Hey guys,

Firstly, I used to have an account on this forum 6-7 years ago and I found it very useful as well as I used to give advice here myself. It was "the game" that helped me get into this relationship and it's always been a huge part of me.
However in the last year everything dramatically changed. From being absolutely 100% compatible we are on the verge of breaking up right now.

It all started last January (2015) when she felt she was lacking something in her life and re-started professional career as an athlete. Due to specificity of my own profession it so happened I became her coach and her career became very fruitful and successful. However, all this lead to constant arguments, harsh words and insults. We both ended up in a relationship of convenience. Before that I found her quite boring and even though she's physically attractive I didn't have any desire to have sex with her.

Long story short it all lead to a serious chat 3-4 weeks ago when we decided to break up. However that never ACTUALLY happened as I felt the need to try to save the relationship and after a long night of chatting we wrote down some rules of what needed to be changed and adjusted. Since then our coach-player relationship has been adjusted as we got another coach involved and I feel like I've made the effort and changes on my part. So much so I feel like I gave her a lot of control. I also feel she didn't return the favour and after chatting to her just there she still wants to go on a break. Personally it's either a break up or staying together and making the effort but the rational explanations just don't work on her.

We had sex since the original "break up" and it was the best it's ever been but the "spark" isn't there. We both want this relationship to work (she thinks going on the break is the solution and I say it's her making more effort).

I really feel like I've done everything I could to try to save it and I have clear conscious regardless of the outcome. I want this relationship to survive but there is no way I am going on a break and just waiting for her to make up her mind. If break is to happen - I'll be out there scoring other girls in order to forget and move on.

How to save/salvage the most of out this situation? What am I missing? What else can I do?

I think it's important to mention she's struggling with her career at the moment and her health is a bit of an issue (has some sort of ongoing infection doctors can't figure out - not life threatening but very uncomfortable to live with).

What to do!!

A chaplain that's been in military service for 30 years counseling ppl told me I have to ask myself 2 questions about life when making important choices; 1) will I regret the decision later? 2) am I satisfied with where I am now?

I'm gonna sound like a raging homo for saying it but you have to do what your heart wants. Almost everything I read says you want to walk away as you're no longer happy.

How can you consider being in a relationship with someone you don't want to have sex with... is that not the main point of labeling yourself as such? A monogamous sexual relation.

Well I'm definitely not happy with where I am but I don't know if I'm going to regret this decision or not. Sexual desire is there, I find her more attractive now than ever (I think it's got to do with the fact she's putting more "resistance").

I suppose I look at it as a failure if we separate. I hate failure.
I know what's the right thing to do but for some reason my "heart" is holding me back (or whatever else it is)

I think the break is a good idea. A break will help you realize if you have something good or not. It lets you sort your thoughts. Since the break is mutual, neither of you could have any qualms about hooking up with others.

It's likely fear of future uncertainty and your previous investment/time with her that is causing you to want to hold on. Again, time is the only way to let go of that. I suggest sorting your thoughts on paper and making a list of pros and cons.

There are always 2 ways of looking at something. Yes you lost a relationship, but you gained an experience. Some of the most beautiful things have come from "failure."

When I set it straight - meaning "we either give it a go or break up" she said she doesn't want to break up - she just wants a break and some time to think about everything and see where she is. To me it's obvious she doesn't want to break up but I'm fed up with her not making the effort. I'm still tempted to propose a make it or break it kind of a deal but not really sure how to put it together. Any ideas? Thanks for your input man

I'm confused... So you found her boring before last year? And what are the arguments about? Maybe you could write on how the relationship was?

Only in the last year I started finding her boring, she wasn't much of a challenge. Arguments are mostly about her career and work. We never had any major issues before she took up sport as her career. We moved in together at the age of 24 so we've been in a very close relationship throughout that time. I honestly feel if it wasn't for the whole sporting career things would have been just fine. I am not putting her in position of having to choose either or and to be honest I'll probably still work with her as a coach if we break up.

Long story short we both thought we were "made for each other". I have been very harsh with words in the last few months but I feel she's let me down just as much. I think she blames me for where we are right now and I told her she's just as much at guilt. No logic will work with her though.

I am fairly confident (or either hopeful?) that if we break up she'll come back chasing but once it's over - it's over for good on my side.

I appreciate your time pal, thanks.

Thanks for the additional details. But specifically what are the arguments about? Her work and career are vague answers. Are you starting arguments about her work? Is she? How do these arguments typically start. Also you say she hasn't been much of a challenge since she switched careers. How is that not a new dynamic that would make her at least not boring? Added to the arguments, it's strange that it got boring when change was introduced along with arguments. What kinda challenge from your woman are you looking for?

She can't accept criticism she isn't good enough at what she does sometimes or that she makes mistakes. She's also been one hell of a person to live with but after constant arguments over that I just decided not to care. I coach her and as her coach I let that carry into the relationship. However because she's good and has a massive potential in her discipline she thinks rainbow is shining out of her ass now. Well she wasn't much of a challenge as she'd just submit herself and do anything I'd ask her to do really. I guess it's down to low self esteem. I want a woman that I challenges me in a way that I have to try to win her over and over. I almost find her twice as attractive now having to have to work for this relationship once again. Change was introduced only 3 weeks ago when we decided to break up but in the end didn't actually go through with it.

