The problem with my girlfriend is that she does everything she can to control me and will get very jealous if I even hang out with my friends. I really do love her and I don't want to leave her, but she really has crossed the line with some of the things she does. One important thing to note is that she's likely Bipolar or Borderline. I've tried talking to her about it before, but it is not something that I can easily talk to her about. Also note that she always tells me how much she loves me and how grateful she is for me (She sometimes talks about having kids and getting married).


Here's the most recent story where she's displayed how controlling she is:

I was talking to her over an instant messenger and everything seemed fine, but then I told her that I watched Avatar. She immediately said she was going to sleep and logged off the messenger. I figured she had planned to see it with me, so I decided to not let it bother me.

Today I was talking to her over the messenger again. Everything was fine until I told her that I did something with my friends earlier. She says "Oh." and stops responding and talking, in other words acting cold (Note: She puts periods at the ends of her sentences to let me know I did something wrong).

I send a few messages and eventually she comes back. I ask here where she's been and she replies "Shower.". Now I decided to confront her about last night and today. She obviously gets mad and tells me that I'm paranoid and that she was just really tired. She tells me to stop talking to her and that she's going to sleep.

She did no go to sleep, she instead tries to communicate to me with her status updates (Feature on AIM where you put set your status and it displays it for everyone to see). First she mocks me and indirectly says I'm angry and paranoid. She starts to talk to her friend and gives a couple random status updates, obviously telling me that she's not asleep.

I don't respond, since that's obviously what she wants me to do and it would just affirm her control over me. After a couple hours I give up and say I'm going to sleep, she says goodnight. I apologize for being paranoid and all seems back to normal.


Alright, so please tell me what I'm supposed to do, since I am honestly clueless. I've thought about just being cold back to her, but I am not entirely sure if it would work. I believe she exploits the weaknesses she has found in me to indirectly vent her insecurities and problems (She has been under a LOT of stress lately because of issues with her family).

my ex-fiance had borderline + bipolair disorder ...... really those people can't take it when your happy. If you come home from work and your laughing she will like be '' what are you laughing about :S'' They are jealous like shit ! they are cling-ons.

people with those disorder always are testing you .. they always want to be right and they always need to fight to get a sense of security.

people with these 2 disorders ALWAYS see themselfs as victims and victims of life ! you can't make them feel guilty or bad BECAUSE they blame everyone else.
stop being her fucking therapist .... i see so many broken relationship because someone takes up the therapist role.
people with these disorders have a twisted way of loving.... sometimes they don't know what love is.... Talking about having kids is obsolete and un-important. Gratefull for you .. get the fuck out of here .... looks how she treated you on msn wit that fucknig ignoring stuff. AND YOU even apologize and that's what she wants because people with those disorders want you to say sorry so they can feel good about their out-of-controlled emotions and fucked up life.
Those people live and crave on ego boosts delivered by other people.

if you really love / respect someone you don't play those games on them it's fucking immature.

When dealing with people with borderline you have to realize :

1. they are the victim because they got the disorder.

2. you have to be unaffected and strong all the time... they seek people with stable lives because they got unstable lives themselfs.

3. Don't apologize .... they see apologize as victory and not as something sincere.

4. Don't let them walk over you, insecure people like these constantly press on your boundaries in order to feel safe.

5. Don't figure out undersatnding their emotions .. because they switch from hour to hour, and don't talk about their problems like it is a problem.

Don't be a therapist ! or your relationship will fail.....

i dealt with borderline/bipolar disorder before .. my ex-fiance had it . if you have any questions feel free to reply or PM me.

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Hey Varo,she isn't controlling. Bipolar maybe but not controlling(lol).

She seems to be a drama queen also. I can't really help you wit this one. Relationship probs' are like my downfall so I can't advise on this.

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Drama queens are attention seekers .... They want attention in any form and sometimes negative attention is preferred - Becasue they want to seek your boundaries to feel secure. However this can drain you emotionally and can really mentally break you if you endure it long enough.

look we don't know her but if you really are sure she got it then she probably got it.

Borderline can be breaken... the habit can be beaten and persons suffering from this can make a big U turn. Bipolar disorder is harder to overcome - because those emotions come and go and it's very hard to control emotions.

If you GF is a drama queen and is picking fights / searching for negative attention then you can be sure she got a problem. Either she got a disorder or she has some bad experiences from the past , people test you because they feel insecure themselfs.

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Look... Sure, you can try and talk to her about this. Just sit down and talk about it.

HOWEVER, make sure your message is: I'm not always gonna be here for you. If you fuck with me - I'm ending this.

Of course, you don't use those exact words. You don't want this to sound like a threat.

