Let me start this letter out with saying I love you. I want and hope that things can improve between us... but as of right now I don't know what to do... because I have so much weighing in on my mind. And this is everything written out for you - right here so you can understand.
This letter is WAY past due. And these are things that I have been wanting to say for a long time - but I can never talk with you and instead we end up arguing instead of just talking like normal couples should. If you do not read anything else in this - read the 5'th line(paragraph) up from the bottom (part that says **IMPORTANT**) - the second to last "section". It is important you read every part of this letter... but that line is probably the most important.
First off, I am not breaking up with you in this letter... I just need time to think about what I need.. because I am starting my Academy in a month and I do NOT want to have to deal
with all the drama and the issues we have while in the academy. I need all my
focus to be on the school and not worry about problems we are having.
I can't blow away my future in that way.
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We have had some amazing times together.
Going to Berkeley and drinking,
Going to the city countless times, and yelling funny shit out the windows.
Going to IKEA and shopping for our "condo".
Going on walks on your golf course.
Laying on the ground and staring up at the stars talking.
Holding hands and walking to places we have never been.
Talking about our futures and how we want each other to be a part of them.
Valentines day,
Spending the night at Stormies and sleeping together for the first time and literally "sleeping": haha.
Watching movies and holding eachother in our arms feeling our hearts beating.
You drooling on me and laughing about it.
Our countless laughs and amazing drives "do you think it fell off?"
So many memories it would take a long time to write them out. But point is... we had/have something amazing... however somehow, we got way off track from a loving and amazing couple which we were... to being mean and selfish.

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::::Now, to the real issues that could have been worked on so much earlier than this::::
First off let me start this out with the most recent turn of events with the whole "dream guy" thing. Reason it upset me so much is because of how jealous you are that your friend is dating this guy. You sounded very envious of her. You said "what are the chances of meeting a guy like that?"
- THANKS.. what am I?? A piece of shit?? A remark like that means that you really feel like he is a better guy than me. While he DOES have a career and is rich... I am just as much of a man and I have goals and dreams for myself too. I am going about achieving them too.. I am not just sitting around.
You made me feel like complete second class shit. You made me feel like I am second best to you and that you would prefer a guy like him. And I wish you could admit it - that you were jealous of her boyfriend and that is why you told me what you told me. And that hurts.
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Somehow we got the idea that it is OK to be mean and
say mean things without even caring. Verbal abuse. Then somehow you
expected me not to get mad or upset about those things we said.
Such as:
-How you told me that you complain about me and never brag about me anymore.
-How you think I am not much of a man.
-How you think I handle things like a girl.
-How you think I am a worthless human being for being where I am in life (even though I am becoming my dream and achieving my goal of becoming law enforcement).
-That I am a selfish person and only care about myself.
-That I am no better than your dad.
-That I am not your dream man.
-That I suffocate you by spending too much time with you.
-That I have no life.
-That I am a failure.
-That I over react to your obvious and blatant flirting to other guys then lying about it.
- that you think I am girly and that I am not a man at all. (FYI... hurtful thing to say to your boyfriend)
How can you expect me NOT to remember all the mean and hurtful things you have said??
Sure - I can forgive you for them... but I will never forget what you said.... I can even get over the fact that you said them to me... but expecting me not to feel different after every time you say mean things to me is ignorant. I feel like I can't even be myself. That I have to pretend to be someone I am not.
I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around you.. and I feel like anything I say or do will upset you and piss you off. That is NO way to be in a relationship... I should be able to just be ME and not worry about things.
You/and me... have turned our relationship into a broken fractured mirror of what it was originally. And it is sad that it has gotten here.
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The whole trust issue. I have given you all my trust back - after we had that talk about "suffocating". I have been a lot less concerned and A LOT more care-free about everything. Point is... you had ruined my trust in the beginning... I really don't care - because I knew you loved me and that you wouldn't cheat on me and if you did you would regret it. But still. You know the reasons behind why I had a hard time trusting you in the first place. You did that.
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I remember that when I used to say things like "I don't accept second class behavior from people, I don't accept liars, I don't accept people playing "games" with me, and that I don't like flakers"... you always used to say - well it's a good thing I wont ever do any of those. And when you DID do something.. you always apologized for hurting me or making me feel second class. But I never get any type of anything from you anymore.
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It basically all comes down to what I've been saying all along... that our communication needs to be worked on. That we need to be able to just TALK to eachother without jumping to eachother attacking eachother. We need to be able to TALK. If people handled every situation the way we do and never TALKED about anything - then the world would be a pretty fucked up place. You never seem to want to talk though... and for some reason always get heated and mad whenever I want to talk rationally and maturely like two adults.

Your and my communication goes a little something like this:

-I try to talk with you calmly about something that is bothering me/you/us.
You rage up and take offense to something I say.
-I get mad that you aren't just talking to me and COMMUNICATING with me.
You get mad and start arguing and saying "I don't even want to talk about it"
-Then we shut up and fight even more from moment to moment... and the
ISSUE NEVER GETS RESOLVED... so we have all these issues that never get
solved because you "don't feel like talking them out".
We end up fighting and getting all worked up and upset about something that could have been handled by a simple "talk".
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I know you have a lot of stress from school. I also know you have a lot of things that worry you. You might just be taking a lot of it out on me.... but I don't want to be the target of your built up stress. I will not judge you because of your stress - but I don't like being the target of your anger in life. I understand why you are angry and insecure about your own life and why you filter out your anger at me.. but I don't deserve that.
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***IMPORTANT PART***
Now, I don't know what is going to happen here... but either for future reference for US -OR- for future reference for your NEXT boyfriend... BE OPEN AND COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. Sit down - listen, talk to him... understand where he is coming from and try to listen. Work with him and solve problems. Don't laugh in his face or tell him to fuck off when he tries to talk to you. Don't hangup on him when there is something bothering him, and don't act like how he feels isn't important. IT IS. He is a human being and wants to be happy in the relationship just as much as you do. But unless you can communicate about the issues at hand - nothing will ever be solved and he will always feel like you don't care.
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Now, I know you don't think I am very "manly" but I am not afraid to choose a better path for myself. If I see that things are not improving and that things are not going to - then I will choose the path I deserve and get out. I am not afraid - because I am happy with my life and anything that happens will not affect me and I will not let something bring me down like that. I know there are people who care about me and that there will be people and someone in the future that care about me as well.
I want to work everything out with you and have things get better.... I honestly don't know if that is possible though.... I think you are just the type of person that would rather shut herself off rather than communicate and listen. That makes me sad.
I DO love you Rochelle. I love you a lot, but I also need to think what is best for myself. And I want what is best for myself to be what is best for US also.. but maybe that is just wishful thinking.
I have a lot on my mind and need some time to think everything over.