of boundaries. They encompass everything that comprises a man's dignity.

You are a smart chick, Txacoli.

Listening to your story, I can really relate. I've gotta tell you though, women aren't the only ones who manipulate like that. It does go both ways. I don't think it's gender-specific. I've seen guys wrap beauty queens around their fingers and manipulate them into a quivering, sobbing mess on the floor.

I think a lot of these manipulative behaviors come down to what is and what isn't acceptable in society at a given time. Nowadays, it's quite "chic" for women to be shallow and manipulative. Hence, we see more of it. If you went back to the 70's and 80's, it was totally the other way. The women were usually the victim of being treated worthless and not valued as a person because that's "how it was" back then.

My code doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, it applies to all relationships/dealings in my life. I learned it as a method of self-defense and self-preservation.

No one should have to put up with:
- disrespect
- disloyalty
- dishonesty
- disinterest

...from anyone, not a friend, not a brother, not a sister. These are basic human decency and they are lacking in most circumstances nowadays.

I'm kind of a mixed bag. I was raised in an incredibly abusive home and then I was raised on the streets in an incredibly violent way. I learned really quick what "respect" was about. Problem is, a lot of people never get that lesson.

I'm passionate. But passion goes both ways. I can be your best friend. I can also be your worst nightmare. I have those boundaries in place to protect the other person...

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I agree it goes both ways. I have a HB10 friend and she's being wrapped around the guy's finger. When I asked her if she thought this guy deserved her, she said NO. But she's still with him...
This is also one of the reasons I come to this forum and it has helped me a lot to adopt a better mindset. I generally don't have similar issues with friends, but only with women (including my mother LOL). I read The Book of Pook recently and it opened my eyes in so many ways.
About boundaries to protect others, I think once you set those boundaries to protect yourself and they are congruent with who you are, it is nearly impossible to want to treat another human being badly. At least this is what I feel. I really don't want to walk over anybody. I'm really romantic in that sense. I strive for harmony, unity, mutual respect, so I would never deliberately cross these same boundaries.