But you need to make her FEEL that she will lose you if she keeps up this fucking behaviour. So sit down and talk to her about this calmly, but at the same time broadcast your message clearly.

zentrode that is good advice .... communication is the key of everything BUT do talk about it when you got your respect \ value back. ....of course you don't give a shit about those mistakes and stick to the most important thing : YOU

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Varo,
I'm gonna tell you my story, then I'm just gonna be completely blunt with you. My ex and I met and dated for 5 years. I am now studying to be a therapist, so I know a lot about bipolar and borderline things....all from firsthand experience. She was once diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder and was probably also red flagged as a potential (if not prominent case) of Borderline Personality Disorder. The entire relationship was filled with her getting her's and me being backed into the corner and being put into the belief that she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Any confrontation with a Borderline will always end with anger, since Borderline PD is a diagnosis that does not allow for the client to change their destructive views into one that is understandable with other people's. Anyone who questions or confronts them is detested while those who agree with them are deified. The last 3 years of my relationship with this woman were bad. I had suicidal ideations, and we pretty much coexisted with me staying submissive and silent most of the time. On my birthday, she flew out to go to San Diego with her friends, where she slept with some random guy (it sounded like she got picked up by a PUA) and then came back, dumped me, and told me it was all my fault and had me apologize to her. She left me and took over $2000 of my money with her. I was devastated and thought that I couldn't live without her, but soon after, I realized that I was much better off. I am now back on my feet, rational, and much better off without her. The truth of the matter is that her sleeping around and leaving me was the BEST THING that could have ever happened.

Now here's the truth.

Borderlines are an essentially broken group of people. No one will ever tell you this, but from my experiences and from my classes, off the record, everyone who has worked with this field will admit that there is almost damn near nothing you can do to fix them. So my question to you is "can you do this for the rest of your life?" Can you live with her under minding you, and being angry with you at every turn? Can you please her 24/7? If the answer is no, then I suggest you get out. I don't want to sound harsh, but that shit does not end will. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Zentrode is right with the respect that you need to tell her that if she's fucking with you, that you'll end things, but you also need to know that if you tell her that, you're gonna be made out to be the enemy in her twisted view of things. Borderlines can be extremely smart people, but they can twist your words into making you sound like the jerk. Just know that you need to be on guard for that. And you talked about how she's under a lot of stress lately, everyone's always under stress, if she can't manage stress very well, imagine what it will look like when she's working, married, have bills to pay, kids, PTA, kids soccer practice, and whatever the hell she wants to pile on top of that. this is just the tip of the iceberg. I shit you not.

true ... they think and plan stuff into detail , however people with borderline are easy to control and influenced .... BUT after you lost you respect/composture and they are on top of the relationship YOU will suffer.

look my ex treated me like shit ... she got pregnant.. lied to me and took a abortion in secrecy ... 2 weeks later she was messing around with other guys. people like this almost never tell the truth .. they lie about any small detail they feel ashamed about. borderline people are often people who are very manipulative it's hard to trust people like this.
it's hard to argue or win conversations because even when you are very right and kinda controlling the conversation she will feel bad .. blow to her self esteem.

you have different cases of borderline and bipolar disorders .. some are bad and some are less bad...... you don't have to dump people like this or avoid them.
you need to learn how to deal with it but i can tell you like asiancowboy already told - It's hard to keep giving attention in the proper way because they always need attention and always think they are the victim.

a friend of me has a severe case of borderline.... he learned to control it tho.

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OP- I was married to a borderline with generalize anxiety disorder and other crazy stuff...

Trust me- the only way to be in control or have respect if your girl suffers from these things is to NOT be in a relationship with her.

you cannot fix a person who has any disorder of this kind, or any other kind.

the only people who ever get better are the ones who determine on their own that they have something that needs fixing. Even a therapist can only help them figure out exactly what is wrong and give techniques for change, ultimately the individual heals themselves.

I think I've got the same problem as your GF.
The solution for me is that my GF has to give me loads of attention, sounds pretty dumb, but it's very simple.
First of all I feel special and wanted when im WITH my GF, but when we're apart I can be a bit needy. All you've got to do is to send her a couple of messages that you tell you how much you love her and be cute as well as you makes her want you. Be more unexpected as well - that's one thing I miss in my relationship. I want her to suprise me, its allways me that has to do it. Now it gets a pit off topic.. Sorry.

I think this disorder is a kind of jelousy, but not because you/my gf has done anything wrong, but because we think too much. We think about things that can happen when you're social and things we wouldn't like happening.

Anyhow, just give her some of the attention she wants, -not all.

Lodewijkp, the reality is that regardless of whether they are bad or less bad, it's still bad...very, very bad. We're talking about people who deify you when they're happy, and demonize you at the smallest sign of offense. That means you're on eggshells constantly, in order to please them. This is not how man is intended to live.