Oneitis, o boy where to begin? - INTRO

I know there are quite a few posts out there on the subject but please read this, I think it is a little different from others and really, really hope it can be helpful.

----This is very long (~3.5 ms word pages) I apologize but believe it is seriously worth your time if you are hooked on your oneitis---

If I were Billy Mayes I might start this post off by saying, “Are you one of the millions (ok maybe hundreds) of PUA’s who cant get that one girl off your mind. Are you hooked on her, convinced she is the one for you, you cant do better. Have you established some kind of friendship with her and perhaps entered the friend zone or do not want to risk friendship by making a move. Most of all, do you act differently around this girl i.e. cant be the charming, cocky/funny, sexual, funny, confident you? Is all this combined driving you crazy!? Well you my friends have a case of oneitis and from the sound of things if you answered yes to all the questions a rather serious one.”

Now unlike Billy Mayes, I do not have a set in stone, cheap solution to sell, however I do have a story, advice, and learning experiences for you that hopefully will be relatable. Instead of providing ways to get rid of your oneitis like most posts, I will try to explain with real experiences what is occurring and how hopefully you can make it work. I am not going to go into the theory and so called evolution of oneitis, that has been done many times before. If you would like to read about that first here are two of the most helpful links I have found (credit Qlass and Bormad):

a-guide-to-kicking-oneitis-vt33797.html
viewtopic.php?p=315583#315583

So if you did not read them or would like a summary here you go. The one describes how a person with oneitis thinks in a 2D way in that they are content with their lifestyle and content with obsessing over the same girl. So in order to move on you must go out and meet people with an open mindset and overtime your “girl” will no longer matter and you can find someone better. The other describes the stages of oneitis beginning with a lust stage (becoming dependant emotionally and socially on the HB), moving into an unrest stage (struggle to act/portray real emotions to HB) , and finally an affection/closing stage (you have gotten over the girl, learned from your mistakes).

The Basis of Oneitis - Paradigm

Ok great, but what about the happy ending you see in virtually every romantic comedy. I just watched “Just Friends” and it is a great example of oneitis. I do suggest you watch it, it is fairly funny at the very least. Although the main characters case may have started much earlier than yours, everything you see in the movie is probably relatable to your situation. This will be the base of my post as far as examples; Van Wilder (that’s just what I know him as) is a guy with good looks and good game… until his oneitis comes into play. I assume at least the good game describes you to some extent if you are part of this forum. Around his oneitis (Jamie) he acts anywhere from a jerk to a nerd, to a guy with ZERO game. If you have any kind of relationship with your oneitis I am almost certain you act (maybe not as dramatic as Hollywood portrays it) in a similar way. Rye Lee once told me, “it's impossible to act the same when you care about someone as when you couldn't give a shit”. This is very true, whether you realize it or not you do not and can not act the same and be you around this girl. I will get into advice about this in a moment, but the key is realizing the change in how you act. You later see throughout the movie the awkward moments he puts himself through because he cant be himself. It even becomes obvious she likes him, wants to fuck him and he STILL cant pull the trigger. This should hit home on some of you as it did for me too. During your interaction with the oneitis you may experience many IOI’s from her that you recognize but cant quite piece the puzzle together. As obvious as they might be and as much as she likes you, you always think in the back of your mind “what if she really doesn’t want me, what if I am over analyzing” or you just don’t have the balls because of the so called “risk”. This could be a whole new post but let me tell you, there is very very little risk with putting yourself out there and being real and straightforward with the girl. Once again, more on that in a sec. The classic scene in the movie is where they sleep together, she throws herself at Van Wilder but he still cant make a move; if for no other reason watch the scene to see this girl in a shirt and panties she is really hot. Finally, as every Hollywood movie, Van Wilder after some setbacks gets the girl. Back in Cali he begins to drive himself crazy and cant stop thinking about her which Im sure you can relate to to some extent. How does he get the girl?; by recognizing he has no choice but to throw himself out there, tell the truth to her, and only hope she “catches” him or whatever… there is a classic saying about this but cant think of it. Now I am not naïve enough to think life works like this, however it is the premise of oneitis and in the end we must be able to be ourselves around the girl and tell her how we really feel and what is going through our mind after hopefully building up enough attraction.

