Ok so you get too comfortable in a relationship and have gone back to your old AFC ways (its easier then you think)... My question is what can we do to turn this around and take control again.

Well the easiest answer, assuming that you haven't ruined things already, is to think about the guy your where when you first started dating. Go back to being that guy.

Creates some distance. Create some need- on her part. Get the attraction thing ramped up. Don't always be available. Get control of the relationship.

Thanks for the reply nightrider. You are right, I found the general consensus is to create distance resulting in need on her part. Change your approach to the relationship and then rebuild the attraction.

Recently my gf out of the blue said "i need a break to think about this and that... etc". I was in shock! That night I was lying there thinking 'ok what is going on', and all of a sudden i had an epiphany.... I remembered back to when we first started dating and realised how much I had changed. I used to live my life and she was just along for the ride.... however, slowly over time over time she had BECOME MY LIFE!! and I had become some dependent, needy person.

Personally I think this is quite common in many relationships; where the guy becomes too comfortable, and goes back to his old AFC ways.


Here is what I did.

-I told her I'm happy taking a break, however im not just gonna sit around waiting for her to come back. I thought as soon as I beg, etc. I'm just going to look pathetic; so I gave her what she wanted.

-Made myself busy and filled the time I would normally spend with her with a new interest. In fact I came back to this site after 1+ years and started getting back into the study of social interactions.

-Didn't contact her, however answered the phone when she rang. She wanted to meet up but I said 'You want space and I'm going to give you that'

-After a few days I called her and asked how she was going. I TOLD her “I'm busy tomorrow, but lets go out for coffee the following night”. Note: Firstly I called her because I didn't want her thinking I was angry with her or anything like that, and secondly I said lets meet up because I knew that I had already taken control again (ie. she sent me a 'I love you' txt which I didn't reply, her wanting to meet up but me saying 'no', and her tone on the phone was submissive)

-Before meeting I worked on building a really strong frame. We met up, and firstly I got her to tell me how she felt; she wanted to still be together. I then told her that I wanted to live my life and do what I want, and if she wants to be part of it then she can, and that she should do what she wants to do.

I honestly love her and decided to get back together.........BUT I personally think I made the meet up date to soon. This is because the next day I felt her pulling away again..Maybe not enough time apart?? Anyway I rebuilt attraction quickly enough to overcome it.

I believe that the time apart was good; it allowed me to reflect, and realise that I needed to change my approach to the relationship and also continue to grow as a person. I'm now in a much happier / healthier relationship because of it.

Forgot to add... this all happened over about a week; during this time I couldn't really analyse my approach to the situation. Looking back there are several things I would do differently. So I plan on creating a framework approach for guys facing this common relationship problem (maybe a day to day plan? Not sure yet).

Any ideas, similar experiences, concepts, do's and dont's etc would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers

I think the problem with relationships is once they go sour they are hard to turn back.

I was in a 3 year relationship where after maybe a year neither of us were happy, we tried everything from talking to breaks to self help, but in the end, it just wasnt meant to be.

I think if I found the one then I wouldnt question a thing because for her to be the one all my questions would be answered before I even asked them. If I find a girl worthy enough of holding me down then that woman will be the luckiest girl alive.

I got so much for the right one, Im just very very very picky now, I am not gunna waste me life in meaningless relationships just to fill the time between sex...

I completely agree with this
What im saying is that overtime in a relationship, the guy loses this frame of mind; and instead thinks
I don't think this has anything to do with having a dysfunctional relationship.... BUT this new mindset changes the way we act, and we become needy/dependent on the girl. If she notices this, then her interest in you will begin to diminish.

Sure you could say, “just don't let your original frame of mind change”... but honestly it happens so slowly overtime, and you usually only realise what has happened, when its too late.....

When this happens you have to reflect, realise and react to improve your mindset; regardless if you want to get back together with the same girl. Once you have this sorted, then if you do want to have another chance at the relationship, then I think there should be a general effective approach to achieve that.

In saying that, i do believe that if a relationship is "sour" then it is defiantly better to end it.