Hello everyone,

I have been following this forum for a while but this is actually the first time I post here because I have no idea how to handle this situation. I would greatly appreciate your help. Please excuse my english I am not a native speaker!

Let's call me Paul

I started a Master in August and decided to share a flat with this girl I met right before uni, about 7 months ago. As I had already lived with a girl in the past and it went extremely well, I thought that living with her would be the same and could also open opportunities to meet her girl friends she would invite . At that time she was "kind of dating" a couple of guys with no strings attached. Unfortunately she happens to be really hot (like one of the hottest chicks I have seen), and I happen(ed) to be pretty good at gaming. What happened next is that within the first couple of weeks I started feeling more and more attracted, until we hooked up at home after a party and an oily back and butt massage on the couch.

Since then, she ditched one after the other the two other guys she was seeing (one even flew from Germany to visit her and she told him she "didn't feel it anymore". We slept together literally every day and every night for the next 6 months. We would always play that little game of saying "hey, you're free to do what you want, but just be respectful and don't bring anyone home". We never brought anyone home, we never slept out. We were basically a couple without ever defining the relationship.

About 2 months into that "SPAM-sex-friendship", we stopped hiding from our uni friends, made out several times in public, started holding hands, kissing at uni, and do all the shit couples do. She started hinting me stuff like "I wonder what language our kids would speak" (we both speak 4-5 different languages), "yes that's exactly what moms and girlfriends do", hints that I never catched because even though I was madly in love with the girl, I have been so hurt in a past relationship that I stupidly decided I wouldn't make the move to officialize this to keep some pressure off it. However, I never felt the need or want to date or sleep with other girls, these were truly some of the 5 happiest months of my life.

After 5 months that seemed perfect on my side, we are both separated for more than a months with our respective classes for study-tours ) and company visits (her in Asia, me in South America.
This is where shit started going down.

We were separated but texted everyday and occasionally SPAM during that month. When we came back, I didn't see it at first but she started acting very cold. One night, a week after we are both back in our home, she comes back wasted from a party (I was at another party) and lies down in bed all dressed up asking:

"Babe, I want to know now, what are we?".

At that moment I don't know if I wanted to avoid the bullet to like "keep the control" or if I just wanted to have this convo in a sober state, I just answered "I don't want to talk about this now". We didn't bring it up the next day.

What happens next is that I find out some days later that that exact night she asked me the question, she made out with a guy from uni she met during the study tour. Apparently he's been teasing and trying (he's a PUA) and she was resisting him all the time during the study tour. However the fact that I never defined the relationship despite her hints even when we were back living together + the fact that he kept on saying "hey, he's just your SPAM, that's what he says right, c'mon " made her fall for him.

When I heard that she kissed him I freaked out and confronted her badly. She apologized and we tried to make it work after that. However, I got drunk with her one night at a party and I wanted to "officialize" our relationship. Here I made the stupidest move ever: I told her I also made out with a girl on my study tour in South America and I wanted to start this relationship with a "clean slate" and be totally open because I made a mistake too.

She got extremely mad, saying that I made her feel like shit for weeks when I wasn't an angel either, that we were so in love at that time and I kissed another girl, that she kissed when shit was already going down blablabla.... Here starts a war of who is more to blame.

Again, I try to rationalize the thing and say "ok, we both fucked up, now I want to be with you, let's start this fucking clean". I didn't realize I lost her already long ago, she said she was ok to try but to take it slow. However, I already saw she wasn't the same girl anymore. At that point, I became super clingy and needy and worse than all, I didn't trust her anymore. This is how I started checking her phone (never did that in my life but I felt a horrible urge to do so) and saw she was still talking with the guy and flirting hardcore. She was also planning on seeing him again behind my back for dates, and writing her friends "yeah I really like the new guy but I don't want to hurt Paul".

When I find out the messages I decide to just leave the flat for a few days without too much explanation given. I also start being very talkative about the problems in our "relationship" if we can call it such, and telling people, including those that are more friends with her than with me, that I consider moving out. When she finds out that I consider moving out she totally freaks out, breaks it off with me and says "we are never gonna repair this I am so done". She also told me she was in love with me before and wanted this relationship and that now it's all changed, that I didn't make a move on time, that she now feels she wants to enjoy her last months of studying in this city, that she feels like "in a cage" in this flat with me etc...

