havent been on this site since i started dating my girl, but things might be coming to an end and i need help. long story short, both our first serious relationship, both our first time having sex, first love to one another and all that. i leave for a 3 1/2 month vacation and we decide to stick it out and stay together. she was always a lot more into me than i was of her but ever since i got back im so in love and now we're off beat with all of it.

so i get home last week and we havent seen much of eachother cause our scheduals dont really match, and suddenly she drops the bomb that shes confused and wants to go on a break to get her head straight and figure out what she wants. however she still wants to hang out and all that and be friends, so by break she means just hanging with me as a friend.

that shit isnt gonna fly to well with me. ive got enough friends, and i dont know if i can be friends with her after all this cause i still love her. so we're hanging out tommorrow, and despite our little conflict today i was still getting positive signs i guess (some kino, she kissed me a couple times, she cried, etc.). so for tomorrow, i need to get an idea of what i need to do to make the right decision (stay with me obviously).

i know you cant force a person to like you, but i figure if at one point she was talking about being with me for life and all that, im thinking i can revive it. so any ideas on what to do? just hit the reset button on game mode, and start over with kino and cocky funny for tommorrow? any advice is much appreciated. cheers guys

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

I THINK U SHOULD START OFF BRAND NEW LIKE WITH ANOTHER HB BUT IF SHE REALLY MEANS THAT MUCH Y DNT U MAKE HER JEALOUS BY GAMING SOME1 ELSE(IN FRONT OF HER) UR JUS DOING THIS TO MAKE HER REALIZE THAT SHE STILL LIKES U AND DOESNT WANT ANYBODY TO BE WITH U UNLESS ITS HER I THINK THATS ALL MAN I HOPED THIS HELPS TALK TO U SOON

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great to meet you im ISAIAH

You've got to make it clear that either she is your girlfriend, or nothing. Point out to her that guys don't operate in the same way, we can't just become friends with girls overnight. I'm guessing that you still want her to be your girlfriend?

I'll tell you what worked for me in a similar situtation:

My HB9 gf (call her HBGF) said 'I don't think that it's working at the moment.' meaning she was breaking up. 'But we're such a good pair, can we still be friends?'
I told her that no we couldn't, or at least not for a significant while.
Anyway, I got over her (that's the most important thing - you can't pretend to get over her. You actually have to do it) and started seeing this other HB9.
So I see her a few times, it's all going well, then I see HBGF a few times purely by chance. Was giving her a lift back after a gig that I was doing that she was in too, and told her about the new HB9, just being chilled out and clear that I had pretty much moved on (though I did put a little push-pull and kino into the conversation so she didn't think that I was completely uninterested).
Guess what? A text the next day saying she wanted me back.

You have to just not be friends. If she really likes/loves you, then she will come back once you show her that you can survive quite happily without her.

ive layed it down clear that i dont wanna be friends if the relationship goes sour. but shes all hooked on it cause apparantly all of her ex's are still really good friends with her. but whats the point? im just gonna want more anyways.

anywho im getting really mixed signals from her these days. she told me she still wants to be friends, but would be jealous if i met someone cause she still really cares for me, and that the only thing that is wrong is that it feels like there something missing. anywho, she wants me to go to her grad (im a year older for the record) and i dont really wanna go if its gonna be just as friends, and i let her know.

but then she whips out this whole, 'boyfriend or not, youve already been such a big part of my life, and ill always love you, just might not be in the same way depending on how we end up', and that when i said i might not wanna go she flips and starts crying about 'how now she totally sees another side of me, and isnt good to know' and said something that meant id be fucking my chances of staying together if thats what i really wanted.

theres no doubt in my mind that shes probably bluffing and trying to win me over by putting a catch to make me wanna be friends to seal her deal. but im still in a clusterfuck. do i ignore her? do i talk to her at all? i was thinking about doing something sweet for her, but were both so busy that its hard to work around it all. any more tips?

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Wow, what a guilt trip... "chances of staying together"?

Anyway, humour her. Be a man - hang out with her as a friend, don't beg her for something more. Show her you are not needy and dependant.

Personally in this situation I wouldn't try to "win her over" by doing something sweet. Things have gone stale it seems, and that might come across AFC. I would say best thing you can do is be alpha and she might become more attracted to you again.

so i just went over to her place to talk. we sat there, and she said for now she just wants to be friends and doesnt know when she'll make up her final decision. and says she just wants for both of us to be happy (shes a genuinly good girl and i still love her regardless of all this), but the alarm in my head sounds off and i say-

'i love you, but im not happy being friends. its either we date or nothing'
she starts balling her eyes out and after some more subtle conversation i end up leaving pretty soon afterwards.

so thats been set in stone. i guess right now i just play the waiting game then yeah? i full out ignore her to the max now, and not saying that this is the definate outcome, but she realizes theres a giant piece missing from her life suddenly and comes to her senses?

