Me (27, know pickup since 16, but had a relationship of 7 years since then so I would say I'm not very experienced in picking up women) and her (referring to her as J, 23 years old) have a LTR for nearly two years now and sex consequently got fewer and fewer. From my feeling, the relationship is quite nice. We go to party, our families likes us and we have a very good time, but I will start from the beginning:

We met each other first, when she was looking forward to reenter a hobby she did before. I was responsible, so we came into contact and realized that she was living few meters away from me. We were put into the same group in our extracurricular activity and shared the way to it. We talked nicely, I liked her very much, it was fun all the time and we played some game like she was my personal assistant since I was more experienced in which we were doing. One day (about three months after we met) she gave me a broad hint to come with her after our hobby and I laughed and said another time. We had a weekend with other guys from our activity group and got drunk. I wanted to clean up after half of the people went to bed, she helped and we started kissing. It was so intense. Well, I saw another girl to this time, but I liked J much more (character, jokes, looking) so I stopped and we got into a relationship after 1.5 months or so of having sex.
Things went nicely, holidays, some parties, a lot of chilling, we drunk, smoked weed from time to time and I really thought yeah here I found some nice girl again after my first LTR (2.5 years gone). We had very nice summer holidays, winter was coming and my SPAM was going to move out for a new job, so I had to find a new flat. For me was clear, that I don't want to move in with her now (LTR not long enough) but things got worse. She had to change her field of study (did a lot of party in the first 1.5 years before we met) and it put a lot of pressure on her. She told me that she wished I would have asked her to get a flat together and this dragged she down even more. I tried to support her, but sex got fewer and fewer and for the first time words like "I don't feel like this" or "I'm not in the right mood" fell when I initiated it.

Since then, she put herself into a lot of stress because of university and time is very limited. I am doing my phd, never had big problems during university time and this also kind of puts her (in her mind) into a position where failing is not an option (she's very ambitious). We didn't find time for summer/winter vacation this year (I was having the time) and I don't know what to do.
When we meet (3 to 4 evenings and nights a week) everything is nice and harmonic except sex which she blocks consistently. It started by she's not in the mood, but I can give you ja BJ/HJ and I was okay with it since I thought she's really not in the mood but wants to please me. In the last six weeks, this also stopped. Actually, I don't think that there is another guy who is playing beside me, on the other hand I don't know because I don't spy on her or something like that. She never mentioned one.
About three weeks ago, we got really drunk and suddenly out of nowhere, she was yelling at me for not listening to her, that I'm a bad bf and so forth. Things and reasons changed from minute to minute in her drunk mind, she was crying but after some time, me being calm she also became calm. We kissed and had sex.
This was the first time I was thinking, yeah.. maybe she seeks for actions, feelings… (drama?) beside university and chilling in the evenings during the week watching Netflix and movies? After that, we had a talk where she apologized for this incident and we also talked about the sex thing (I initiated) where she got very sad because she said she doesn't know why she's not in the mood for having sex and she knows that it gets a burden for the relationship.

My problem is that I'm totally okay with a certain time of less sex because of stress, but my gut tells me that this is not the whole thing since it started slowly becoming less and less and I have to do something about it before the LTR will end because of this. So what are your experiences and ideas about this?

Best,
Izzobro

http://www.webmd.com/women/features/str ... men-cope#1

Wild Ass Guess here and I found some science that backs it up. She is stressed out and her body is already awash with Oxytocin. Oxytocin is the famous bonding hormone that is released after sex. She doesn't want to have sex because she isn't chasing the 'cuddle hormone'. This is the hormone that helps women bond with their children as well as their man. The reason your having these problems is partly influenced by this base layer of stress induced hormone release. One of the signs is that Oxytocin induces sleep. I believe women however get more Oxytocin release so maybe this won't be so obvious.

Unfortunately for you this also means that she is going to become more trusting with other men and actively befriend them. It doesn't mean she will cheat but it's not ideal. Makes me wonder if this is partly why women cheat. I say partly, because at the end of the day you have to be responsible for your thought process. Guiding her thought process to the strength of your relationship is key. The article also points out that the 'Tending and Befriending' instinct that is amplified by Oxytocin stresses them out more. So by initiating sex and getting that Handjob when she really wasn't feeling like it was making her stressed out more. So what should we conclude?

