Pulling the relationship trigger. (The Talk)

You’ve been dating this super-hot female for a couple of weeks now, and you have this nagging urge to stake a permanent claim on her ass.
Exclusive drilling rights on that fertile property, must be yours! One of the first and most common questions is simply “when should you have the defining the relationship” talk?

Why?

Because you love her?

Wrong! That's your dick talking.

You don’t know a fucking thing about her. Being in love is about knowing someone inside and out, and then loving them, regardless.

You don’t know her that well yet.

Well then why do you still have that nagging feeling you must get her to commit to being exclusive?

Two main reasons for this early stage type of commitment requesting, and both are needy as fuck. And as we all know, needy = I’m about to fuck this shit up.

1. You haven’t even had a chance to bang this beauty yet, because you’ve been too scared to make a move, because you think if you push for sex, she’ll think that’s all you are about. So if you if you put your sold sticker on it, nobody else will get a chance to yank them panties down and get their dirty finger prints all over it before you do. Never start the talk until after you start sleeping together.

2. You were clever enough to wear her down with pleading and crying, that she let you into her little pleasure hole, and you spent all night ruining a couch cushion or two. It was fantastic. Even better than playing Call of Duty with your semi retarded friends. Then you realized how she enjoyed sex as much or more than you did. So you must lock that shit down before this little cock craver goes on a dick binge, with more than just your dick!


No & No.

Springing ‘the talk’ on her to early could be the most counterproductive way to negotiate something as important as the potential future of your relationship with her. The pressure for her to agree can be intense, causing confusion. And a confused mind usually says NO.

Firstly sex is one of those critical moments that can make or break what could turn into a relationship. Without sex there is no relationship, only a friendship. Friends typically don’t fuck each other.

Secondly, banging boots a couple times in the way back of your mom’s KIA Sorrento doesn’t cut it either. It just makes you fuck buddies. Feeling the ropes. Checking each other out. Finding out about each other, lives outside of the bedroom/back seat. Hopes, dreams, hobbies, families, careers. That kind of shit, that’s how you let things develop.

Now, I can’t tell you when it is a good time to do it and neither can your Bro’s, or your sister or that relationship smart guy at the 7-11 where you buy your smokes, because it depends on how you play it.

The best way is to let things flow naturally. Usually about three months in, she’ll change her status.

The fact is, if you’ve been finding that you’re seeing each other more and more often lately, that’s often a sign that you’re both becoming more and more interested in one another and invested in your relationship together.


Never have ‘the talk’ to express an ultimatum, she will see this as weak and needy, making her wonder if you’re the right guy.

Don’t nag the shit out of her into accepting your offer either after all, just as you don’t want to be pressured into a relationship you don’t want, neither does she.

If you are ever feeling like you need to have this talk to put her on lockdown, you are jumping the gun!

If she starts asking…well then there you go…………

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I'm surprised that it's usually the guys trying to go for the exclusivity talk. I haven't initiated the talk in years. It's usually the girls giving me the ultimatums. If guys kept their mouth shut, these girls would be throwing themselves at them and trying to make themselves seem like the best thing on earth.

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Guys have been PM-ing on this. I thought it needed to be addressed. Your relationship status with someone else doesn’t determine warranty rights.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Lol. Not surprised about that. Good stuff...but I am sure most of them won't follow through with it.

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Thanks for this. I did the exact opposite of what you suggested, and low and behold, I fucked it up. She got confused and got hit with immense pressure and eventually said NO, as you stated.

All this because my best friend used "the talk" after one month of dating his 3 girlfriends (and it worked every time). So he suggested that I do the same, however the difference is that I didn't have sex with her yet since she's a virgin and wasn't ready.

Next time, I'll wait 3 months or maybe wait for the girl to pull the relationship trigger first.

I think we guys use the talk first because we're scared of losing her. Losing her = starting all over again with another girl, which requires major efforts and you have to find the new girl which is even a bigger hassle. Girls have male attention all day every day, whereas we usually have to work for female attention.

