Hi guys! Please don't let the size of this plea for help and suggestions steer you away from reading! You have no idea how much I would appreciate any suggestion!

So I'm going to cut right to the chase... my girl is best friends with this guy, who she dated soon before we met... In fact the night we met he was trying to get back with her. He cheated on her and has been sleeping around quite a bit since, being a dick to the girls he sleeps with.. I went to high school with him and know he is a major dickhead. Not really a guy you want hanging around your girl, but of course she doesn't see that side of him and sees him being a funny guy, who "Is on the same humor wave length as her, who gets her and shares a lot of similarities with her".... My girl and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and this has been a problem for me pretty much since the beginning of our relationship.

She was friends with him prior to meeting you, and while it is her prerogative who she remain friends with, I can certainly understand your concern. It appears to me that she's playing against one of your rules to not befriend an ex. This is about your feeling secure with her/your insecurity. That said, if this guy is running game on her/trying to 'woo' her then you've got every right to be concerned. Beyond that, this may be a bit of a cautionary tale about her and what I mean by this is that she's maintaining a friendship with somebody who clearly mistreated her. And while I am all about forgiveness, continuing on with a person who'd done you wrong generally indicates poor boundaries (that doesn't mean she'd necessarily cheat on you, nor is keeping this guy around as an orbiter; that much we don't know).


I have talked to her countless times about the fact that it doesn't make me feel comfortable having her ex still in the picture, especially because of the dick he is and that they are so close... Her standard reply is that they barely dated.. It was like a week before he cheated on her and she didn't even have feelings for him. It was mainly peer pressure and her feeling sorry for him or some shit..

Peer pressured and or/ feeling sorry for him drove her to date him? Not buying it. That's classic deflecting.

I tell her he isn't a great guy, not only from my personal experiences with him but with most peoples view about him, my friends and people who know him. But shes set on keeping him as a really close friend. Once she said that she would distance herself from him because she knows how much it bothered me... her distancing lasted about a month. She used an excuse of how she was close to his bestfriend and when she saw his bestfriend, he was always there... Now there is no excuse of his bestfriend... they close again

Sounds like lingering attachment issues to me. She seems dead-set on keeping him, and as the old adage goes on this board "be willing to walk away" especially if one of your values is compromised and you clearly aren't feeling secure in this relationship, nor have been since day 1. Is it worth investing further into is something I'd likely be asking myself at this point.

She is a very independent girl, so I personally think the story of her feeling sorry for him by making him her boyfriend or because of peer pressure is bullshit..

That's because it is. And I can say this with a high degree of certainty.

even though she is determined that was the reason. I think she definitely had feelings for him... Which doesn't bother me in that way, I had feelings for many girls before I met her. I just have a thought she still has feelings for him, which she says she doesn't, they just friends. But they constantly talk to each other on SPAM, honestly never stop, and she actually sends me messages supposed to go to him (which you have no idea how much that pisses me off because of how silly and flirty they seem).. they meet up whenever they can, although not very much because they both busy... (The other day he got really bleak with her because she said she didn't want to go to a party he was going to, she asked me for ideas to give her for excuses, which I did, she used them.. Then went anyways.) And They constantly tagging each other on things on facebook as well...

The nature of the relationship could be more a brother/sister sorta thing. I do have a similar relationship with an ex I'd spent 6 years with. I am not sure what you define as "flirty", but if that truly is the case than I'd say that's highly disrespectful to you

I know I am sounding like a really jealous and desperate dude right now.. But i have been feeling this way for so long and haven't had a chance to vent to someone besides her about it.

You've felt this way for quite a long time, and you're now expressing it and getting in touch with some heavy emotions. It comes down to is this YOUR issue to deal with or is there inherently something going on with her behavior that's naturally INFLUENCING you (having gut reactions) that something's not right.

Another thing that bothers me is that I am fine with her going on my phone and reading any texts from anyone.. the minute I pick up her phone, she gets serious with me and says its just personal stuff... give it back. I completely respect the fact that people have personal stuff on their phones and dont mind her not letting me go through her phone, but with this whole thing on the side, it makes me wonder...

I don't think its healthy to be going through each other's stuff, period. It often indicates distrust, not trust. If I trust my partner what rationale would I have to look at her FB, phone etc unless we were running a business together or some other extenuating circumstance.

I am sick of having him around!

Please tell me... is it wrong for me to want him completely out the picture? Is it childish I dont feel comfortable at all with him being close to her? What can I do or say to her about this whole thing?

Seems to be he's part of the package. If you can't live with that, move on. Granted you hadn't 'caught' her in any lie from what I'd read, the question remains do you have any reason to not trust her apart from your feelings about the situation? You know better than anyone else.

Thanks in advance guys

2. "The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away and mean it" ...she's making you unhappy, and unless she's a retard she should know you're not happy with it, even if you've pretended that you are... why should you stick around? Either walk instantly, or tell her "look I'm not cool with you meeting your ex. I don't think you'd be cool if it was the other way either"

This. I can relate to your insecurity, but it is based on something.

OK here's the problem: If you never SAID that it's against the rules and NOT OK with you, then from her perspective she hasn't done anything wrong, because you're not saying anything, you're enabling them.

The best way to approach this is to ask her to be up front with you about it. The true test of her commitment to you is her ability to be honest with you.

Ex's can part ways, and remain friends. This is way beyond acquaintances.

She may just be feeding her lust for attention, that lust will grow stronger, on one end or the other. And it will cross the line. The truth always reveals itself in time.

This is obviously a big problem for you... and you have a choice.

You don't have to accept this if you don't want to.

I also agree that he's her emergency dick, incase of a fight or breakup.