Long story short -- Me and one of my female friends when I was in college were tight. She was like a little sister to me. The guy she was dating at the time really disliked me and became insecure b/c he thought I was trying to get with her or something. Not true at all.

Fast forward a couple years I'm dating a girl in college. She knows this guy and her bros, and I just recently found out they were friends. Apparently this insecure guy still has it out for me and is now trying to put doubts in my girlfriends head. Her bros I know are trying to do the same. Basically I know they are trying to make me look bad and ruin things between my girlfriend and I, but in a discreet slick way.

Anyways once I found out the situation I told her straight up she cannot be hanging around these fools, b/c it's disrespecting me. I don't hang around girls she thinks are trying to get at me/disrespect her, etc. So I expect the same in return. If a guy has beef with me/out to get me I don't want my girlfriend to associate in ANYWAY with that guy. You're on my team.

So we argued and I told her straight up you either chose me or them. She got pissed but did choose me, but said I gave her an ultimatum and she doesn't like that controlling behavior. In my mind I'm thinking FUCK THAT! This isn't a matter of ultimatum, this is a matter of me being disrespected -- and if she's hanging around these guys she's disrespected me.

She kept saying it was still an ultimatum. Is there anyway I can approach this situation so she realizes that it's a matter of disrespect, and not an ultimatum.

Thanks.

"It's disappointing to see that you would hang around people that try to sabotage our relationship". Then let her decide what to do from there.

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That's cool. She already did agree to stop talking to them, but asked for time to do so. At first, yeah sounds SKETCH AF! But you gotta realize we are middle eastern. Women are suppose to wait until marriage. She made a mistake of telling these guys that we had slept together. Her fear is that if she cuts off all contact right away (Note that one of these guys is in her class) that they could potentially tell other middle easterns about her and what we've done and potentially ruin her reputation. Her goal is to slowly break away from them so they forget about her naturally.

She already agreed that right away she would not go to places where these guys are. (i.e., she used to go to the gas station they own and they'd give her free stuff) As far as completely cutting off all contact, deleting facebook, etc, she asked for a little more time. She asked for winter break b/c one of these guys is in her class. She promised to slowly break apart from this guy during class, however. Given her situation and her reputation being at stake... I could see how it would be weird if she just completely stone walled this guy. They love to gossip, so I could see them ruining her reputation b/c of their pettiness. Therefore, I said it was okay. I think it was a reasonable "meet me in the middle here" compromise.

You do realize that it was an ultimatum, right? Regardless of how you feel about it, you gave her no choice. If you are ever put in this situation again you are better off not forcing her hand and instead appeal to her sense of loyalty to you.

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Yeah it was an ultimatum. But it was the truth. I would've walked away if she chose to continue being friends with them. Are ultimatums no nos in relationships?

So you're telling me to appeal to her sense of loyalty. Okay that's dope. Is there a certain way you yourself think b/c I like your method a lot more, and I wanna train my brain to work that way. It's very non-threatening, kinda salesmany too.. I like it lol

You doing that ultimatum has you labeled as controlling now. From this point on, just about everything that you say to get your way is at risk of appearing controlling. Not wanting to eat where she wants, choosing what to watch, or something as simple as wanting to stay in vs. going out.

Yeah...that's how I think, but I had to learn to think that way. It wasn't natural, but the bonus is that I appear more centered than "the other guys".

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I'm always confused by these threads. So your gf hangs with guys who disrespect you?

Why is she your gf then?

Its always weird to me that you'd be with someone who would let people disrespect you, but the you act like these STRANGERS are an issue.

It's kinda like if I was your friend and came into your house with my dog and I let my dog shit on your floor...would you tell me not to bring my dog because my dog is disrespting you...or would you tell me why the hell am I disrespecting you by letting the dog shit on your floor? Maybe she cuts the guys off but she still doesn't respect you cause she'll just let someone else disrespect you.

So how do I fix everything I say being labelled controlling? Cuz you're right.

Also, I want to become as centered as you. How can I speed up the process to get there? Would you recommend any books?

Possibly.. but there are some details of me I didn't type because I don't wanna share lol. With that being said I feel confident that she won't allow another nigga to disrespect me

The advice you're gonna get is going to be just as accurate as the information you provide. If you hold out, you only sabotage yourself.

That said neo is right. What the fuck does it matter to you if some tools are trying to talk shit about you to your girl? She's your girl. She can either brush it off, tell them to stop, or not even mind because she knows better. Either way it's her job to handle that, not yours.

And if she actually falls for the shit they say, then she's not deserving of being your girlfriend in the first place.
It's a win-win.

If I were you I'd simply tell her I was wrong with the ultimatum and that she can hang out with whomever she likes.
You can't stop her from being influenced. She's either susceptible to that, or she isn't. She's either loyal to you, or not.

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To be honest, it sounds like those 'friends' got exactly what the wanted. They got under your skin and got you to indirectly tell your girl you dont trust her judgement.

Dont play this game they are trying to get you to play.
"You're the man! let them bait you, you won't react."
They will never be able to make her break up. Hoever, they will be able to make you go crazy so that you force her away.

The only way to win this game is by not playing!

This..

End of the day you're fucking her, not them..