I freaked out, cried, ran away, begged. Starts a period of 2 weeks bargaining with her, saying that I miss having her as my girlfriend (to which she harshly answered "I was never your girlfriend"). She started going out till very late every night, dresses nice and stuff. We live in the same flat and at that time we slept in different rooms for 3 consecutive weeks. One day, I make another big mistake of stalking her phone again. She had been on several dates with the study tour guy, he was playing her PUA style, she was planning on sleeping at his place soon. And so she did one night. Now they are basically dating, I left the flat to go at a friend's place as I thought I was going to die if I stayed one more second in that house and I'm now looking for a new spot. She is so uninterested now that she even said stuff like "you don't really have to leave the flat for me, you know? We can be friends.". But she does not really mean it, our conversations in the last weeks have been extremely cold and awkward, it's like we are not the same people anymore.

Ever since she slept with him I have been extremely depressed, and so overwhelmed with my feelings that I've been telling everyone at school how bad I felt. She gave me shit for that too because it made her "look bad" and she thinks I badmouthed her, when I really just said that I was devastated and didn't understand how she could go from "I wonder what our kids would speak at home" to total indifference towards me. On her side, I hear from sure sources that never ever shares a thought about me with her friends, at least not in a nostalgic way. She literally doesn't seem to give a shit, a drastical change compared to like a month ago.

I now traveled abroad to see my family and try to reconstruct myself because I felt like a sleepless zombie for the last couple of weeks. However, I feel like it's gonna be really hard to stop being an emotional mess when I come back considering that I see her and the new guy every single day at school. Furthermore, I invested so much in this girl that she also became my best friend in town and most other friendships I have are superficial and are often "friends of our couple". She is no way as affected as I am by this breakup and I am scared that I am going to isolate myself from my social circles now that I lost her my "girlfriend", my best friend, my flat, my dignity, and that I'm annoying everyone with my grieving.

I apologized a lot in the hope of getting her back but I also realized that she behaved like a bitch. However, we had a connection that I haven't felt with anyone else and I don't know what my next move should be. I am trying to go NC but we have to do some paperwork for the flat, money, and I get to see her and him everyday during the week and almost every weekend as we go to the same parties (my uni is very "united" let's say).

Sorry for the long post and possible lack of clarity but it's also still very messy in my head and this story had a lot of subtleties, miscommunication problems and nonesenses (like her always chasing me to be my gf and now her rejecting me harder than stone, wtf.).

Ps Additional info: it's also her birthday in 3 weeks.

I was actually just talking with a woman last night about this. She put it very well, as she said "most ppl have been through this at some point or another. You fall in "love" with someone, and they push you away."

Unfortunately, this is a sad fact of life. This is why people often say "never give your heart to a woman." Women have done it to me, I've done it to women, and it happens among 2 people all the time no matter if they are intimate or not. Just in my own family, people have been torn apart just because of their beliefs. But it also works the opposite way.

If she's already spending all her time and sleeping with another man... she's completely over you bro. The only healthy thing for you to do is move on. There are only 2 things to do here; keep giving her your attention (never correct) or find someone else and make yourself the best you can be. Please don't focus on her anymore, she's not the only attractive woman on earth and there are better!

I actually have been a little restless lately too bc of my life problems; but through meditation, exercise, social interaction, and other healthy things, I'm getting through it.

Get your papers in order, then do your self a favor. RUN, run like the wind.

Read this: relationships/the-guys-who-want-their-b ... 92365.html

It may save your penis's life.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

What the hell are you talking about man, make a move? She was already making the move. All you had to do was acknowledge it.
Something as simple and as playful as "Oh, so you're my girlfriend now?" would've been enough.
You rejected it instead.
Acting cold doesn't just happen out of the blue. Information is missing here.
We? You just rejected her second attempt at exclusivity. Bringing it up the next day was your job.
So.. you freaked out because not your girlfriend kissed some dude? Even after you've turned down her attempts of becoming your girlfriend?
Ok so, not your girlfriend is.. well.. not your girlfriend. But you give her shit for "cheating" on you anyway, as if she owed you anything. Not only that, but you give her shit for something you also did yourself? Do you see the sheer hypocritical stupidity in that?

I mean you could have at least shut the fuck up about that part.
Violating her privacy like that is the lowliest of lows. Never do that again. With anyone. For any reason.
She's right about that one you know. She wanted a relationship. So did you, but for whatever stupid reason you decided control was more important. She basically did what we teach guys on this forum for the longest time. If the person you're with is not meeting your needs, find someone who will. Don't settle.

I'm not even gonna go through the rest of your post because it already feels like I'm kicking you when you're down.
I'm sorry OP. It's done. And I know it hurts like a motherfucker, and shoving the fact that you had a serious fault in it yourself in your face won't make you feel any better, but it's the truth.
She didn't get gamed by a PUA. If she got gamed by anyone, that was you. The dude said "he's just your SPAM", and you're the one who chose to be no more than that.

