My GF of 3 months still compares me to her ex; however, it's always in a good way i.e. "He sucks, you are better". Is it a good thing or a bad thing that it is still happening 3 months into the relationship?

She and the ex were best friends for 2 years then dated for 1 year.
At the beginning of our relationship she said she hated his guts, he's a douche ect..., and at first was like "I only want to be "friends" with him because of parties" (Same social circle, didn't want to fight ect...) Wanted to be friends to be friendly at parties basically. Then after a month or something she said she wanted to be actual friends with him and talk about their lives(they still dont hang out). Then later she said she misses his family because they are really cool, but she doesn't miss him. Then about 2 weeks later she says she misses him. "I miss him as a friend, but the friend he was a year and a half ago before he was a douche". Or something along those lines.

Anyways, I'm wonder what should I do in this situation? Do I do anything? I personally am not stressing about it, just wonder what is happening and if I should do anything.

Dude, you need to figure this shit out, lol. Before you know it shes gonna be like "So I fucked him last night, but only because I missed the way he fucked me 2 years ago when he was cool, he is still a douche now tho..."

Sorry to poke fun but you need to get a handle on this. Sounds to me like she still has some deep-rooted feelings for him. You need to lay it out on the table, fucking everything. This is your relationship bro, not some chick you are just banging.

It would be better to be broken up then to be in a superficial relationship. You need to make her understand you believe this, and that you will end it when and where appropriate. It wouldnt be fair to either one of you to continue playing games. And it will be a lot easier to do now, then later.

"Baby, tell me seriously.. a small part of you still likes him, right?"
"no way! douche douche!"
"But you think about him and bring him up, you know.."
"I know, we just have a lot of history, blah blah"
"Do you think it gives me confidence in our relationship when you talk about him constantly?"
"No, I see your point, blah"

You gotta dig dude, dont be naive to questionable answers either. Also, I know it sounds tough, but if you think she isn't over him, you need to get out. Seriously, its for your own good. Be serious but understanding of whatever her feelings may be when you bring it up. Remember, you guys are suppose to be close close, if not best friends! Be cool and calm about everything. You can explain how it hurts you to ask and to possibly break up, but it needs to be addressed.

"We may need a break babe. I can tell you still have some things going on."

This puts her at a serious cross roads to get over his ass or lose you. If you make her understand she has something more important at risk, it should dissolve her feelings for him completely. Not only that, but she will know you dont play games, you are committed to having a real relationship, and you aren't someone to be walked on, all really attractive traits.

Hope it all works out for ya!

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Swoop

I had a similar issue years ago. It definitely needs to be addressed.

I told her 'it seems you are still hooked on this guy. Every time you open your mouth, his name comes barreling out. If he is the one you want to be with, just say it so I can step aside.' His name never game up again and she went out of her way to show her feelings for me.

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Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

Thanks for the responses. I brought up both topics before, but never dug deep, so I guess I was being beta in those situations. I'm going to sit down and talk with her and dig either tonite or tomorrow morning. Thanks again.

One of the things I believe everyone is missing here is that this guy WAS her best friend. It is perfectly natural to miss a close friendship when you don't have it. In the event of her only missing the friendship, you should support her in trying to be friends with him.

If you don't support this action, then you are communicating that you don't trust her; because you don't trust what would happen if this guy was part of her life again. The fact of the matter is, if shes going to cheat shes going to cheat and trying to prevent it will just push her away.

The other guys are correct in that you need to talk to her about whats going on. Communication is key. However, what ever comes from the conversation it is your duty as her boy friend to support her decision.

This is a really good point. Like it or not he was a big part of her life. She should however recognize that you and her are starting a new chapter, and be cognizant to the fact that her dwelling on it is kind of lame.

She just needs to know where SHE stands on this issue. You can be the one to help her figure it out.

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Swoop

Well, we had the talk. It took me 45 minutes of digging to get her to say that she still cared for him and misses him. Even after that she still denied liking him. Seeing how she would never admit I decided to dig to why she still cares about him and why she misses him. 45 minutes later... Basically, he was her first love and she feels like she will always care for him because they were best friends and it was her first love; however, she only cares for him as a friend. And she misses "the old him" basically, when they were best friends he was a good Christian kid, then after they started going out, about 3 months into the relationship, he changed into a bad Christian. Weed almost everyday, drinking ect.... After they broke up, which was a nasty one, she hated him. After she stopped hating him, she missed their friendship they once had. So she decided to try and be friends with him thinking he needed a real friend(she said his current friends aren't real friends). Basically she thought she could help him change back. I then told her he doesn't care about her anymore and his current friends are a bigger influence then you will ever be, you can not change his life, you need to let him live his life. You need to let him and it go that the friendship you had can never go back. I will only support you if you realize this. She sat in silence for awhile and agreed. She said she would let those feelings go. She then said she still wanted to be friends with him mainly for closure(in different words though), and I said I supported her at that point.


On a side note, she said that missing someone and caring for them does not mean that a part of them still likes them. I was honestly amazed when she said this... how is that even possible?

Coming in abit late here, but I didnt see the point in talking to her about it. She hadnt done anything wrong, you said originally your not worried about it AND she was still telling you what was going on.

Do you really think now that you talked to her about it, she is going to stop caring about him? No. You cant change how a person feels man, if your upset with whats going on you have to walk away and then maybe she will get her shit sorted.

You said it yourself..
From here Id just expect her to stop telling you whats going on.

It was her best friend? How is it not possible?

blah, why would you walk away from someone you cared about without talking to them about it first? He did what any concerned or annoyed right-minded bf would do; communicate.

I don't think his goal was to get her to stop caring about him, just to figure out how and where she REALLY stood with the dude.

Lastwolf, I think its possible for peoples emotions to change with time. I have a buddy who hates his dad, but he still loves and cares about him; sounds like you did a fine job. Do you think she was being completely honest with you???

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Swoop

 

I agree communication is important, but so is trust. Did anything actually positive come from talking to her about it? He already knew everything she told him and was summarized in the first post.

His goal wasnt to get her to stop caring about him??
Lastwolf, I still stand by you cant tell someone to change their emotions, it takes time. Think of someone you care about, would that feeling change if someone simply told you to stop?

So either accept she still cares for him at this moment in her life or walk away.

You're right. My goal wasn't to get her to stop caring about him, it was to find out if her caring about him was because a part of her still liked him, and no it wasn't. It was more about she cared for him as a friend. Yes, I do believe she was completely honestly with me. I didn't know everything. I wanted to know why she was feeling the feelings she had towards him, I had no idea if she still liked him or if it was something different and it was. Not really. At first I thought she cared about him because a part of her still liked her, but after communicating, I realized it wasn't the case. I wasn't tell her to changed her emotions. I told her that she needed to let go of trying to change her ex into the old friend he was because it probably wont happen, mainly because she isn't a big influence on his life and even if she did things wouldn't be the same. And she agreed.
I already accepted the fact that she still cares for him at this moment as a friend.