1. She needs to do stress releasing activities such as Yoga. (Bonus if it's in an all female group) She might resist and say that it's a waste of time. You just have to remind her of the benefits.
2. I am worried that if you do stress releasing activities on her / with her then this will cause her to pull away because her body will associate it with Oxytocin withdrawal. This means that during the relaxation period she will feel less of a bond with you setting her up for any random guy on the street who seems intimidating or interesting.
3. Cut off all sexual contact with her for a trial period (2 weeks) then reevaluate. Even touch. A freezeout might help the situation. If she asks whats wrong or some other question or statement along those lines (really desperate), you can run some game on her verbally to remind her what an interesting guy she is with and then build a little kino escalating to cuddling. Just be honest with her and tell her something along the lines of: "I don't want to add to your stress. Your already enough for me right now."

I hope my shot in the dark hits home! PM me if you have any concerns or success!

P.S. Don't ever force the close. If your good sex will be her idea.

Thank you for your reply. Well, I like science and I am with your conclusions. From a view of PU i would assume that this: is like a freezeout. I don't know if I got beta (well at least in her mind) or if it's really stress. That's actually my main question (came, while I was thinking about the thing again).

I believe it was David D that said something along the lines of: the best situation is to have other guys helping and comforting your high maintenance girlfriend while you enjoy her company and sexual relationship. If you've ever witnessed how an alpha male treats his girlfriend you will see this in action. He treats her like any other relationship knowing that he can or has exchanged her sexually for another woman. Meanwhile his girlfriend craves affection and bonding so she bonds with all the caring affectionate betas. This makes the alpha jealous, he then proceeds to take it out on her to get more favor, but he also does an interesting thing, he intimidates the betas so that they are less likely to have the nerve to sleep with his girlfriend/s. Even guys he has just met he becomes 'competitive' with. I am not suggesting you become an alpha, instead your going to blend characteristics of an alpha with your natural Omega/Beta characteristics (Omega is the nice guy that finishes last) Not trying to insult you we all have them. Let's say Omega is what you want to do without playing game. There are plenty of guys that just don't want to play.

For instance if having money and being a good provider is beta and you happen to be good at it you can do that so long as you maintain the power (Titles to the house, car, bank accounts in your name) You have to protect yourself legally. Society it seems is setup by women to screw betas over. For instance the common law marriage where if you live with your girl for three to four years she automatically owns half your stuff plus vagina taxes (Alimony) if you leave.

But what is going beta? Let's think about this. Our empathy can fool us into what is known as a fallacy ad misericordiam. That is we use the misery of another person to justify an action or conclusion that doesn't actually follow logically from the situation. I would claim that is one way of going beta. The other way is when you realize you have only one girl in your life and the thought of leaving her means your penis will fall off or something. If she is keeping your penis in her nightstand like a dildo (in your mind) you've got issues.

fallacy ad misericordiam
My girlfriend is sad / stressed
I love her
Therefore I should change my behavior that maintains our relationship

You see that doesn't follow. In answer to your question. It could be both. You haven't elaborated too much about your behavior. You need to think about what you were doing before, write down what you think has changed then go back to the old version before you invent version 2.0 of your relationship.


P.S. Watching Netflix together could be a relaxing bonding activity with you. Keep reevaluating. Any freeze out requires the risk of losing her.

It could definitely be the stress..


This is a lot more common than you think. It could also be changes from poor diet which result in hormonal changes.. Is she on birth control by the way? This has tendency to do this as well.

What i could suggest to you however is to build your testosterone. Go 2 weeks without ejaculating of any kind and see if that new pumping sexual energy within you produces a different reaction from her. So no masturbation, no porn, and no ejaculations of any kind for 2-3 week. That may inspire her to feel new once your masculinity starts booming.

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It doesn't sound like you guys are having as much fun as you did in the beginning.

It is incredibly obvious that she is fucking another guy. The reason why she will only do Bj or hj is because her pussy is either beat or she is saving it for the other guy because she would feel slutty fucking 2 guys regularly. Her stress and all that is just an excuse because sex with you is a chore for her. She is more emotionally attached to you than sexually so you need to distance yourself from her and date other women. This will make her want to fuck you more than if you keep trying to push for sex. If a girl wants to fuck you she will find a way, not make you settle for high school foreplay or oral. Bet she knew if another chick was going to hop on your cock one of those nights she'd be right over there doing it instead because chicks HATE being replaced.

