| Hi people,
This is going to be a long post
The girl
She is this great girl, objectively said, a HB7. But things aren't simple at all with her.
I know her since highschool, which is 4 years ago by now, and over that time, we've
become real real best friends. It's like, with family and my best buddy, she is one of
the person that I can't imagine living my life without. She is amazingly intelligent,
funny, a great social person. She is pretty, and just the best girl I've ever met, and
I met quite a few actually. Apart from that, since we've been friends and I went
through hard and good times with her, when she had a LTR and it crumbled, and other
problems, I was, for a change by my own will, the nice guy, the good friend. I was
her best friend. So am REALLY attached to her. I can hardly put it in words, how close
we actually are. She would have a problem with her bf, or her family or anything, and
I'd be there for her to talk to, and cheer her up. And the same vice versa really.
The Situation and Story
Well, she studies now abroad, and that for one year already. She comes back every 4
months. Last year, she had a bf there, a real good one, and I was really happy she
found her happiness
over there, because the first time being away from home and stuff
really kinda got to her. Well, that bf had to go to his own homecountry this summmer,
for good. He says though that he might come back to continue in 2 years or so.
Well, so they didn't exactly break up, but their relationship did go on stand-by.
This summer, she came back, and of course we would meet up, and she'd tell me about
her problems, how she missed her bf, and that she loves him so much. I as always
cheered her up, and we'd hang out like this quite often. You know, when we have
convo, it's real natural rapport, like friends have, and trust and comfort by that.
One thing was different though this year, and it's that we hung out the two of us more
than before. Before, there'd always be our mutual friends, or her old highschool bf
(who is also a friend of mine) around. So stupidly, I started developing feelings for her.
I sympathized with her, I know her so well, and we have this 'pure'
friendly relationship.
Also, I really got attracted to her physically. We would sit in pubs or hang out at her
place, and we'd be close. I found myself each time getting more and more aroused by
her nearness. So not too long like that, and I really AFC style, confessed to her, even
though she was gonna go back in 1 month anyway. I know, it's the dumbest thing to do
and I should have tried getting my mind off her by trying to find another girl etc.
But I didn't and I confessed over textmessage. She too, said, that she'd felt something
over the last
times we hung out. I was so happy, the next day I went over to her place
and we kissed. It was weird, kissing a girl that was SO DEEP in my friendszone.
I never let myself be attracted to her, or develop those feelings ever, in those 4 years
that I knew her. So we kissed, and it was great, and we made out, and I was so full
of joy. We went on like this for another 2 days, and bit by bit, she'd give me signs,
while making out, that she felt guilty towards her current bf, the one who went back.
I was thinking hard at that time. Should I go on, and start a really tough relationship?
I mean, I really love her, she is the most amazing girl I ever met, and we already
have a deep deep bond, a connection. Or should I stop, because of the circumstances,
and the danger of her ending up in pain with herself, loving 2 men, but not wanting to
hurt either.
I did the right thing for the next 2 or so weeks. I told her about my doubts, and that I
was afraid of starting smth up on shaky ground like this. Well, it pained me so much
and her too, but we agreed it was for the best. So from then on, I met with her and
we were 'just friends'. It was so hard to act like nothing happened, for me and her.
Every once in a while, she'd text me that she misses my kisses, and touches, and the
feelings she had being with me those 3 days we were together. I'd say yes, but tell her
we can't do this. And she suffered, because she didn't get what she wanted. Not that
she is spoiled or anything. But she too felt for me strongly, and not being able, being in
shackles was hard for her. For me too.
The last week of her vacation here, we finally cracked. We made out, and just let it all
go. We had sex, and it was great. We were just like a normal couple, and the guilty
feelings she had about her bf were numbed in that time. And foolishly, I too, didn't want
to worry about her bf, and the situation that would arise from what we did.
So the, she had to go back. It was so painful, saying goodbye, and knowing that we'd
have to wait until winterbreak. But we took it on, and soon we were chatting 24/7.
We have great convo over chat too, and even though I miss her like hell, it's great to
be able to talk to her. But her bf comes up every once in a while, and she is clueless
about what to do now. She asks me, of all people, for advice. But clearly, I am not able
to give objective advice. We went on like this another 3 weeks of chatting and avoiding
talking about the situation with her bf. The problem for me is, as her friend, I really like
bf. By everything I heard her tell me about him, he is a sincere good guy, and really fits
with her. As her lover, I don't want to share her of course, and I'd want her to leave him.
Being like this for 3 weeks, I told her yesterday how I feel, as a lover. I feel like I'm
leaking, that I want to commit, but not getting it back, because she is holding herself
from that, having two guys in her heart. I also am aware that as hard as it is for me,
it's harder for her, because she is now in the position of hurting people. She is a kind
hearted girl, and I love her for that too, and it's so hard on her. So I said, being in the
flow of letting my feelings out, that it's either me, or him. She asks me "How can you do
this to me?". Then she goes and says "You ruined my life, before you came and started
this thing with me, I was okay!" "I think you lied to me, you don't love me!".
She argues that I had nothing to lose, while she had her relationship to lose.
She was so cold to me, and wouldn't listen to anything I said.
After a while, she just
said she going out (it was around midnight) to meet her girlfriend, and drink.
She too got all emotional and cracked, so she left me there.
I couldn't sleep all night, and I'm not even able to crack and cry, because this is so hard
on me, I still didn't build up all the emotions inside me, they are so huge and scary.
I'm now waiting for her to come online, and hopefully not in an emotional state.
Guys, I need to hear your views on this. It's not about the relationship with her anymore.
I need to know how not to lose her as a friend. She is way too important for me to just
have her leave my world. I don't know how life would be without her, and most of all,
I'm so devastated because I know, that I am the guilty person. I've let her down as a friend
to try and get my own selfish happiness from her, letting myself develop feelings for her.
This is killing me, please respond...
~base_player
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