Me and my girlfriend broke up saturday and we both got really depressed and missed each other. We got back together this morning, but she wasn't 100% confident she wanted to be in a relationship. We had been dating about 7 months when all this happened. She wants to "date" as she said instead of being a serious relationship, I agreed to this al though my understanding was a bit fuzzy. How do I take back control of this relationship, I think I need to start flirting and negging again and be better about calibration. But also how can I work this so she is 100% confident she wants to be in a relationship. It's been so long since I have actively sarged I'm not really sure where to start with this. I guess if we are "dating" now I could make it so she has to earn back sex and sleeping over (it will be hard to be disciplined about that). Any advice on getting this girl back on board?

hey mate i think i can help you with your situation.

Ok so firstly you need to understand why she broke up with you. Tell me if im wrong but has the dynamics changed from when you started the relationship. Ie. is she now in control? Does she now care less about the relationship then you? Do you feel like you have to win her back?

What has happened is that she is no longer attracted to you. Girls dont even understand why this happens and thats why they cant normally give you a logical reaon for the breakup, as David D says "attraction isnt a choice". Basically the attractive qualities you displayed when you started dating (Leader, approval giving, self assured etc) have been replaced or overshadowed by unattractive qualities (clingy, approval seeking, whatever). You now place more value on her, then you do yourself....

So you got back together because you missed each other.... Unfortulently I dont think it will be long before she breaks up with you again, especially since you say she was unsure about getting back together.

In my opinion you have two choices.

1. Try and work on getting these attractive qualities back and changing her perception of you, although this rarely works (infact ive never heard of it being a permanent fix). The reason being, she has already made up her mind and it is going to be an uphill battle to change this. Also because you are no longer in control of the relationship you are going to feel like your losing her and as a result, in desperation display these unattractive qualities even more.

2. Your not going to like the sound of this one... BUT it is the only way to ACTUALLY get her back and you in control....

Tell her something like "You know your probably right, maybe im not the right guy for you. I think your a great girl and i obviously like you, but you have to do what your heart tells you. No hard feelings" (Quoted from the Ex2 system ebook)

Its important to not break up with her, instead make it her decision. This way you are leaving the relationship with some dignity instead of looking desperate.

Dont intiate contact and work on getting these attractive qualities back. If she calls you act happy etc. Dont talk about the relationship. She will begin to remember only the good things and because you seem fine with her decision she will begin to think "he seems fine without me" and therefore begin to value you again.

If she wants to meet up, say your busy this week how about next. I would say wait 4 weeks before you meet with her again, but i can already tell you wont (desperate). If you meet up to soon, the old you will reappear and trust me girls can tell (body language etc). So if you really want this to work hold out as long as you can.

Dont act bitter etc... be happy, make her think you are fine being on your own.

Dont bring up the relationship. Let her talk about it and just listen and agree.

When you meet up, bring the new you with the attractive qualities you have developed during the time apart. Actually work on developing these dont just pretend...

You guys already have the comfort so rebuild the attraction from here. Be the guy you were when she was attracted to you the first time, make her chase you, you be in control.

This approach she wont remember the old you, will have value for you again and therefore wont resist the attraction, unlike in the first option.

hmmm I understand what your saying blah, but it think restoring the attractive qualities will be enough, I have pretty much won her back. I called her last night when I got off work to see if she wanted to do something, but she was exhausted from her days work. we said the good night I love you deal, and ten minutes later she called me back because she wanted to hear my voice again and tell me that she loved me. We made flimsy arrangements to do something this afternoon, but i'm beginning to think I should tell her I'm busy because that would give me back some power in the relationship. However this will be hard because we really want to see eachother.

I should tell her I'm busy because that would give me back some power in the relationship.

Perfect! Now you are thinking...

However this will be hard because we really want to see eachother.

Anticipation is a 'powerful' aphrodisiac, use it to your advantage.

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Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

Make sure you do work on the attraction and dont fall back into old patterns. Good luck and let us know what happens.