Hey guys, I met an awesome girl about 4 months ago and we clicked right away. I am 30 yrs old, living the bachelor life, and was at the height of, or at least on the ascent up to, being at the top of my pick-up game. I was not looking for a serious relationship when we met and did not do mushy gushy things from the get-go. We gradually fell for one another and started spending 2-3 days a week together cooking dinner, grabbing drinks, going out, etc. We never had the gf/bf talk because it was never needed, as we both enjoyed each other's company and it was implied. We got STD tested and began unprotected sex, another sign of something more intimate and serious. Early on, I was falling into my mode of not letting anyone in since I equated that with serious relationship stuff and wanted to enjoy my bachelor life. She told me that by opening up and sharing and such doesn't mean we'll be bf/gf or get married ASAP, she just wants to know who she's spending time with. So I decided to open up and this was the 1st time in 2 years I've done so, since my previous ex-gf of 3 years. Things were great the entire time, never any fights, never any pressure about anything from either of us. Very organic, slowly-growing healthy relationship. Neither of us was seeing anyone else. She also met my family about a month ago, and this was not rushed or forced yet totally natural. So last weekend I notice her getting a bit distant and aloof via text, not typical behavior for her. I let it slide, not thinking much. On Wed, she came over, as I was making dinner for us, and said we need to talk. She said she doesn't want to hurt me. She sees herself doing gf things and this is the only way she knows how to be. When we 1st met, she wasn't expecting anything more than a fun date or 2, def not something this serious. She's been in relationships her whole life..all thru h.s., then a 6.5 yr relationship that ended a year ago (the latter 3 years of which she lost herself and only took care of her bf--making sure dinner was made, laundry, etc..--mommy stuff)..then she dated someone for a few months and she was single for a week prior to meeting me. Long story short, we had planned outings this past Sat- went to a concert - and tonight went to another event which we got tickets for a month ago. At the end of the night, I told her what she said to me about not wanting to hurt me is preventing me from keeping things how they have been. She felt like I was making her my gf and I guess freaked out bc she needs to find herself and has never been alone. I told her we were on the same page, as in I was in no rush but now that she voiced her emotions, I have a sour taste in my mouth and cant keep things the way they are. Im not mad at her, and we both have feelings for each other. It just suks bc she says she cant be what I need right now bc she has to find herself 1st and I guess that means being alone. My question is----we left on good terms, no fight, just kind of a few tears shed and a "take care". Also said that I saw her as a potential gf/wife at some point and she felt the same. What's the best course of action for me to take going forward? She says she is broken and needs to be alone to find herself. I didn't see her as broken, so this is probably scars from past relationships that are eating away at her. I know I shouldn't reach out to her, etc...Any advice on how to possibly salvage this relationship with it still maintaining that natural feel? I am usually pretty good with stuff like this giving advice out, it just sucks when you have a tight knot in your chest and feel like "Damn, why does something that was going so good get detoured?" All due to a stray thought in her head and her freaking herself out. Appreciate any and all advice/insight. Thanks a ton!

A problem shared is half solved bro. Do you think she truly feels the same way as you feel or wants the same things as you? In my opinion, you should respect her feelings, give her space so she can find herself as she requests. The more you try to make logic with her in order to win her over, the more you come across as being needy and creepy which are number one attraction killers. Be a man with many options and am sure she will come back wanting more.

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She got out of the relationship before it gets too serious. She either have still feelings for an ex or she is not that into you.
I don't buy it that it is previous relationship scars that stop her from committing. Unless she went through domestic violence from an ex she can get over the past easily as soon as she finds someone that she really likes.
If she still have feelings for an ex you have hope. Because when it wears off you can start from the beginning. If despite being 4 months with you she is not that attracted to you there is even lower chance she'll want to come back. And if she does come there'll be always a chance that she'll leave you when she finds someone that she finds more interesting.
Just let it go and move to another woman if you don't want drama in the future.

Good for you for actually communicating with this girl instead of trying to game her.

