I've been together with this lady(she is only 18, I am 21) for over three months; have no major complaints about our relationship: sex was good, she was lovely and caring etc. But I made a few mistakes that made her break up with me. I didn't overreact, acted indifferent and simply said It was ok, stopped contacting her and was moving on. A few days later, she then came saying she wanted me back. I then decided to give It another try, on my terms.

But in the break up period both her mother and mine had a very heated argument, and they stopped talking to each other. The SPAM her mother always gave me didn't change(she always treated me well), but she said to my face that my relationship with her daughter wouldn't be the same and we would be better off not together anymore.

Girlfriend is now confused and told me we should give It time so that maybe her mother will change her mind. Yeah, the girl is very attached to and highly dependent on her mother. I know you guys will find all this stupid and just tell me to move on, that I am being a idiot, but the problem is I still have feelings for her(no, It's not oneitis), though I never told her how I felt. She's a HB10, smart, extremelly good-looking, even taller than me. I am her first boyfriend(yeah, her mother is very protective).

We have talked only two times in more than a week. I have been avoiding contact with her, I only messaged her on SPAM two days ago to talk about our relationship's future, where she mentioned about "giving It time", as I already said above. She has not talked to me since.

Should I try to talk to her mother? Or give It the time she wants and wait until she contacts me? Or forget all this and just move on?

I would like to at least keep the sex coming, but I don't want to contact her and make her feel like I am pushing It or make her think that I am needy.

Any advice?

- As for the mistakes, I think that I was maybe too available, clingy and acted insecure a few times when I shouldn't have. When I say "on my terms", I mean that she also made mistakes, similar to those that I made, and that we had to work on that.

- Regarding the mother, that's what pisses me off. Her problem was with my mother alone, not with me. - Both of them had a stupid argument over something trivial. But for some reason, she took It personally that her daughter should stop dating me. Go figure.

- She wants to give It time so that her mother can think and maybe change her mind.

- As I said, she is dependent on her mother, she still lives with her. That's the whole problem: her mother has always wanted to control her life; the poor girl couldn't even go to a party with her friends, her mother had to go as well. And yeah, when I would take her out, the mother had go with us.

Sad situation, how codependent the two are on each other. Its not yours to fix.

Ask yourself if its worth it or not in the long haul, seeing as the mother is part of the package in any decision she makes.

Red flag. Your girlfriend isn't an adult yet. Find another girl that will look to her mother for dating advice but not making the decisions on who she's dating.

_________________
mpuaforum.proboards.com

Forgot to mention she has a communication problem; throughout our relationship, she would rarely call or text me. It bothered me in the start, but I eventually got used to It. Things were great when we were together and she never refused to hang out with me.

Now something got me curious, her SPAM status reads: "It's not that I am self-absorbed, It's all about self-love". What is It that supposed to mean? Is she implying that since I am not chasing her, I therefore don't like her? No, she doesn't have self-steem issues, quite the contrary.

I was thinking about sending her a message saying "I love myself too, but It doesn't stop me from saying that I do feel like seeing you, but the problem is you mother might not like It and things can get worse."

Maybe this not the best strategy, I could just go on "no contact", but I think a little bit of talking is not gonna hurt.

What do you guys think?

Translation "I am taking care of myself right now, and that is the kindest thing I can do for myself"

Frankly, this relationship is not going to last so I'll just give general advice.

At a certain point, as a man.... as an adult, you have to know what you tolerate and want, and stick to it. Fuck your gfs mom, fuck your gf, fuck whoever. For eg, if a chicks mom had told me that i'd have said ,"with all due respect Mrs. X, your daughter's and mine relationship has nothing to do with you and my mom's petty shit. What you 2 (both mom's) have going on, is your business, has nothing to do with us. Now, if you want to bring that into MY relationship, then I'm not going to play that game and your daughter would be better with someone who wants that kind of relationship." Then I'd call her daughter in the room and told her if her mom's issue with my mom is gonna have even a 0.0000001% bearing on our relationship, we should just call it quits. Thanked them both and left.

