| I swallow, breathe, and put it on the line, “We talk too much.”
He laughs, “What do you mean?”
“We talk, on the phone, way too much. We’re going to burn out. According to your Onion Theory, you peel a person, layer by layer, until you get to the core. We’re getting too close to the core. What if we swallow each other up, you get in, see the pith of my existence, and then get bored because that’s all there is? I know I’ll get bored. What happens next? Is that it?”
“Do you enjoy our conversation right now?”
I smile. “Right now I’m about to throw up, but when we were telling
each other dead baby jokes, I was splendid.”
“So that’s a yes. Do you enjoy the time we spend on the phone?”
“Yes.”
“At night, if you haven’t heard or talked to me that day, do I pop into your head before you pass out?”
“Uh, yeah. But don’t tell anyone.”
“Duly noted. When I call, do you get a little rush?”
I stall, “I’m not good at talking about feelings.”
“Shut up.”
“Yes.”
He continues, “When you accidentally scroll by my name in your phone book, do you get a certain feeling or think about what I’m doing?”
“Sure.”
“Well. There you go. We don’t talk too much. If any of those yeses change, we cut back. If two or more of them change, we communicate what is best for both parties.”
As modern men and women, we are constantly in a slew of non-relationships. I find myself trying to one-up or out maneuver my partner so that I don’t come across as “one of those emotional girls.” I won’t ever refer to him as my “boyfriend” because I’m modern, damnit. However, when I go deep with someone, this tendency comes back to sting me in the ass. Worrying about coming off as emotional will inhibit deep rapport. By opening myself enough to let someone in but closing part of myself out, I end up sabotaging the future. I’ve been in a non-relationship with a man for as long as five years. It’s too much work. It had a definite end point that I established from day one.
What’s the solution? How can one tell where a relationship is without coming across like a sissy? How can one let another see who he or she truly is beyond outside influence and keep interest still alive? We all search for a challenge. What happens when we win? What the hell do Cinderella and Prince Charming have left to talk about after they ride off in the carriage?
First of all, stop trying to control the uncontrollable. The outcome of a relationship can be affected by conscious manipulation, but it cannot be controlled. Trying to take on that much responsibility for a human interaction is madness. Secondly, realize that you are deeper than you can fathom. Human beings, no matter what level of education or experience, are complex. Equip yourself with some bad ass tools, and you can keep digging deeper and deeper. With any relationship, there is no end to a person. (Think of a drunken family get-together when Granny lets loose and tells a story about the time she danced topless on a bar in Tallahassee. I know you think you know your Granny, but she’s still got some surprises up her muumuu.) If you’ve reached a plateau with another human being, you’ve failed or lost the will to keep relationship dynamic. Gauge the relationship. When gauging fails, communication is key.
The Onion Theory (mentioned above and developed by a dear friend) states that we peel back layers of personality and experience as we delve deeper into knowing a person. Some people don’t know how to keep peeling or are too scared to let another strip them of their protective layers. Thus, conversation remains superficial. However, if one is brave enough to open up and dig into another human being, the inner onion layers become like gossamer, and the core shines through. There is no end, even when one starts to see the inner bits of another human being.
We are living, breathing works of art. We are constantly shaped by experiences and environmental determinants. Don’t fear the end of rapport, for there is no end. Take a breath, grab this fear by the balls, and freefall into someone else. I dare you. When it starts to get boring, take a step back and make yourself a more interesting human being. Your partner will have time to experience something else as well. Win win. Admitting this shit is scary allows you to cut the albatross of fear from your neck and dive into a real experience.
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- Zip
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CHAT