You don't game your girlfriend... And while it appears she wasn't actually formally a girlfriend, you both thought you were a couple anyway.

The way you left it keeps the door open in the future... and I think you may find that after a couple months she's blowing up your phone to meet for drinks and some sex, etc.

I think there are 2 possibilities for why she pulled a 180 on you...

1) She never wanted a relationship... and when she got a whiff of commitment she panicked. If this is what happened, she probably just needs to settle down a bit and work shit out in her mind.

The other possibility is one you won't want to hear...

2) There's another guy. An ex maybe?

Regardless, if you see a future with this girl, give her space.

The problem for her isn't an ex---she is over that part of her life, not someone that she would ever go back to. In fact, the reason she is hesitant and not ready to enter a relationship is bc she's always been in one her entire life and only knows how to do gf things and this scares her. She said after her 6 yr relationship with the guy after and even during the long one, she hid in the relationship and never knew and still doesn't know what it is to be "alone." She needs to find her zen place and be comfortable in her own skin before she can make someone happy. The ex feedback from you guys is understandable, yet in this case, an ex is not the problem. It's a case of she feels like a whirlwind of emotions in her head and needs to sort them out, otherwise she doesn't have a clear cut goal with us and thus I see how she can just be going thru the motions at this point. It's ironic how the past 2 years I have given her speech to countless girls and left many broken hearts and tears behind, although I would never let it get to this serious of a point and crush a girl. Should I initiate ANY contact or respond to any texts from her is she sends any or just ignore any attempts on her end to reach out, friendly or more? Should I play a minor version of the jealousy card via social media, etc..? I know I have to go out and meet new prospects if only for the sole purpose of moving on at the moment and not have lingering oneitis. I know the girl developed feelings for me and the though of us getting serious RIGHT NOW scared her bc she set out to be alone literally 1 week prior to meeting me. She said she wishes she was ready for me. It's a case of bad timing. I don't want to sound naïve here. She knows I'm a great catch and her parents were asking when theyre finally going to meet me and everything just freaked her out all at once. Any tricks in the book to regain my frame back without seeming pretentious or trying too hard or just no contact nor subtle doings until she reaches out and suggests meeting up for drinks, etc..when and if she does? Thanks a lot for all the insights guys, means a lot. It feels like a small brick is off my shoulders just sharing this. This is a great online community and I am proud to be a part of it, where we strive to better ourselves and one another! Looking forward to sharing my insights on a lot of these posts in the near future, as soon as I regain my composure back! One love to all and keep the insights coming, they're helping tons!

If you walked on her shoes countless times you know better than anyone how she feels. You also know better what would someone needed to do to make you change your mind when you were giving that speech.
The answers are all within you. You need to think and act accordingly.
Also if you find those answers this please send me a message. I would be interested to learn more about your experience.

Maria, that is great advice - that I know what would affect how I feel towards a situation since I've been in her shoes. I thought about this, and I guess no convincing on a girl's part would have changed my mind, bc my reason for being a bachelor were to simply enjoy many experiences with Different girls. Not that anything was inherently wrong with the ones I was turning down for relationships, just that I wanted to continue to be a bachelor. So it's a bit tricky to apply that same mentality to her situation, as her reasons for wanting to be alone are different from mine. I would think that just giving her space and time and hoping that she finds peace within herself would be the only course to take.

This is not the first, nor last woman, who will walk out of your life. This is where things went astray, "On Wed, she came over, as I was making dinner for us..." You were catering to her and more deeply involved than she was.

In the U.S. we have a difficult time expressing intentions or emotions. In other nations, from an early age males and females make a declaration, "I like you," which leads to some date alone, where one or the other proposes, "will you be my boyfriend?" or "will you be my girlfriend?" It's followed by a yes or no answer. Everyone knows where they stand. In your case, the romance progressed beyond a fling but no one proposed.