Different “Zones/Stages” of Oneitis

I assume many of you either do not have a solid enough relationship with your oneitis, are in the friend zone, or like Van Wilder and myself are in the kinda friend zone/not really but Im a pussy zone. Now I will tell you right now, there is no ideal zone or even scenario when you have your oneitis, but in my opinion it is best to be in the “kinda friend zone/not really but Im a pussy zone”; she at least is attracted to you. If you are in what I will call prefriend zone (do not have a solid enough relationship with the girl- maybe you talk on random occasion, you know her from a distance, etc) you have two choices. A. to work your way towards but hopefully not in the friend zone although that would be an improvement or B. throw as much game at her before you ever become “real friends” and hopefully you have caught this thing in an early enough stage where you can still act as yourself around this girl; after all in this stage you at least do not have the mindset “but were such good friends I don’t want to risk it”. Natural game may be a good approach (idk) although it may be hard to pull off for reasons I just explained. There is option C. as many posts suggest, get out NOW before it gets any worse. I would suggest options B or C but hey if your hooked your hooked and option A might be for you.

Next is the friend zone, if you are here you are wishing your in the “kinda friend zone/not really but Im a pussy zone”. At this point that is what you need to strive for and in particular, attraction. There are many posts out there that explain attraction although I do realize it is a whole new ballpark around your oneitis. Do what you can, take risks at times and strive to be yourself who hopefully is a confident, fun, sexual guy in that is what is attractive about you. Practice kino, talk sexual to her, be open minded. If you have the mindset this is going to be awkward then it is. Kino is something at this point that will not be easy. My only advice is to either practice on other girls so it becomes a natural part of you, or try “forcing” yourself to kino your oneitis without forcing the act of kino (aka make yourself do it when you know the timing is right, so don’t pussy out). Try it a few times, if it is way too uncomfortable go to the other option, practice on other girls. I have found after a few awkward moments it became more natural (although I am no dos equis most interesting man in the world). At this point, that is all you can really do.

Last Pointers/ Tips

So I have given within the story plenty of pointers to working your way to your oneitis. Unfortunately things do not always go to plan and they wont. Most likely your girl plays games with you, it is f’ed up I know. Often it will lead you puzzled, confused, and hurt. You need to ALWAYS remember this because most likely they are only playing games with you and in reality nothing has changed. I think you know what I mean if you need more clarification let me know. Don’t overanalyze EVERYTHING! I have done it so many times, your talking with her, even flurting with her and all of a sudden you say something stupid or she says something cold; don’t beat yourself for it and think past it. If that happened with anyone else in the world it wouldn’t phase you nor be a problem, everything would still be nomal, she is no different. I realize this and everything I have said thus far, although you know it is true, can be “hard to believe”. This is how I hope this post can help out the most, be a reference to the situation.

Finally how to get with your oneitis. I over the past year have been able to go on dates, be as flurty as possible, and even have my oneitis sleep over but still I have gotten no where for a variety of the same reasons you cant get with your oneitis and a handful of unique stupid ones. I have even gone as far as to talk to her about how we like each other and maybe we are right for each other “long term”, idk how/why but some things just do not work out. Each one of us over the past year has had a bf/gf at some point and hooked up with others as well. Still, I have not gotten over her. Almost everything I have said in this overly long post, I have lived through, that is why “Just Friends” is a great example. I was able to make progress with these approaches and minsets:

1. Act like you –Remember to be a confident person and PUA
“Doesn't matter how much we THINK we are acting the same, we do all sorts of little things that we aren't even aware of most of the time. The key is to figure these things out, realize that we just have to act the same because we are self assured and know we have the ability to get great women and then it will work. It's still not gonna be as easy as those chicks you don't care about, but it'll be a lot more worthwhile.” –Rye Lee

2. The I don’t give a fuck anymore approach.
Possibly risky, but it allows for 1 of 2 things to occur. She either wonders why you are not talking/flurting/obviously liking her anymore (obvious IOI this is good) or you start to realize you really don’t need her to be happy. With this stage you must cut down but not completely off communication with her and you MUST go out and meet new girls for many reasons I shouldn’t have to explain (DHV, jealously, self confidence…).

3. Be real and upfront with her.
This is the only way she will know your true intentions since you probably spend so much effort trying to hide them. Why? Don’t? That is probably how you got yourself in this position in the first place. You must be able to portray who you are and what you want. This can certainly be through actions rather than just words. Ways to go about this have been mentioned in the post.


Good luck all, it will not be easy. Any question please feel free to ask as no 2 situations are the same. I am at a point where I can pretty much get my oneitis (and have had plenty of opportunities), she knows my intentions, but its complicated. I by no means call it a success nor am I sure that she is what I really want but I have made large strides following what I posted above, hopefully you can too.

okay here we go...
i also have a severe case of oneitis haha (no crap or i wouldnt be replying to this)
anyways you got me spot on with the over analysing and getting all the necessary ioi's etc and still questioning wether or not she likes me (even though i know she does, its messed up you probly know what i mean).
well i know i have gamed her right and i know it is nearly time to close (probably needs a bit more comfort first) but for some reason even though i am 90% sure that she is keen and i know where i have to go from where i am, i just cannot get the balls to do it...
so i dont really need help with what to do, i need help with reassurance that it IS the right thing to do.