It could be that you aren't good in the sack either but that's another topic

I can't tell if there's another guy...stress can be a valid reason but this relationship just sounds boring. You 2 sound more like friends

Hey,
She's on birth control, but also has been before we met, so no change here. Your second thought is quite nice. I have read something like this before, but it didn't come to my mind. Well, at least I will stop porn and masturbation which makes total sense and maybe clears my mind. Yesterday, she chilled at my place while I was doing stuff and when I came back, we also had sex. At first, it was kind of slow (like no passion), but then there was more and more, so I will see how things will evolve over time.
Well, yes. Relationship without having sexual activities is like being friends, isn't it? From your post I assume I should push a little bit into more action stuff. Actually, I also had this idea and also got ideas for doing new stuff.
You're right, pushing for sex is needy as fuck and will kill her feelings (I know this, but completly behaving like this is a different story). If there were no reasons for stress, I would be totally with you but there are reasons (see initial post). On the other hand, I trust her (as long as my mind and feelings tell me to, normally I'm a little bit suspicious about things) and I don't want to assume without real reasons that she's cheating on me.
If there were any girl beside her on my cock, she would be completly wrecked (well, at least it's what my feelings tell me).

Thanks for your posts guys! Feels good to speak about it without something like the words of a friend of mine: "Well, we (he and his LTR, same duration) also have sex like every two weeks.

Birth control is not going to consistently effect you the same exact way. Its constantly altering your natural hormones. Just like someone could smoke cigarettes before you met them and be find and then develop lung cancer eventually after you've met them.

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I mean it just sounds boring. Even without the sex. There is no passion in your words. Even the way you 2 met. To summarize what I read, you met a chick through a hobby, blah blah,words like "nice" and "responsible"....SHE had to ask you to stay over when you first had sex. SHE had to make a move. It sounds like your relationship started out without sexual tension, or lust, or attraction.

Even when you say this:
It sounds like you only want there to be sex because without it the RELATIONSHIP dies. You're not sounding like a guy who wants to rip his gfs clothes off, you sound like a guy just looking for COMPANIONSHIP. You get on "harmonic" with her....there's no "flirt" or sexual tension from the sounds of it.

I read this and I'm picturing, no offense, a nerdy guy, a nerdy girl, meeting and getting into a relationship. Hangout, smoke weed, sometimes fuck.

Yeah, agreed.

Agreed once more.

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Well, I think (hope) this is related to the way I write (not my first language, not living in an english speaking country. Also I am really objective when I want to solve problems, maybe work related). And no, actually she invited me to a show, I took her with me and then upstairs . At the beginning, there was a lot sexual tension and also have been for about 9 to 11 months, but then gradually become less and less (it's hard to find a "date" where this happened because it went gradually down)
Again, I want to rip off her clothes and bang her through my apartment and we also did. But then, blocks came more and more often so after some time (well, actually after I got a new flat), everything you write is true. I should have sounded like: "I want sex, because I love sex, love having sex with her and without it, something inside tells me to find another girl to have sex with. Just to have sex with, because everything else I get from her"

In the beginning we're fucking a lot. She also told me she to this time that she had her first orgasm during sex. There was definitely passion, but this passion is gone and maybe you guys have some ideas what I can try. I also wouldn't assume that she's planning to leave me but as you recognized from my style of writing, this passion is gone - maybe also for me since it also bothers me.

So, do you have guys ideas to bring back this passion or do you think this is a dead end? I have my own life, I do my own stuff (where she also complained about not writing her texts), I meet friends about every two to three weeks but I certainly will not cheat on her. Do you think I should intensify my private time (with friends) or do more action stuff inside of the relationship?

I noticed you didn't freeze her out for two weeks and admittedly you got something out of the three days or so that you did. However, there is no way to know whether it was your mindset change with the freeze out or her just wanting a ride that day. So I wouldn't take her coming over as a sign that things are improving, because unless you have telepathic powers nothing has changed. Your behavior was the same to her because she wasn't around you. Your behaving like the rat in the maze and not the scientist outside the maze. She shows up you act like you just found the cheese. Unless you can tie the changes into some behavior change that your making, your not in control. That being said a good scientist sees the outside factors beyond their control and accounts for those as well.

You say there was less passion. Have you made an attempt to study the sexual arts? It's the information age and sex has evolved to the point where if you know what your doing you can easily outperform any guy she randomly screws. Why? Because you know her body better than that guy. This is to say that for the sake of your relationships you need to keep studying and becoming better at techniques. You need to blow her mind in the bedroom for the same reason we were talking about before Oxytocin release, but you probably knew that. Let's say you freeze her out enough until she is begging for it (Because she doesn't have a guy on the side) then you shock her system with a several orgasms. Study some techniques and then before sex think of them before going into sex.

The number one thing that drives women crazy in bed is you having the confidence to take control so start with that and build in smaller routines that are easy first. Maybe something for the mind as opposed to kissing and heavy petting. Demonstrate value.

Anyway in the interest of my time I have to cut this short. I have so many ideas for you to try. Good luck.

Thanks for you thoughts and ideas. I will try it and give you all an update about how things went.

Best,
Izzobro