There are moments where I am actually happy to let go of her and get back into the game but looking back at what we've had I was actually really happy in this relationship and we both were planning a future together.

My biggest worry is that when we break up she'll come back and try to win me over. At that stage I will have tried to forget about her and move on by scoring other girls. I've been in a similar situation once before and when the girl came around I was long gone. I'm just fed up trying to work this out without her making sufficient effort herself.

I just don't understand how she's gone from the most selfless and caring person to the most selfish and stuck in her own ways in a space of a year.

Ok. First of all, my words are nothing personal but just attempts to help. I read the posts multiple times to get a sense of things and draw conclusions.

Second, I find it weird when guys say women are acting illogical, yet the guy's actions and thinking seems more illogical than the chick.

That being said, I think it's you.

Relationship going well for 4 years. A year ago she changes to athlete. You coach her. Ok, as the coach, I gotta put the responsibility on you, for knowing your gf of FOUR years, knowing how she handles criticism, and to temper your criticism. And 4 years in, you should know that even if you are the best critic of her, if you know she will STILL react negatively to it, just not agreed to coach her.

On to her submitting and doing anything you ask making you get bored. So, you're with this girl 4 years...I can only assume she was submitting before her career change. But you say you were fine with that. If she went from not willing to submit, to willing to submit (hence you got bored), again, why coach her in the first place? And if she was always willing to submit, why would that NOW bore you? Either scenario doesnt make sense.

Then you say she wasn't challenging you, and you're more attracted due to the resistance? Well, the arguments were due to her RESISTING your criticism. When she challenges you or resists you, its arguments...but your issue is she's too ACCOMMODATING. I really hope you see how alot of this doesnt make sense. Plus, if she REALLY challenges you with a break, you've said you'll just move on. So are you really looking for resistance and a challenge? I really dont know how this girl can make you happy. If she makes you work, you'll move on. If she submits, you want a challenge. If you want a woman who will make you "win her over and over" how was she doing this for the 4 years? You have a problem with her low self esteem, but when she's confident, thats a problem too (ie rainbows coming out of her ass).
I think it's you. You were her coach, and you're very very hard on this girl. I can only imagine how hard you were as a coach. I really cant picture how this girl can make you happy, let alone the women who would. Dont get me wrong, when I first hear "break" I think this girl just wants to fuck someone else. And that could be the case. But whats glaring to me is I'm unable to figure out what your problem is with this girl. I dont know if you want the caring gf you had a year ago, or the girl who is challenging you now and you're more attracted to her.

When a girl wants a break like this, if she's not looking for a quick dick or two, its because you've really hurt her. And I can see how harsh words can hurt her, but how was she hurt you? Be honest, who was starting these arguments? Who said worse to who? And what do you want? When she does whatever you want, you dont want that, when she is stuck in her ways, you dont want that too.

That is a real eye opener and I've read it over and over. With everything you said and everything she said it makes sense. I honestly doubt she's after a quick dick. I also see how most of it doesn't make sense - looking at it in hindsight I am pretty mind fucked with this new perspective. I don't think I've appreciated enough what I had for the 4 years and now that's it gone I am trying to have it. There are issues I have with her but that doesn't really matter right now. I feel as if we're both guilty - she wasn't holding back in the arguments either but I definitely could handle it better. I would have started the arguments 75% of the time.

What I want is to have it the way it used to be - even though it's probably not possible. I am not going to look back and think about what she did wrong because frankly I do not want to bring that up - I won't whine. Do you think it's worth saving or just move on? I also feel like I've gone into a serious relationship very early and never really got a chance to experience enough dating or even one night stands enough. I really enjoy her company but not in the way it is. I just can't make up my mind and I am out of ideas as to how to save it. I've tried honesty, I've tried just letting her go and I've tried being the nice guy which I should have been at the time when arguments weren't necessary instead of being a dick. I did say if she wants a break - go for it but I'll consider it a break up and I won't just wait around for her which she doesn't want. She said she wants some time away and I do think it's not just about me but what's going on with her career (she's been out of action for 7 months now suffering from some infections that haven't been dealt with yet). I always was and will be trying to support her - I'm just not sure if it'll be as a friend, coach or boyfriend.

Vague feelings and needs, dangerous situation.

Until you find out specifically what those needs are its all just speculation and becomes a manipulative game.

What a paradox. You're feverishly trying to save a relationship, yet declare a need for sexual variety.

Sounds like you're also taking on way too much of the responsibility in the relationship and trying to 'fix' somethings she's really not on board to fix. This won't ever work. You have to respect her need for space, too early to forecast what role u'll play in her life OR even u'll want her around once the attachment has been severed.

I don't understand what it is that's holding me back from just moving on. I know what needs to be done but I'm still waiting for a change of mind on her part. Does it make any sense at all to give her "space" and she moves out from our apartment and I wait around until she figures it out? Why is she trying to save this relationship (according to her) by moving apart? I personally think it's stupid and won't work as I'll just try to move on and forget.

Don't you think her wanting to move out seems a little bit strange? Sounds more like she wants to move out and then break up just to avoid things getting awkward and you trying to convince her to keep the relationship going again.

I sincerely question that you BOTH want things to work. You guys were set to break up, but it was you that kept things together. Now it's her that wants a break, but it's you trying to prevent it. Although you say the opposite, I think that you know the truth is that once she is able to get away then she will stay away.

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