I've only just started dating this girl properly, but we've been seeing each other for about 5 months and she recently said, "look at this" and showed me a Facebook conversation on her phone where an old bf asked her if she was with anyone, she said she had a bf and he respectfully said something like "ah, OK, I was going to ask you if you wanted to get a coffee, but don't worry, wouldn't want to be disrespectful" (or something along those lines), but she replied with something like "we could get a coffee anyway". She voluntarily shows me the full conversation and I, not wanting to be controlling or needy, said that I didn't mind as long as there weren't any feelings there, she said there wasn't and that he'd got a bit pudgy anyway. They chatted a bit longer about what they were doing, that he was going to be a cockail maker and she should bring a friend over where he could make them one.. I don't remember how she responded to that though.

I'm obviously not completely happy with this, its an ex boyfriend.. With hind sight I think I would change the way I responded and would have told her I was a bit uncomfortable with it.

I'm not sure what I should really do now, just wanted some advice really and wanted to ask if I was alone in not being completely comfortable with the situation and if I should do/have done something to make the situation better without coming across controlling or needy.

There are always fellings OP.

I wouldn't like for my girlfriend to meet with her past guys. Actually, it's a matter from person to person, but if you don't FEEL like it, then tell her straight:"I honestly don't like that idea".


That's it. She even probably senses that you don't like it, but you are letting her slide. You are losing your "man points" here. NOT because she sees her ex, but because you are going against yourself.

Don't argue, just STAND your ground. Be a man that's congruent with his opinions.

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Set your boundaries. If this isn't acceptable to you, then you don't allow for it to happen. There is a line between being insecure and deciding appropriate behavior in order to be with you. If you're saying you don't want this to happen because of fear that she'll do something behind your back, it's insecurity. If you're saying you don't want this happen because your opinion is that it's not appropriate, let her know because it's against what you want. If she decides to do it anyway, you know how much she respects you.

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I see he is also inviting her to his place where he can MIX DRINKS FOR HER (oh and her g/f...maybe). F U C K THIS. Draw the line man. You know you want to.

Thanks for the advice, its just good to know I'm not over reacting. You're all right, I mean, ideally, she would have turned him down of her own accord, but that didn't happen unfortunately. I'm pretty secure in the relationship, but none the less, as you say JackZero, I'd just rather it not happen.

I guess a one off coffee to catch up is OK, but anything more regular wouldn't be cool, and yea cocktails is too much, I agree oceanx.

The thing is now, how do I bring the subject up again?, I've already said that I was OK with it, so to go back on what I said isn't great.. How to I approach this conversation?

"I've been thinking about your ex that messaged you, and thinking more about it, I'm not sure I am comfortable with the idea, coffee is alright if you just want to catch up, but cocktails is a bit too much"

Meh, not sure, any thoughts?

Thanks for the advice, its good to get an outside opinion!

I know this is a bit of an unpopular opinion, but I'd be fine with it.

Ex's are ex's for a reason, and in the grand scheme of things if my girl can't control herself / recognize what's best for her, then she wouldn't deserve being my girl in the first place. It's a win-win for me.

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If you're not secure enough to say how you feel.... Then you are insecure. Someone who is confident approaching doesn't ask what to approach with. Just saying.

Like rc I won't have a problem with it... But it's disrespectful. So id have a problem with the disrespect. As the ex said it was. But she accepted hence disrespecting you. Personally... I won't tell her anything... She can go to his and mix drinks. But when she came back and won't hear from me. I dont have time to explain to a chick that that's inappropriate and if I have to then why is she my gf

I'd probably be OK with it, given her openness about it...

However I agree with some of the others... If this bothers you - SAY SO. You're in a relationship...

Thanks for your opinions, nice to hear the opposing ones too. Just wondering HOW I approach the conversation now, like, how do I bring it up again, casually, without it being weird?

Neo87, I appreciate your point of view, however I'm not asking for a debate on how secure I am in my relationship, just asking for advice how to reapproach the subject.

This is an odd question. It's your girlfriend that's doing something that you don't approve of and you're worried about how she perceives you because you want to talk about it. I don't want to debate how secure you are, but this says a lot. I'm not trying to be a smart ass, but I think you should think about how secure you are in the relationship before you reopen this conversation because she will put you through the ringer if you can't back yourself up when you put your foot down. Imagine how that will turn out when she has to tell her ex that you don't want them to meet up. Next thing you know she will be explaining to you how it "just happened".

Just start off by saying, "I was thinking about this and..."

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Been Here before with Ex she was just saying ''Hi'' to (every night )on Facebook.
heres my 2 cents
first its facebook, then its texting, then calling at times when he knows you are there--say weekends when u are meant to be having fun time with her and dont want to hear from romeo., next comes the accidental bump into each others on the street.then one coffee, then regular coffees--see where we are going, next thing shes talking about you and her relationship with him

Its the salami slicer.

Dump her ass right now. I learnt the hard way. your going to have to do it anyway and the sooner you do it the less of a mangina you will feel--and dont listen to her your jealous,paranoid, overreacting crap either.

he knocked on her door, out of respect for you she should have said no thanks ,instead she opened it and talked to him in the hall way, fuk her off before hes snogging her on your sofa

Ask to see her phone, that will be everything you need.

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Thanks JackZero, I get what you're saying. Not really sure how to clarify; wouldn't say I'm insecure, but that doesn't mean to say I want to make a big deal of it or come across weird about it. Just want it to come across in the best way it can, dunno, perhaps that is a bit of insecurity..

I guess I've never had to have a conversation like this with a girl before, and I'm not the controlling sort, so I don't really know how to approach it. So I guess that's the advice I'm after really?

Thanks for getting what I was saying when pointing out being concerned how she perceives your honest thoughts comes from an insecure place. As I said I won't mind it but a girl who respected you and the relationship would have said no thanks or let me discuss it with my bf first cause she won't want to possibly do something you'd have a problem with... not "sure we can." These are the little things that signal a girl doesn't care that much. Look at it this way... She's secure enough to tell a guy yes and show you. You're concerned with not appearing controlling. You're concerned how to approach it. Was she concerned with how you'd feel or what you'd think? No. Check that dynamic in your relationship.

I can see what you're saying, so how do I go about rectifying that, and any advice how to approach the subject.

Do I go for fact based, like "I'm not sure I like the idea you meeting with him, because its a bit disrespectful and why do you feel the need to" or some other approach? I guess I just don't want her thinking that I'm making a big deal out of it and how to keep it short and sweet really.