Well said. It's "meant to be" if it happens organically.

Also, it's important to remember that women can be needy, emotionally-uncentered and overbearing as well. I find that the most worthwhile women are very cool in the first few weeks/months, not begging for a relationship, but letting it evolve organically.

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Good post Heywood

I want to highlight this poster's words, because i think its a misconception of Heywood's focus.

You've never had a relationship. Stop blaming the fact that you had a conversation with a chick, who was not even fucking you, as the downfall of that experience. This wasnt the first chick that denied a LTR with you, maybe look at other areas besides what you did ONE time, as the cause.
At first I thought Heywood was just saying dont start the talk, and for some macho reason. But reading it a few times, he's emphasizing using the talk as a SYMPTOM OF NEEDINESS. You can try to tie her down because you're needy. Or, you can try NOT to bring up the talk because you're afraid of pushing her away......THAT'S STILL NEEDY.

Crawford, you dated a virgin, who not only wasnt having sex with you, but she got mad at you for trying to have sex with her. Do you really think that VERBALIZING "I want to be your bf" was the point she knew or felt like you were afraid to lose her?! Do you think if I travel overseas for a specific job, I let the hiring manager berate me and still come back, if I say "I would like the job", then THAT'S when he knows I NEED the job? Stop being needy! Hold chicks up to YOUR standards.

I've initiated the talk before, and why I have no problem with it, is any chick Ive said "be my gf", it was like a reward. Because she worked her ass off for the title. Its me saying her, you won something, like a boss telling you you're promoted. Your boss doesnt ask you if you want the pay raise, he just tells you. I'd be damned if I would ask a chick who hasnt even fucked me to be my gf, and by that note, I'd be insulted if a chick asked to be my gf and she hasnt fucked me. Thats the fucked up part. If a chick (like Crawfords), thinks she can even ask to be your gf and she hasnt fucked you, what does she think of you? She thinks you'd accept anything. Whoever initiates, make sure the chick has worked for that title. Chick is a virgin? Ok, backburner. Still messing with her? At least have the dynamic of she's afraid she might lose you over sex. I'd laugh my ass off if a virgin was getting mad at me for trying to have sex. And then you wonder why she knows you NEED this to work. No, it wasnt when you asked her to be your gf. It was when you heard virgin and continued. And it was definitely when she was screaming at you for being a MAN and you sat there apologizing.

If things are going well after 2-3 months of seeing one another (great conversation, emotional connection, trust is building, great sex, meet up regularly, no games or bullshit) then it doesn't matter who initiates the talk. The only point of this is to completely erase all doubts and bring peace of mind to both parties.

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Likes attract likes. All comments are geared towards generating lasting attraction for the purpose of a relationship with a well-rounded female (attractive, well educated and cultured, plus knows what she wants in her work and personal life).

The need to have 'The Talk' may seem all all cool and shit, but really, it’s just you scratching your needy insecure itch. You “need to know.”

Having 'The Talk' to early, is like - Your having the best sex ever with this Disney Princess, she has her fists balled up in the sheets, her face buried in the pillow, and you just glazed her butt hole like a doughnut..... Then her Dad busts in flips on the light, and asks "What are your intentions with my daughter!?" Kind of a buzz kill, right?

The caveat though it needs to be there at some point. Otherwise there is no commitment, no boundaries.

It doesn't come out at 3am when you are still all sweaty after knocking one out, still 1/2 drunk, the backs of your hands covered in club stamps...no.

It's more like, you've been staying at one or the others so much you laundry's all mixed in she is curled up on the couch in her sweats and a wife beater, no makeup on, watching her Tivo'ed episodes of Housewives of Atlanta, and she says..........

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I'm not sure why you guys are saying it doesn't matter who brings it up, you literally can ride the single life until she finally says "you know i've been thinking", it's the perfect scenario. You're banging like 2 other girls on the side until your main girl starts to "fall" for you and you can decide if you want to make her your girlfriend after she verbally asks what are we.

