Girl:

HB10, latina, 27, very smart, well educated and energetic, with a great athletic body, but often impulsive, emotional and somewhat insecure. She's also serious about her religion (catholic).

A bit of background:

Our relationship started off in sort of a chaotic way: first of all we're students in a foreign country. I was in a very long relationship (almost 9 years); she was together with a guy for about 2-3 years and their were engaged, the wedding was supposed to happen in july last year. She came to study at that school because her fiancée was there. So… the wedding never happened.
In May last year we went together on a school trip. I was friend with her fiancée so I met her a couple of times before, had some basic conversation. So in the last night of this trip there was this huge party and we both were kind of drunk, long story short : we made out. Next day we acted like nothing happened, but there was some sort of tension/attraction between us. On the way back, on the train she came and sat right next to me and we started chatting, and there was a very powerful attraction between us. Anyways, after this trip we went back to our lives just like nothing happened for a few weeks. After 3-4 weeks we went to a party were she was with her fiancée and me with my girlfriend. Again everybody got drunk and something happened again between us. We almost got caught by her fiancée while we were making out outside the pub.
We decided that this can’t continue so we agreed to meet and talk/end this thing.
We met a few days later, but instead of ending it we couldn’t control each other and spent all the afternoon and evening together.
The next day she told her fiancée about it, and I too told my girlfriend. Skipping many details they broke up, I broke up with my girlfriend, and we started having a relationship.

The current situation

We’ve been together since may last year, especially at first we were on/off with a very strong sexual attraction between us. She was very confused. Many times she told me she wants to end it but since we live in the same campus, same dorm, it was inevitable to meet, and every time that happened we were back together.
In the same time we were chatting a lot, a thing that I enjoy doing with her since she is, as I said, smart and well educated. She was telling me that she’s confused, that is wrong for us to stay together, but in the same time she is very attracted to me and enjoys the time we spend together.
Another important aspect is that she didn’t have a real sex life before. She had sex maybe a couple of times and I’m guessing she didn’t really enjoy it, because the first thing she told me when we did it the first time is that she hasn’t been penetrated in over a year and she doesn’t have any experience. (before all this happened, her fiancée who used to be my friend told me that she wants to keep the sex for the wedding. Anyways, for me it would’ve been impossible to live together with my girlfriend for half a year in the same room and not have sex). I discovered that she enjoys it a lot actually so we had lots of sex. This is rather important because as I said she is very serious about her religion and starting to have a sex life outside marriage was and still is a huge thing for her. She enjoys it a lot but many times she feels guilty and she literally tells me too much pleasure is not good.
So we broke up before, for a few times, but each time I was a bit cold and distant to her she changed her mind after a few days. And this is what happened this time, she broke up with me a few days ago. This time she seems very determined, but who knows, after a while she’s probably gonna change her mind again.

My question:

I need some advice. In case she comes back to me, should I continue with her? If I do, how can I make the relationship more solid? I’m very serious about it, I wanna make it work and I want to spend my life with her.
Actually I forgot to mention that about 2 months ago I told her that I wanna spend my life with her. I told her she can think about it, there’s no pressure, especially because I know she was about to get married just last year in July and this would be kind of radical, for her and especially for her family.
I was also thinking that a bit time alone for both of us wouldn’t hurt. So now I’m just gonna stay single, at least for a while.
How long should I wait? Is it even worth it to wait? (If you ask me, it's totally worth it, however I'd like some other points of view) I have feelings for her, but I don’t want to force anything and I don’t wanna waste my time waiting. I don’t have a problem with being patient for a while, but I don’t want to wait in vain. Also, I can be patient but if I can do something else I’d prefer not to wait, I don’t like being passive.

Also,
There are many other details, the story is very complicated, I can bring them up if it’s necessary.
Apologies for bad English, I hope it’s clear enough.

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No victor believes in chance.

That was your biggest mistake. Telling her you want to spend your life with her. You should never say this if you are unsure how the other person feels. This is probably why she is getting scared of committing to you.

Why did she leave her fiancé and start going out with you? Think about it. Because she wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage! When you tell her you want to spend your life with her, you are giving her the same problem she had with her ex - fiancé: The pressure of lifelong commitment!

Back off, ignore her and let her contact you first. Do not contact her from now on. Even if you need to wait months for a reply. Be patient. She will contact you eventually, I promise you. When she does contact you, you need to tell her that you think you rushed into things too quickly because passions were running high, but now that there's been time to reflect, you would only want a more casual relationship and see what happens.

There's no rush. You're both young. You have all the time in the world.

OP, your best course of action is to learn how to be cool with yourself. Put her out of the equation, work on yourself do things you enjoy doing! Get into the gym, go read a book, go hike with your dog, spend some time with good healthy people you get the drift. Don't wait for anyone, life is short, and if she comes to she comes to if she doesn't great you've been working to become a better person anyway and you'll at this point be attracting others with your renewed energy and sense of purpose.

My plan exactly. Thanx!
Yes, probably, now I see it.

Besides, the last two weeks I wasn't motivated, I got soft and confortable, I'm not like that, most probably it contributed to her decision. And I think after all she took the right decision. We were spending too much time together and I wasn't being productive at all, and I hate that. I took this as an occasion to improving myself. And whatever the outcome is, I'll be a better man.

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

You have a good attitude man. If only every guy on the forum listened to advice like you do!

You're gonna go a long way.