Good post, definitely. Living through that is the only way you can really get the experience/know how.

Actually, I've been wavering on posting my dilemma on this forum (I think I'll make a new topic) or not, but I think I might just PM you, is that cool? Maybe I could get your help with something, Chilllin?

This is why I posted this, in hope that people can relate and I am glad they can.

So for reassurance, from the sound of things you are nearly in the same position I was, I feel ya it is the wierdest thing. No doubt in my case was letting her know my position the right thing to do and was very effective, however I only opened to and was strait about everything after I started dating another girl lol. Sooo, we were open about liking each other, she wanted to be with me and I pretty much rejected her... talk about wierd. Since then I am single we have hooked up once, are about as open as you can be with each other, still after months and months like each other but the funniest thing is that we are each others oneitis haha.

For the short answer, if this was any other girl would you have made a move by now?, have you built up the attraction, been sexual enough with her to a point where things wouldnt be wierd? There is very little doubt in my mind that doing what you think you need to do is the right thing (aka make a move, tell her your stance) however I just want to make sure everything goes smoothly. If you are right about being 90% sure she likes you too, the worst that can happen is you put your cards on the table and she will undoubtedly respect you for it whether or not she shows it. Listen man, at this point SHE is what you want, not this stupid flurty little relationship that is going nowhere, I can imagine it is only driving you crazy. Build up enough attraction and confidence and get with this girl, in reality there is no reason not too (although I know in your head there is a million reasons why not haha). There is a variety of ways to do it, pick whichever situation would be most comfortable for you (idk dinner, going out somewhere, together in your room, after a few drinks, whatever).

From my experience, which let me set this strait is very much like yours it may not be everyones (were talkin "the friend zone/kinda not but Im a pussy zone"), there was no risk in telling her how I feel because she liked me as well and I was 90% sure of this going in.

Good luck! and dont think of all the bad things that can happen, think of the good and think of your inentions.

No doubt man PM me or post it right hear so people can see and have another reference (im not sure if your cool with that or not or how long the post is). I obviously cant guarentee I can help you but I will certainly try. Im no great PUA however I have a ton of experience dealing with oneitis and know quite a good deal of knowledge about it.

Ask away, hopefully myself and others can help.

If anyone would like a more in depth story of my experience and how I dealt with my oneitis and more or less won her over let me know I can post it, I have it pretty much written out already somewhere else. Alot of it is within this post already but hey the more references and stories, the more similarities you can draw and more confidence you can build. Let me know if anyone wants it/ thinks it would be helpful.

i would definately be keen to hear your story man. im sure alot of other pua's out there would be keen aswell because it sounds as though youve done very well with this situation (which is one that so many of us find confusing as shit). it would be good to have a success or close to success story i can draw from and find similarities/differences with.
btw i have decided that it is time for me to make a move or be doomed to the friend zone forever (im not sure if i can stay out as long as you have) so before the months end im going to attempt to close (maybe not even kiss close or f close but make my feelings clear at least).

I think you need to approach it as she is what you want and not this stupid friendship that is driving you crazy. You almost have to go into it with an I dont give a fuck approach otherwise your feeling may get the best of you. Confidence and comfort is key, remember do not force anything upon her, try to (although I know may be hard) be as natural as possible.

From what you posted before it sure seems like you will be ok and at the very least even if her answer is not exactly what you expect/want to hear, she is not going to completely reject you either which means she is at least considering being with you, has some feelings for you, or wouldnt mind the thought of it. She will certainly know what your intentions are and until she cuts it off (i.e. throws you in the friend zone) you have a very good chance.

ok chillin first of all just wondering if u hav posted ur report on ur oneitiis or not? and secondly was just wondering if i could hav ur opinion on this...
okso i managed to isolate my oneitis to the beach. we were there for about 3 hours (the weather was bad but she still wanted to go which im going to take as a BIG ioi) anyways i spent most of the time building comfort because that is what my interactions with her have lacked so far. a few hours after i got home i sent her a message. from there on we were txting/facebook/msn for hours (alot more than normal).
so the next move from here is to go for the kiss close... but i dont want to kiss close as tho she is a booty call or a random spur of the moment kiss. i want her to kno that i want to be with her and for her to feel the same. any ideas?

Hmmm..let me put my 2 cents in and give a different viewpoint. I usually have long posts but I will try and give a quick summary of my experience.

For years I was "just friends" w a chunky funny girl. I was her one-itis for a couple of years. Anyway I knew how she felt about me (she never told me of course but somethings ya just know) but I new I was not physically attracted to her at all. There were 101 times where I knew she wanted to kiss me or tell me how she felt but I always avoided it somehow. Anyway here's how she finally got me to make out w her one night!!