This is a fine learning experience. Next time that you want to have a love affair with a woman, make that proposal or an assertion, "be my woman." It should be crystal clear thereafter.
On the other hand, the "I need to find myself" drivel is the vocabulary of a flake. Is there a workshop for flakes where that is taught? What does "I need to find myself" mean? In my years of experience, it means, "I need to find myself in the arms of a man with more money and already have." News flash, 30 years ago my 2nd girlfriend, after a 6 month romance, where she swore she loved me, ended because she had to "find herself." Heart-broken, I learned she had taken up with some older guy with fat money and wind boarding.

Never express profound intentions like she is a "a potential gf/wife" unless the woman has expressly indicated serious intentions and a track record of tending to you to merit that kind of consideration.

That she is "broken" is an indication of how irresponsible she is. She didn't care that she had not recovered from grieving a past love, but chose to draw deep affection from you without the capacity to reciprocate. In short, she led you on, did not care about the consequences until it was too late, but not for your sake, rather her own. You've been in her shoes, right?

In a few months, after this woman has "found herself" (if it's not another man), she will not remember the great person you are and will not look you up to pick up where you left off. She will be with another man. Ah, sweet sentimentality.

Going forward, build up you mental health and your life, and clarify your values. Review the steps that led you to this point. Keep a journal of what you learned. I'm old. Take from me, women do not improve with time. To survive, YOU must improve and be capable of seeing the signs, if not asking directly, "will you open your heart?"

Cheers.

This.

I hope I'm wrong, but I highly doubt that anything you do will change her mind. She's not that into you, and simply doesn't see you as a potential life partner for whatever reason. Give her some space and time, but don't put your hopes on getting her back, because she's probably gone forever.The quicker you move on, the quicker you'll find happiness again.

Coming from someone who doesn't live in the US and has lived in multiple countries outside the US, I disagree. Relationships aren't magically clear cut for non-US persons.
No offense buddy, but this kinda reeks of negativity and bitterness. People need to find what they want, and sometimes that means experimenting and yes, hurting other people's feelings. It doesn't always mean that the other person is bad or has bad or money grubbing motivations.

"¿Quieres ser mi novia/novio?" (Do you want to be my boyfriend/girlfriend?) is crystal clear as it creates in the recipient the power to accept or decline. "Relationships" is the problem. A man does not pursue abstractions like "relationships." A man conquers a mate. He sweeps her off her feet. He and she have a love affair if she accepts.

"Kinda?" Who uses frivolous vocabulary like that? Negligence is inexcusable. "Negativity" and "bitterness" are precisely the natural effluent of someone's negligent unbearable lightness of being. Indeed, in a world viewed without rose colored lenses, men have a full panoply of emotions, including anger, love, fear, jubilation, and, of course, indignation. A man must be responsible and be ready to confront whatever comes at him from an early age. He does not have the luxury of "finding himself." A man must know where he stands, make choices, and live with the consequences of his choices. A man, who is unaware of self, does so at his own peril. For a man, there is no alternative to having mettle.

Do tell us how often it does "mean that the other person is bad or has bad or money grubbing motivations?" I'll tell you myself...in my 36 years of dealing with women, it means it every time. This will come as a shock but this is a Pick Up Artist Forum where men are dealing with shrews, gold diggers, and women the caliber of which are found in a singles bar. Hence, the neg.

On the other hand, with good girls, you don't deal with "finding myself" flakiness because she levels with you from the beginning and has a sense of integrity.

All you needed to post here was..

" Relationship Ended Out of No where.

"Girlfriend said she can't give me what I'm looking for"

And that would've been all you needed to state for me to give you this response. Not only have I went through this myself, but I've received countless emails over the years all detailing the exact same story. There are really only 304 ways that all relationships end; and they all end for these same reasons.

NO one really needs to go into specifics. Long story short; you began to wimp up a bit and began being overtly sensitive and overly opening yourself up removing you from the essence of what you were the first few months. Its simple.

You want the girl back?

Do not contact her again and she'll contact you in 3 months or less to see "how you are" and thats when you ignore her first attempt to reach out and then casually respond on her second attempt. Not pushing for anything, just talking and letting her escalate the conversation.

Its becoming almost surreal how alike so many of these situations are and the remedy is always the same. You get a cold, drink ginger tea with honey. Same solution.

