hi!

I read through the whole forum, got some advice, but I would like to hear out your opinions about the situation and some guidance.

the thing is, I was single for more than 3 years, I'm 24 right now. The girl i hooked up with is 22. We've met at the uni, studied at the same uni for 2 years (but different courses etc [we didn;t have classes or anything 2gether])

The thing is I played life of single life and so did she (nevertheless she had boyfriend back in her home town- with whom she broke 2 months ago, basicly I've pulled her from the relationship). Because she didn't care about the guy she used to cheat on him with 2 guys at the uni- she confesed to me that she cheated on him) When we started going out she was (still feels) insecure [she asked me few times if i would cheat on her... I responded obiously never.

My game/plan to get rid of fear of single lifestyle was to say to her (couple of times in good setting) that I finished with single life and now she's the one whose important to me. She says she looks for long time relationships (so do I) so it seems alright.

So... The thing is she says sometimes she's not for me -that I won;t like real her -my response: that's why I want to discover you bit by bit. (We both have some opinions about each other- you all know how uni life looks like...) How can I convince her that I'm interested only in her... (obviously I want to make her look only at me) I tried onion technique and works perfectly when mood is set. she opens up, I open up, when she stops i stop.

what i did is set my mind every day on thinking that I'm deeply in love in her, care about her etc. That way she knows what my feeling are (but still I keep balance between big love and normal relationship)
is it good aproach?

last thing, about the whole jealousy thing. I think I've managed to balance this thing... I'm not jealous all the time, but from time to time I ask about the guys she meets for projects, guys who txt her etc. question is how to maintain balance at this point? be more or less jealous ? or should I focus on guys who are attractive or guys who i know she'd never think about fuckkin?

I think that's it, sorry for incoherence in my post, but I wasn't too sure what to ask you guys for.

P.S.
I feel that she well into me, but afraid to show it during the day. I'm not pushing her, [situation: when shopping I take her by hand, when she doesn;t want to hold hand I just carry on like nothing happened, try again just by touching her finger and then she follows. - is it right approach?

thanks
J

jack,

im not 100% sure of your exact questions, u need to distill things a bit.

Anyway, my tip is to ask her out on dates, take it slow, give her the right amount of space. See how she behaves in general...if she likes you she will want to hang out. If her answers are wishy washy then its just her saying 'no' but trying not to hurt ya.

g'luck

Can you clarify what your asking.
Some rule of thumb:
Make it feel special.
Always tell her that everyone moment is an adventure (it should be)

I've dated insecure girls before. I think you have two best plays in your playbook. They feel slightly contradictory, but resolving that paradox is part of your job.

1) Do not cater to her insecurity. If she asks you once a week whether you're cheating on her, are going to cheat on her, would rather be with other woment, etc., she's just begging you to validate her. You don't have to be hard on her, but occasionally, telling her that it hurts your feelings that she doubts you so much may be in order. Is it possible that this will cause problems or even end the relationship? Yes. It absolutely could. The problem with an insecure girl, though, is that she's not being honest with you. She's not even being honest with herself. The last insecure girl I dated made it so far as to accept a marriage proposal from me before she realized, "Oh, wait. I'm not actually all that attracted to or interested in this guy."

2) Build her up. Don't just help her to feel good about herself for a little while but sincerely help her to become more confident, trusting, and self-aware. This is going to be hard work and in the end, the confident woman you've helped to create might realize that you were validation, not true love. It's worth the risk for two reasons. One, if it IS true love, then you'll have earned a wonderful partner. Two, you will ultimately find the affection of an insecure woman to be both stifling and unsatisfying.

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Some vices miss what is right because they are deficient, others because they are excessive, in feelings or in actions, while virtue finds and chooses the mean.
Aristotle, Ethica Nichomachea

I would say perhaps you may want to question how sincere this insecurity of hers is with you. It may be some sort of reverse shit test at best, or passive aggresive behavior at worst. Notice how you alter your bahavior to try and placate her? Seems like a sneaky control move to me.

On my end, I have a list of things that I disqualify women for. Cheating is an automatic out. A cheater is just a person who has way more selfishness than respect for other people. It's so simple to me. If you're not happy in a relationship, make an announcement and move on.

Also consider,,, if she's truly an insecure person, even more likely to cheat.

As for jealousy. Are you normally a jealous person or just with this one lady? If it's this one lady your brain might be trying to tell you something...

Just a couple ideas to kick around.

Either way,,, good luck with all of that!

In my opinion you won't convince her you're only interested in her. The problem isn't you, it's in her head. Most people tend to see others as reflections of themselves - in other words, in her mind she's cheated in the past on someone she didn't care too much about, therefore by some process of twisted logic she assumes everyone is capable of the same shabby behaviour (or more importantly, will act it out). She's projecting her insecurity and guilt over past experiences on to you, which isn't healthy. You don't want to wind up being her therapist.


Two suggestions:

1. Find someone more stable, and less selfish.

2. Stick with it, and do your best to assuage any fears she might have whenever they crop up. From past experience I know this can be exhausting after a while; that kind of emotional weakness can lead you to feel contempt for her in the long run.


The savage irony of it is, people like this tend to push their partners away, thereby reinforcing their belief that no one can be trusted. But hey, you might be the guy to pull her out of it, who knows, It's a judgement call only you can make. Good luck.

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"Regretting the past, looking forward to the future, while never being satisfied with the present, this is how my life is spent." - Tchaikovsky

Wow, I'm really impressed with the quality of advice that is beginning to show through in the section.

Everyone has wonderful points....and referencing the onion theory makes me smile...knowing people actually use it!

the first thing that caught my attention was her blatant admission to cheating. What does that say about her? Dishonest, uncertain, can't make decisions, sneaky, untrustworthy. Not very good traits...but then again, the situation might excuse that; not an end all. (nightrider)

Her insecurity of you cheating is obviously because of her own behavior; we expect people to do similar things we do. (mailer)

And ZeGlass, your response was delightful too. If she is not someone special in your life and your not certain about things--why cater? If she is special to you, cater and build up.

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