We were having a little party at my house. At the end of the night there were only a few people left. I was hungry and was looking in the fridge then outta the blue she came up behind me and gave me a long warm hug. Then she gave me two warm kisses on my neck. I guess with the buzz and the warmth of her body behind me there was nothing I could do!! Anyway we made out that night but the next day I put things back in their proper place. LJBF. But im writing this to say that she got me that night because of two reasons. 1st it was totally by surprise!! I would have been able to resist If I felt it coming. (Don't try and make it some special "I wanna marry you" kiss - just Kiss her unexpectely). 2nd she had not talked to me much that night so in the back of my mind I wondered if she was mad at me.

Anyway my word of advice from someone who had the shoe on the other foot: Don't make it too serious when you do "make your move". They will start building up their "just friend" defenses if they know its coming. Also- try approaching from behind to get started. This may sound a little weird but if they don't have to look at you on first contact it may give their body a chance to "warm up" before they realize it!!

Hope this helps!

PS That night didn't Damage our friendship or anything so don't worry that your gonna lose her forever!! Just make your Move!!
PSS She has lost weight and is fine as hell now (almost a decade later).... I got to watch her and my wife make out last summer!! Ahhhh...it makes me smile everytime I thk about it. Im married and have been working on a threesome for years now!! Wish me luck!

hahaha awesome! i wish you as much luck as possible haha. anyways yes this did help in thta i think i was going to put too much effort into creating a moment when logically i should just do it! (plus this way im not going to go crazy trying to think of some way of going about it haha)

chillin,

Very good post, can relate! Rep points from me!

chillin,

I reread the whole thread over again and realized that right now there's this one girl that I'm starting to have oneitis for. You can see my post here: failed-date-vt59874.html

I know how to handle oneitis, and I know that I will kiss her and make my intentions clear on next date if there will be one. For now I need a solution for how to handle the situation that she didn't reply/show up to date....Maybe, the solution is somehow related to oneitis.

Thank you.

Great post man!
I hate oneitis so bad.
But ive got to ask what you think of my situation at the moment. Seeing as you guys seem to be in a similar boat.
Right basically i been hanging out with my mates older sister shes a perfect 10 without a doubt, we've always gotten on really well and i started gaming her for a laugh really, if anything just to keep my skills sharp as i do with most girls. It really wasnt easy though she's got some serious game, as far as DHV's, false disqualifiers, shit test, negs! Plus i was getting so much shit over it from her ex's and that, and just guys in general who know her (generally army guys built like tanks who wanna fuck her in their late 20's, early 30's. Im at the tender age of 20 btw and shes 23.) but all that sorta stuff doesnt really bother me...

Anyway so we been hanging out watching films, cinema, drinks etc and all of a sudden i get really bad oneitis, like i completely fall for her... i havent had this since i discovered PUA so im not used to it, and naturally im assuming its all going completely wrong, because i care too much, im over analysing blah blah etc etc, you guys catch my drift, so i get a bit depressed about it all and decide to stay in last saturday night, got to about 9pm and some mates were getting drunk so i thought "she aint gonna stop me going out, lets get smashed!"
So i meet with my mates and we get drunk go out to some pubs and then i get 4 or 5 text messages off the "oneitis" saying "really wanna meet you", "im in so and so club" etc
so i meet her and i invite myself round for coffee and she giving me some compliments and IOI's and we go to her room start watching a film, i turn the convo a bit sexual and i show her how id seduce her if i wanted to and start kissing and all that stuff, anyway gets to about 4am she says i can stay the night so i her fuck, awesome i know! But..... and here's the but when this happened i thought thank god it's in the bag, finally a girl i consider to be girlfriend material likes me... no, turns out i still dont know where i stand, as once again i get the impression shes not interested, almost like she wants to be friends.... although i got that impression before and we fucked on sat night. so basically the point of this realllllllly long post, is what do you think? i know you guys dont know me and you dont know her, but from an unbiased perspective?? do you think this is working? do i even have oneitis at all? i mean we have fucked...so its not completely one sided

any help would be much appreciated

Thanks Guys

All I can add is DO NOT start acting differently to her now that you've F*ed. She's probably worried that you will wanna be her BF now that you've had sex w her.... Keep playing the game along with her... If she doesn't text as much one day then Fine, that doesn't bother you... If she doesn't wanna hang out with you this W/E then Fine, you got places to be anyway...
This is the most crucial time if you want her to be your GF. She can either cling to you or fly far away.... Don't start doing overly nice AFC shit now that your close. You Have the Upper Hand!! Now go get em Champ!!