Quote:
Hello everybody, my first day here.
Here is the situation and a little information about the girl. These things tend to get wordy to provide all the relevant information, so the Too Long To Read summary is provided at the very end for those who are lacking patience.
Girl
She is an HB8 with a very traditional set of values (marriage, kids, etc), 23 yrs old. Well traveled, well educated, rich family, chauvinistic attitudes towards women (in other words, she dislikes how flaky, emotional, etc women are, but realizes that she is also all those things).
Situation
We have been in a relationship for 3.5 years, out of which 2 years were close contact, and one and a half were long distance. Prior to that, we were friends for about 9 months. When we first started dating after being friends for 9 months, it was supposed to be a FWB arrangement (she got out of a bad relationship), but after a few months of having sex, she could not resist wanting to go exclusive, and we did. For the next 2 years it was a very stable relationship, but she kept asking me if I was interested in a marriage and kids and so on. We argued about this a lot, because I really wasn't, at least not "soon". I kept telling her its possible in the long run.
Problem was that I wasn't all that crazy about her, but I did like her very much as a friend. (I should not have let things escalate from a friend status, but I was afraid to lose her as a friend). So I was somewhat cool, non-committal and that was fine for a time. Until I had to move away for grad school.
First year that I was away, she messaged me and texted me a lot, tried to reach me all the time and I was less than enthusiastic sometimes. I was thinking about breaking up at that point and I hinted at this numerous times by suggesting that she treats our relationship as completely open and sleeps with whom she pleases. She refused, citing her family values.
During that year I saw her a total of 3 times, and the last time I felt like the vibe was disappearing.
Anyway, come 2008, we spent the summer living together in a small apartment and both of us enjoyed it, but at the end of it, she dropped the bomb: she wanted out, because she wanted to find a man who can give her a stable relationship and she didn't want to risk sticking with me on an off-chance I might dump her and leave her w/o a husband or kids at the time when she is too old to attract quality guys.
In August of '08 I refused to let the relationship end (I should've in retrospect) and I told her that we can stick it out and promised her I would make an effort to stay in touch more.
In October I saw her again for a week and although we had sex and we hung out almost 24/7, something was tangibly off - her usual tenderness was gone, cheekiness wasn't there and she refused to see me off to the airport.
Come late November, she calls me up for a "chat" and tells me that she has to end it because she can no longer stand the distance. Assures me that she still loves me, and that if at any point in the future we meet again in the same city, she will be happy to see if we can reunite then.
When I asked her what exactly went sour, the answer was predictable: she said that she felt a lack of interest on my part and that she could no longer justify staying apart for another 1.5 years for me, when she felt no attraction anymore.
Botched solution
When she called it off, I was shocked. I thought I would enjoy it, but I realized after all this time, that I did love her and that I wanted her back. You don't know you have a good thing until you lose it, right?
Anyway, I made the dumbest mistake ever, and I called her and I said that I've been thinking real hard about things after we had a discussion in August and that I am interested in having kids AND getting married. She wasn't convinced though. "You're a playboy, you dont want commitment, don't deceive yourself" - was what she told me.
So, I tried to convince her to come to my city for half a year to live w/ me and to reignite the spark that I was sure was there. She refused (no jobs for non-students in my city).
I then made the next dumb mistake (probably the biggest) and I told her I had an engagement ring set for her, to give to her during the New Years to cement my commitment. Predictably, that sent her into uncontrollable sobs, and while it gave me some grim pleasure, I also realized I had probably driven her away big time.
Anyway, towards the evening I called her again, she said she cried for half a day, then calmed down. She was actually almost cheerful. So I told her that I was sorry and that she was the wiser one of the two breaking it off. I told her that I was happy with the decision and although I am a little sad this is how it turned out, I respect it and I wish her a good life.
I also canceled our trip to New York for new years.
Conclusion
Now, I am not sure where we stand. She said over webcam that the chances of us getting back together are very low. She said she does not want to give me false hopes. Nonetheless, we talked two or three times since and we have had a good time. I started working out after our relationship problems started in the earnest and I had a few compliments. To me this means I had been downgraded into LJBF status (Am i right, Pros?).
Question
How do I convince her to come over to my college city and spend time with me here? I am more or less confident that if we had lived together, our "spark" would return, but how the hell can I convince her to do it if we are missing the spark in the first place.
I will see her for 3 days before New Years and for ~9 days after, with a 2 week break in between.
What now? Should I freeze-out all our communication till then?
TLDR
A chick I've been dating for 3.5 years is leaving because I didn't let the relationship progress and instead held it at the same level. We're in a LDR right now and I have very limited time to see her. She claims she loves me, but can't see us together because of different life goals (she wants kids, marriage) and I don't. Question: how do I convince her that I do, and that I want her to be at my side. (I actually do). Read sections conclusion and question above.
first it started out Friends with Benefits
Then she started liking you, and you did it "just because"
then she started realizing you were "just because" and wanted to work on that.
the more she pressured, the farther you pushed away
she realized you were pushing away; knew things were not healthy like a relationship. stopped pressuring.
she realized that you were stealing all of her youthful years, so she started pulling away
you saw she was pulling away - no longer chasing you. You wanted that back
The tables turned, you wanted to maintain grasp of the familiar and comfortable - you pressured her.
She pulled all the way back to friends with benefits. You didn't realize this
You wanted more
She wanted less
CRASH!
Classic you don't want what you have, and can't have what you want.
It was an experience, but it is time to move on. Because of her values and her emotional investment, she gave you 3.5 years of her life. But because of your values and lack of emotional investment, you basically took 3.5 years of her life.
There is no reason to try and re-create this. Let her grow, let her change. You two have conflicting interests and goals...there is no reason to try and "fix" something that was not glued together in the first place.
How do they say it? You like the "idea" of you two. It was comfortable and familiar. But it is not meant to be. There is no reason to run game on her; especially if this happens: you recreate the bond, she emotionally invests herself again. You realize that is not what you want, but "hey, it's there, might as well take it." Then the relationship is doomed again, and the cycle repeats.
CHAT