You cant waste time playing someone else's game and you gotta draw the line right there, instead of hoping her mom gives you permission for something that she has no right to in the first place. You might lose the girl. Fuck her. The mom may be pissed. Fuck her too. She's the one with the problem. Stand up for yourself and walk, rather than bend and hope. How can any woman see you as a man, when you bend to nonsense? Your gf is already fucked up; she's dependent on her mom. Now you're dependent on her mom too,

Or...you can go to the mom, butter her up, take her side, maybe buy her something, tell her her daughter means so much to you and your mom is wrong...and she may take the flattery and let you date her daughter. Up to you how you want to live. As a boy or as a man.

I will talk to my "girlfriend" today and set things straight. I don't think that just walking away from her life without uttering a word is a mature thing to do. Let's hear what she has to say.

It seems she wants to move on, I will help her on that.

I will keep you guys updated.

Thanks!

So, I contacted her yesterday, and indirectly asked If she was moving on. She said she wasn't. Then I decided to test her level of interest: I asked her to come to my house, without her mother's permission. She agreed and two hours later we had sex like in the good old times. Her mother found out she wen't to my house and wasn't very pleased about that. Grlfriend said she didn't care that much. Well, we have a little bit of improvement at last.

But one thing is bugging me: girlfriend still won't initiate contact. It's like she doesn't even care.

Where do I go from here?

Any advice?

Assumption. That's your issue, you're THINKING and its affecting your emotions. Your job to bring that up with her (not in an accusatory way). Identify your need and the associated feeling, without bring her into it.

@n2thevoid

Would you be ok to be in a relationship where you're the one doing everything? The girl won't even initiate one conversation. She won't ask you to come over. She does nothing. However, when you two are together, everything is perfect, and she approves almost everything you decide for both of you. Even so, you like the girl and want things to work out.

Isn't that kind of frustrating? How would you go about that?

This is your dynamic. She follows your lead. What you don't like is an extension of what you do like.

_________________
mpuaforum.proboards.com

Nope. I'd move on to find somebody else willing to meet my needs.

But the bigger question is 1) are you in-touch with your needs, and 2) have you conveyed this in direct language to your girlfriend? if not, you have to take full accountability for this pattern.


For example, "I feel sad because I have a need for mutuality and its not being met." followed by what meeting that need looks like, and how she could help you meet it.

I wonder what's going on for her that she doesn't initiate. You could look at that first, the answer may surprise you. Perhaps she feels a great deal of fear (feeling) that her mother may catch her contacting you, or that somehow she's betraying her in doing so. In this instance the need could be safety/security.

Do you see how empathizing with her all of a sudden alters how you feel? This just reinforces how we confuse evaluations and judgments (of what someone else is DOING to us) with observation.

So when you focus on what may be going on for the other person, and empathize it really disarms any anger, and you really get to the root of the issue faster and a place where you can both meet each other's needs.



If you want to actually make a change for the better and willing to put the effort in, watch Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication. Refrain from contacting this girl for at least the next 3 hours.

It will change your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64

Whenever I read these threads, I tend to not look at what's being said, but whats NOT being said. What's being danced around, typically signals something the guy is embarrassed about and how invested he is into making the rs work over getting relevant advice.
This is very vague and its most likely a huge missing piece as this is why she broke up with you. Details on how you were too available, how you were clingy, how she reacted, how it resolved. And saying she makes similar mistakes is just confusing and more vague, as she is not contacting you first and actually broke up with you. Knowing exactly what happened can help you get advice on whether its related to the lack of contact, and mom shit. Whats typically behind this vagueness is the guy doesnt want to be told "damn she did that, move on."
I like this view, but I think it may be incorrect, just because OP's stated this was going on before the 2 mom's fallout. I dunno, maybe her age or codependency with mom? Maybe shes just not accustomed with dating? But whatever the case yes it should be communicated.