Do yourself a favor and move out. You'll be fine eventually, but you need time and distance for your mental sanity. And learn something from this.
Mainly the fact that you cannot live current relationship from the prism of old ones. You got hurt by someone else in the past and let that influence your actions towards this girl. And look where it got you.

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Thanks to both of you for your answers and time!

I'll follow your advice and just consider that it's over for good, run and try as much as possible to think about myself.

My biggest concern is that we both know pretty much everyone in uni, we were kind of that "famous cool couple", we go to the same parties, have the same social circles. I'm basically constantly exposed to this girl and guy and if I weren't I would lose my social circle.

How do you deal with being cool around your ex and her new guy when really you are boiling inside and always close to explode? Fact is she is so cool about this. For me, it feels like it's being stronger than me and i'm super overwhelmed.

I'm trying to control it and relax but my voice starts breaking like a little bitch and I get all these emotional flashbacks (us together, them fucking, etc..) and whatsoever.

I actually really wish I could do a proper NC...

Very true. I regret it so much because that chick didn't mean shit. Since she kissed a guy and I gave her shit for that I thought on the moment that I had to do the same but now I realize how stupid that was.
Well, she justified it later by saying "I felt like you were taking me for granted and you changed a bit". I think it was her reaction to me not catching her hints of making our relationship official. That's also when she starting chatting the other dude probably, and later on kiss him.


Overall, I wish I had posted here earlier, I've been reading you guys for quite some time but never really shared anything. It's very hard not to be influenced by past experiences even when you know that shit.

Ps: If someone could teach me how to quote properly I would be super grateful

It's tough, breakups just are. We've all been there. It fucking sucks.
But, you know why she is dealing with it so much better than you? Because she is merrily bouncing up and down on a new dick!

Do you think it would be so heart wrenching if you were doing the same thing? Seriously? If you did the same thing to her, would you be sitting in the bath tub crying and sniffing her leftover shampoo?

NO! You'd be skipping happily down the halls, balls deep in the new girl.

So? Flip the script on her slutty ass. You know there is some little tart waiting for this to happen, and she'd be eager to get her self some of the man 1/2 of famous.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Damn rc and heywood. Excellent advice

I think is your ex relation beyond saveable. Pray for it that your ex's(wtf she is not your ex right?) relationship with the dude is rebound. But most logicaly u should move on delete her everywhere, move out and fuck around. You are in SSPS(Stuck at single pussy sendrome). There are plenty of chick. So do not isolate yourself from your circle, only person who can isolate from your social circle is you. Move on and stop being wuss.

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Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

Called it "ex" because of the type of behavior (romantic, openly displaying affection, cheesy naming,..etc.) and to make it simpler to explain than

"SPAM with mutual sexual and romantic attraction where none of the actors actually engaged in a serious talk to officialize the thing and hints were not taken"


Idk about the other dude. Unfortunately during my phone stalking I could read a pretty good vibe with a lot of teasing and definetely a connection. The only thing that makes me think it could be rebound is the time frame, but again when people switch off their feelings on someone they can very well enter in a new relationship right after.

I'll follow your advices and work on myself. As I said earlier my biggest concern is seeing her/him every single fucking day and weekend evenings, and it's impossible to keep my cool. Just too fucking soon to be "fine and relaxed" around them. Just hope it doesn't screw up my social circle as I have tons of friendly acquaintances but very few friends here.

For now, I guess, the gym is my best friend!

Final thoughts (that I maybe shouldn't even have, but my brain is still buzzin):
- Her bday is in 3 weeks. NC?
- Already planned a trip for her best friend's bday to Ibiza in May, with about 20 people from uni. Some of them (minority) are cool guys closer to me than her. But the group will probably be together a lot. I'm not very confident in still going or not.

Again thank you all for your answers, reading some answers here about broken dudes topics I wasn't expecting 100% understanding and supportive messages Cool community

Dude e confident firstly about her bday, consider it over but u could celebrate her bday cuz u have guys history.

secondly go this vacation with a close dude of yours and game on other chicks. It is really easy there to get a girl.

lastly be confident, u can get over with only way that be confident and believe yourself, the pain which does not kill, makes you stronger.

Get other chicks.

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

WTF dicemaster??? This is probably the first post that you haven't piggybacked off of that isn't batshit crazy. It's actually pretty good advice.

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Fuck the best friend.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

thx Jack, try to improve myself

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

You acted a pathetic mess. Nothing PUA about it. You gamed yourself right out of a relationship.