It's not needy if you don't bring it up. It's for your benefit anyway. This isn't a job salary where if you don't speak you won't get a raise. Lets be real. It's a person you're fucking. The two aren't relate able at all.

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The reason why I've never had an LTR is not because I tried with other girls-- most other girls were FWB's and I did not find them worthy of an LTR or I wasn't interested at the time. I only met another girl that was worth it but I fucked it up since I was too young. Now I'm older so my main focus is LTR.

You made a good point, initiating the talk early is needy and not initiating it at all is also needy... And yeah, I did apologize for "hurting her feelings" when I tried having sex with her. The reason she got pissed is because a few days before, she told me that it would take me weeks/months for her to let me have sex wit her. So she was insulted that I tried days later, even though the foreplay was intense and she was giving me a handjob.

And yeah you're right, I think she sensed that I was afraid of losing her. But I don't really know how to flip it around the other way though, I guess next time I won't initiate the talk until after sex... :/

You said:

"It was when you heard virgin and continued."

So I should have quit it right when she told me that she was a virgin?, in your opinion?

My friend is currently banging a chick but he wants to be in a LTR with her. After seeing what happened with me, he's scared to bring up the talk so he told me he won't bring it up at all. The problem is that the chick he's banging is kind of an alpha woman so I'm not sure that she will ever bring up the talk either.

There are no unicorns. (Alpha Female)

There are only Princesses. Tell him to just keep fucking his princess, all is well.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

When she told you she was a virgin, she should have felt that she lost points with you. You're grown, you have your views on sex, its importance and purpose. A chick telling you that she cant provide a need of yours, and she is going to inconvenience you for a while, should make you less attracted. She should sense that. This just means, putting your expectations first. You dont need to ultimatum her, if you truly put your needs first you'll act accordingly. Its kinda like if you go on a date with a chick and you dont have your own place. Well she's not gonna tell you that you need to find a place, but its a negative for you. She'll think abt long term less because hey she doesnt want to be sneaking into your mom's basement for the next few months. And you'll feel that energy where you know you lost points.
See, this is just me but I dont wait for a chick to do something for me to make a choice. That sounds so "followerish" to me. If I would like to approach a chick, I approach her. If I would like to fuck her, I make that move. I dont wait for a woman to do anything, to figure out how to proceed for what I want. For me, that applies from beginning to end. If I'm dating a chick, things are great, share the same values and she's emotionally mature and ready for a relationship, I decide, hey she should be my gf. When that decision is made, I dont care abt whether I say it or she does. There is no "talk," because from dating her, I know what her values are, so there's no reason to repeat them. Its a "be my gf," a "yes" or a "no." Maybe your style is less dominant or more MM ish, but to me its just why would I not take action? If I want to ride the single life, a chick asking me isnt going to change that. If I wanted to bang 3 chicks, a chick asking me a question isn't going to stop that or make me question what I really want. It just sounds indecisive to me ; like if a woman wants to be my gf, that would possibly have some bearing on whether I'm single or not. Maybe its a style thing; it just seems more validation seeking than doing what you want to do and not caring.
Said if you dont bring it up DUE to fear of losing her its needy.What benefit? See again, I may just be different. I dont care what a chick thinks about me doing X y or z; whether she will fall "harder" if I dont do something. Am I doing what I want to do? Yes? That's all that matters. I'm not saying either way on whether you should ask or shouldnt. I just cringe everything I read guys caring so much about what chicks think or perceive. Who is in the higher position if you're looking for a benefit? If you care what she thinks, you're already needy, whether you ask or not. If your decisions are made not internally,but from her questions, how
is this not needy? I agree with Heywood's point of dont make the decision to "tie" someone down from insecurities, but cant get this "let HER decision be what makes you stop fucking other people." Maybe its just a style thing. Do you do more MM, indirect stuff?