| I'd like to say I know where I went wrong, I'd like to know what I need to work on, and I'd like to be able to find myself for once. I'm not going to give you my life story, but there are certain things that I just need to get out there. Any of you that can help and identify, I would greatly appreciate your input. As pathetic as it may seem, this is the only place where I'm really throwing out my feelings, due to the recent lack of friends and family in my life.
Most of us here have been in love, or atleast had an ideology of love with a significant other. I myself had my heart broken a few years back, and now I'm right back where I am. I always told myself after the first time that moving on sucks because you actually train your mind to forget about all the good things that may have happened. Somewhere along the road I lost that, and let myself fall in love again. I had several girlfriends whom some were better then other, but I never had that feeling of real love again. 3 years later and now I'm stuck at my computer desk on a saturday night trying to keep my sanity.
Quick background from where I am now, I've been without a lisence for the past 6 months because of a DUI. I don't drive drunk, but I'm under 21 so a beer would fail me. I was right down the road and pulled over in the driveway I was staying at, but I won't try to justify my actions... I do regret it greatly. I went through a phase of practicing my game, and had some remote success through parties and clubs. Then I met a girl who I felt met the criteria of someone I could be with. I let her in my life, and with the knowledge that she had broken up with a boyfriend recently. I asked her if she was completly over him, and she was... so I proceeded. We started dating and things went fairly well. We did not communicate much, besides to make plans to hang out a couple times a week. After 2 months we both admitted our love for another (her first). I really felt joy at this moment, because I made the realization that I could fall in love again, and perhaps this girl is the one for me. Obviously on such short period I had concerns, but it felt right. I was aware of past problems in previous relationships and took all costs to avoid them. I made everything for her, commonly teased her which she seemed to react well too, and basically avoided being clingy/jealous at all costs. This worked well for while, until basically I must have pushed her buttons with being to cocky and almost acting careless. She had a friend who was depressed that she met through a mutual friend, I had known him in highschool, but I wasn't much more than an aquantince to him. She told me he was helping him through his problems, which I was completly fine with... I even let her ditch one of our dates because he said he was going to kill himself. With complete confidence I believed it was her being a friend, as she proffesses her love for me all the time. After awhile we had some communication issues as I said before, we wouldn't talk much besides when we hung out. It got bad one weekend and she came to pick me up from work (remember I have no lisence) and she told me she didn't know who to be with. She started explaining that he was able to let out all her feelings to her, and that she was a reason to live for again. Immediate reaction I got upset and teared up, she started crying and said thats all she needed to see... is that I care. After a long weekend of her explaning why this happened and everything I agreed to still be with her as she never had actually cheated on me. I even told her she could still be friends with him, as it looks like she needs his help. At the time it was really hard for me to fathom how she was attracted to someone suicidal and so down about life.
It started coming and I came to learn my girlfriend was becoming suicidal, her divorced parents and her dying grandmother who just moved into her house were really starting to get to her. The whole incident put her behind in school as well. It got to the point where she cut herself and went to her friend of whom the incident happened with. This upset me slightly, but I stayed calm... as she reassured me that I was what she wanted. She told me I'm the first person she has ever fallen and love with... and now a week later, after a 3 month relationship I'm single. It turns out in the end she says she doesn't love me anymore and that she can't tell me anything. She did this crying hysterically and she countinued to hold and kiss me. I stayed as calm as possible and told her I agree with the breakup... she needs to do whats best for herself. We both need time to figure out ourselves again and figure out what we want. In my mind I knew she thought she should be with him, but I stayed silent about it... I know shes going to him now.
I truly loved and cared for this girl, and it wasnt for this guy... I'm certain we'd have a great relationship. I had more fun then I had with anyone with her. Not only did I lose my love, but I lost my best friend. Which came to me recently relize the few friends I have here for me right now. I have one friend who had a party and picked me up last night and we had a great time. Many pictures with some girls, which I know my ex will be seeing on facebook to see I can be happy. The truth is my friend is caught up in his own shit, and all my other friends fail to care. My family I try to go to, but things have changed since my DUI and I have trouble talking to them. I'm not truley happy, and all I can do is think about her. I've sworn to myself to not contact her, and have not had contact from her either. Although I did see qoutes on her facebook page saying she was missing someone and some sad love song qoutes. I'm feeling anything but happy right now, and I know the best things to do for myself are just to go out and focus on me. Do things to improve my life and surrond myself with friends and family. The truth is without a lisence I feel there is little I can do, and my friends and family is a difficult situation. I don't want to have to move forward and forget about all the wonderful things I had with this girl... I don't want to give up. I need help... and I need it now.
I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read this, and it would even be greatly more appreciated for anyone who can give me any insight.
Thanks,
Mortal
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CHAT