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

This might have something to do with it. Wether she loves you or not,,, it can be spooky for anyone to start making plans real long term with your first. Maybe think of it from her angle. It's a very common thing.

I think that was a pretty cool play you did on her with the freeze-out. I honestly might have done the same. But from what you wrote, I don't know if it worked. You can certainly ignore her to the max,,, that might work. But honestly,,, in the long term, it might leave a real bad taste in her mouth.

But there is another route to consider. I think it's better. Just talk to her and tell her that you understand and support her. Heck, tell her you'd like some time on your own too. Don't mention other women. It lowers your value, she will know that without you mentioning it.

I like this play because it shows real confidence and value and it clearly leaves that door open for you in the future. Plus, if you can get over your AFC and oneitis, maybe some low-key dating for fun.,,, you'll have her drooling to come back.

So next time you see her, look at her as a friend. Tell her her hair looks like a mop and get a good laugh out of her.

CHeers brotha.

One possible way your actions could be seen is that she's like "Can you do this for me" and your'e like "No, I'm too weak to handle it - that's it, I'm chucking a tantrum and going to hurt you by not hanging around. Take that!"

Doing something out of spite is a sign of weakness IMO. Not saying it definetly looks that way but it's a possibilty that entered my head.

I imagine the best way this could go is if you were all like "Yeah, cool let's be friends." and you were hanging out with her, and you were playing it really cool - not being AFC, not trying for kino, just chilling, and still having fun with the other people aruond you (male and female, not openly hitting on anyone, even turning them down) and then maybe after a few times she starts to miss the affection and starts trying to chase it from you. That's gotta be alpha...

i know she's really upset now, shes been tryna talk to me but i keep it short and subtle most of the time. yeah, it kinda boggles me how deeply in love with me she was, it was always a lot more than i was with her, but now things just get flipped around. ive got a pretty foot planted with most of her best friends as well and a lot of them are like 'what the fuck are you doing? hes your first boyfriend there wasnt anything wrong with?' so at least ive got some people on my side in this and some more sources for input.

im just gonna let the whole freeze out marinate for a few days, maybe let it go over the weekend and a few more days after and then check in. i know this isnt the end of us despite what the outcome is in end. so ill just wait and see what happens and maybe see if she wants to hang out and play it just as friends for the time being

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

UPDATE-

so like everyone else, emotions always get in the way and cause me to make irrational decisions. however, i remembered why i made the total cut off-

if i end up staying friends with her, she'll have got what she wanted (this isnt an ego thing), and ill still be unhappy. she'll have me around for kicks and laughs, and at this point its all she wants. compared to me, who wants her around for that as well, but also for the love, and sexual aspect of the relationship, which at this time i wont be getting.

its unfortunate that it has to play out like that i guess, but im not gonna sit on the side lines and be her friend while i hear that shes out having a fling with some random in the future. its not a method of punishment by preventing her from having the best of both worlds, i do want her to be happy. but im not gonna do something that throws me down even further for her

i know that sounds rather selfish but we do live in a rather selfish world, and right now im just trying to make myself happy. ive had to make plenty of significant sacrifices for her in the past, some of which have now never payed off. and i just wanna cut it off for however long, for both of us just to get our heads on straight (this whole fiasco really confused the fuck out of me). just another lesson ill have to learn for myself now i think

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Hey bro, I went through the same situation about a year ago. (We were each others firsts, She initiated the break up etc..). I went totally AFC at the begining and was crushed. But honestly you just have to get her out of your system for awile. (ie: no contact, unless extremely brief).
After I got over her, month or so. I had a couple of rebounds got my confidence back and went pure PUA. We ran into each other a couple times at the club and I ended up taking her home each time. (She wasent used to seeing me with girls around me, and it drove her nuts) So just play it cool.

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Im not conceided im confident, conceided people have faults, I don't

onemosphere, any person with a decent amount of self-respect should try to avoid the situation you described, and personally I think you're displaying the "right amount" of selfishness.

If she were in the same situation, we should expect no less of her.

Not selfish at all; simply preventing yourself from being in a negative situation that is positive for her. When it comes down to needs (which, your need would be to maintain a strong frame and happy life) choosing not to put someone else's first is completely fine. If being friends would make you miserable, then she should honestly understand that.

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[color=red:7c51ae7520]email is a better option: thelockestar@gmail.com[/color:7c51ae7520][/size:7c51ae7520]

yeah i laid down the law and now she finally got her head around what ive been trying to say. fucking trying to guilt trip me, she actually got me questionning myself a bit there if i was doing something wrong. shes pretty much just shot the idea of us getting back together, but even if we did, at this point itd seem to fucked to even bring it back to normal again. this isnt as bad as i thought it would be so im doing just fine. maybe one day we will be friends, but nows not the time. let the hunt begin.

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

'atta boy! I just read the whole thread and I know where you're coming from.

You seem just fine without her so my input here is unnecessary.

When one relationship door closes, an infinitismal amount of hookup doors open.

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Life is win punctuated by fail