Quote:
Quote:
Ok. Few things jumped out at me.
1) "Cold" and "distant" are evaluations (or assumptions) of the way someone's being towards you, you aren't in her head (but you're entirely stuck in yours) so stick to your felt-state rather than trying to mind read. If you define "cold" and "distant" to yourself, that will be a better place to work from when addressing a need to another. Evaluative words will almost always make a person defensive, not a great way to have a conversation about needs. For example, "cold" may mean she's responding less to your initiating contact - you can simply express that to her as an observation rather than evaluating what she's doing TO you.
2) it sounds as though she'd gotten a case of cold feet and had an 'oh shit' moment and pulled the e-brake up a bit. That's fine, you can't FORCE someone to be vulnerable with you, that's her process and you would be well served in respecting that IF in fact you want to pursue a relationship with this person.
3) NEVER do anything for someone out of any energy other than you would a gift. You made her something for V-day, that in no way obligates her to return the favour, sorry. Your expectations were out of line and you did it expecting something in return; how is that truly a gift?
She's being less responsive because you've made things heavy (declaring you want a relationship with her so soon, giving her the so-called gift which i can guarantee she felt had strings attached, and now I can already tell you're embarking upon a passive-aggressive game to see her next move.
All of these things are going to push her away and get you more of what you don't want.
My advice? Switch gears and invest back in yourself, its what makes a man attractive anyway. Women don't want to feel a guy is more invested in her than he is in himself, its a surefire way of killing attraction. Also, investing in yourself means you are checking-in less with her and gives an air of intrigue and mystery to you. Now you're being predictable and most women have seen this pattern with various guys over their dating careers. You're falling into that mold, so hopefully u'll heed my advice before you slip down the proverbial rabbit hole.
Lastly, be aware that NOBODY is responsible for your happiness or salvation, rather, a relationship provides you with an opportunity to become more CONSCIOUS. Whatever crap you have dormant in you, when you're involved with another, all that stuff will come-up. Its your choice whether you choose to numb yourself and become more unconscious, or use the opportunity to practice presence and become a more self-aware person.
Thanks n2thevoid for the advice. In terms of checking in less, I've ceased doing the "good mornings/nights" and done more random/sporadic texts throughout the day, otherwise how do you go about checking in less?
For example, right now she's sick and I've sent a couple messages to her to make sure she's doing alright. Should I not check in on her today after messaging with her yesterday (when she was feeling sick?)
Also we see each other at most once or twice a week and I usually do the planning in terms of logistics and etc. So for this weekend, should I pull back and not even initiate a "let's meet up this weekend"? I'd really like to hear your (and anyone else's input) so that I can break away from the mold.
What you can do is check-in with yourself before you contact her "am I doing this out of scarcity or abundance?" or, another way to think of it as "do I need to scratch an attachment itch, or am I doing this out of 'love'?"
If its out of scarcity, or an (insecure) attachment, meditation often does the trick. It's the best way I can think of to slow things down and take control back for yourself/get back to a grounded place quickly. Alternatively you could go for a walk, or do something else active to discharge some energy, or read a book (Rewire Your Brain for Love: Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness is a REALLY good one for building awareness of your attachment pattern(s) and how to deal with it) ... the point is to create a brief pause or slow things down a bit until you're out of that reactive state and your judgment centres in your brain come back on line.
Just to clarify, when it comes to contacting her I am not saying don't, i am just saying to CHECK IN with yourself as to why you are doing so, and be brutally honest about it, as I'd mentioned before ("scarcity" vs "abundance"). It's more the energy you're emitting and emoting that can be off putting when you are in that scarce state.
CHAT