Now if you do contact her again you will ruin this process, I've contacted and not contacting.. The contacted girls didn't come back and the non contacted ones always did. always.

I know its tough to focus on other aspects of your life with a broken heart, but you'll have to do your best to push through. Everytime you visit her FB page, read old text threads you are slowing down your healing process - slowing down the likeness that you'll be ready to receive her when she's ready to return.

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This^

Work on yourself, not for the ambition of getting her, or any girl for that matter back, but to live a more enriched life. Here's your golden opportunity. If instead you ALLOW yourself to succumb to your attachment fear, you'll only reset the process of moving forward and potentially having another crack at a relationship with her (at which point you may even come to the conclusion that she's not 'the one'). Keep in mind that with each time you contact her (email, text, phone call, run-in etc) you've got to reset the moving-on process. EVEN if she doesn't respond to a text, for example, you're still satiating your attachment need and are only harming yourself.

Think of your attachment as an itch. Initially when you breakup that itch is strong, and then it subsides for a little bit only to get really strong, and then subsides etc... It'll wax and wane for a bit, until you get onto the other side of it; this will vary from individual to individual and circumstance to circumstance. The longer you can hold-out on scratching that itch, the better off you'll be.

I recommend removing yourself form her Facebook, and not viewing any of her social media content altogether. ANYTHING that'll re-instatiate that attachment won't help you at all. Whenever you feel as though you may do something foolish ask yourself "How is this behavior going to help me move forward?". This is where having life goals is crucial. Instead of proceeding with that potentially toxic behavior, instead shift to something that's working toward one of your goals - that may be getting in better shape so hitting the gym, or running around the block, or it may be enriching your interpersonal relationships with friends so hanging out with somebody preferably engaged in some sort of activity, maybe its painting or playing the guitar. You get the idea. The point is you're sublimating what may be a maladaptive behavior to a more adaptive one. You can do this, its all a matter of the choices you make.

Choose wisely (the road that takes more work but in the long run will yield better, and more lasting results).

Great feedback here guys! So it's been 5 weeks since last seeing one another in person. I've been displaying an active lifestyle on Facebook - going to different places, hanging with friends, boys and girls, etc..No sappy lovey posts, just positive stuff. No significant posts on her end - whatever was posted suggests her finding her inner self - themes. And no contact has been made on either of our ends for 4 weeks. My question is..should I de-friend her on FB at this point to potentially strike up something inside her or just leave things as they are? By defriending, it can look like 4 weeks have passed, I haven't reached out once..I'm not sad over the split, etc..there's just no need for us to be friends on FB so I make the move to unfriend. If I did it right away, then obviously I'm too hurt and care too much, but 4 weeks later? - seems like I'm over it and this is the final move to carry on? Or would it seem like I care still? Also, if I unfriend her, should I unfriend 3 of her other friends that I know (no one else other than them exist b/w us)? Or just her?

My goal is to obviously have her come to the decision to reach out on her own - I don't want to rush the process b/c I understand it wouldn't work for the best that way. But ultimately, what should my course of action be if I still want to resume things with her or at least be open to the possibility - whether it's one week, one month, or one year from now..I am gradually moving on and have slept with a girl or two the past few weeks, but def not looking for a rebound relationship. I am moving on but still have oneitis for sure, but getting much better week by week. Nonetheless, I really like this girl still and it just feels right to me at least. Thanks in advance guys!

Shit is pretty simple:

Either a) you believe her reasons, ie she has never been single and all that
or b) you believe she lied, there's another guy or she may not be into you

If it's a) then fine...but do you think 4 weeks is enough time for her? If her reasons is true, then it'll take at least a couple years for her to be at a place where she is ready. If you got back with her tomorrow, or next year, expect her to leave in a month or 2 for the same unresolved reason.

If b) why would you want her then?

See, shit is easy. There is no get back together scenario, at least not one where another breakup isnt inevitable. So just truly move on. Defriend if you have to. But accept that this will not work right now or for a really long time.