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Update:

After we broke up I had to leave town for a couple of days and so did she. So we didn’t have the chance to exchange the stuff we have in our rooms. Today (after about 4 days) she send me a message asking when can she come to my room to bring me my stuff and take her own stuff. I told her I was outside and I would be back in an hour (which was true). So I came back, I texted her “I’m back, come when you want”, and then I started working (in the studio, right outside my room). At some point I went downstairs to buy some juice and I left my phone in the room, when I came back I saw some of my things in the room and a message on the phone from her saying she came but I wasn’t there so when can she come to pick up her stuff. I texted her I just went downstairs and now I’m in the room. She texted back: Will you be there this afternoon? I answered: yes.

So after about one hour she came. She was obviously very nervous. I was very relaxed and cool (I actually surprised myself). I didn’t say much, just let her say whatever she needs to say. She asked me how I am, I answered briefly: good (relaxed, looking her in the eye), she said: “I see you were working”, I said “Yeah…”, she said if there are other things that I need from her I can tell her later, I said “if you remember about other stuff you have here tell me”. She asked me again how I am, I answered again, almost smiling, looking in her eyes, “good”, then with a very awkward feeling she said “ok, I’ll go now, bye”, I didn’t say anything, just look at her leaving.

I felt very good today. I worked, I’m gonna go out today, meet some friends, go to practice some capoeira. I cleaned my room, worked in the studio, read, stuff like this.

I don’t know what the future will be, I just want to keep being busy. I don’t want to pretend I’m made of steel, I have feelings for this girl, it was and still is very difficult for me all of this. But knowing what I have to do, keep moving forward, and occasionaly talking with a friend, keeps me on the track. It’s a big challenge. It’s fucking hard.

Anyways, thanks for your advices, I’ll keep strong.

I was actually thinking about picking up some Chinese girl just for fun, but I don’t want, maybe my body wants but I don’t. I did that too much before, now I need to be alone for some time.

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

Good man. You're moving on. You've made a decision and owned it.

As per other women, do what feels natural. I know what that's like being turned on by another woman but not really having the energy or desire to really pursue. Just 'be', let things happen of their own volition while you're doing you.

I just came back home. I'm a bit drunk, I had a nice night, there were a lot of girls there but I didn't want to do anything, I had ZERO motivation, almost like my testosteron level was on the minus side.

I talked with one of my lady-friends today about what happened, and she said I should've invite her for a talk, tea, beer, anything，　cause she sais she already gave me the sign that at least she is available for a talk. That I felt too, but what the fuck, I'm not at her disposal, SHE broke up with me. I told her that she didn't show a sign that she would want that, and besides that, she broke up with me, if she would want something she should be clearer.

But afterwards I thought maybe I missed a chance to twist her mind and get her back. After that I met her completely by accident when I was going out. She seemed very nervous and she said she has something else that she needs to take back from my place, I was cool, smiling (she was smiling as well, awkwardly though).

I feel like if I force the hand a bit I could get her, but why would I do that? I don't want to seem proud, but I think if she is even disposed to be back she should do an effort and show it.

Should I take the chance and ask her to come over to take her “stuff” and also ask her to have a drink and talk? Or should I just go on with my life and forget about her?

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

It's called self respect, NOT pride. Pride is when you're doing something out of ego. Self-respect is doing something in-line with your values and not compromising that. Its what you said, if she's going to be part of this she has to first come to of her own free will, no manipulations etc... At least then both of you are coming to the table in an authentic way, nobody was coerced or having their attachment buttons pushed by the other person.

It’s been about a week now and I have two main issues on my mind:

First is about the fact that I actually put myself in this vulnerable position. During the LTR that ended up into this new one, I tried by all means to keep myself detached, avoid sentimental vulnerability. This resulted in the other girl being very attached to me and me being a cold bastard fucking around with other women. When HB latina came into view I told myself that this time I’ll make myself vulnerable, I’ll fall in love with the risk of being hurt later. And I went on full throttle.

The second thing: we had virtually no contact at all since we exchanged things (we only saw each other briefly yesterday when she was in a classroom and I had to talk with the teacher, I passed right next to her, she was talking with someone, we exchanged looks, she smiled and I winked, I was totally cool and relaxed). And it makes it even more awkward (also in a good way) because her balcony is just in front of mine. I (successfully) controlled myself not to have any contact with her. We still have some stuff to exchange, but I don’t feel like initiating anything, and she obviously doesn’t do it. My guess is she’s being advised. This girl is also proud and a bit paranoid (what the fuck am I doing talking about her anyway, huh), so my bet is she is trying to avoid contact because: 1. She doesn’t trust herself that she’ll be able to resist the temptation when we’ll see each other, 2. She’s probably thinking about a lot of weird woman stuff.

Anyways, I’m guessing a confrontation will happen some time in the future.

What I figured out for myself is why would I be with this woman? She has trust issues, she’s confused and paranoid, she’s very unstable.

Final question: should I move on, fuck other women, or should I just ask her to exchange the stuff left, and invite her to a talk (if this happens I’ll just let her talk, I wanna see at least what’s her attitude now, don’t wanna force anything, definitely won’t beg to get back or somethings, after all I’m not even sure myself about that)? It’s inevitable that we’ll meet by chance, just like before. My attitude, as always is cool, larger than life, big smile, giving hugs and kisses when I meet friends (I’m from south-east Europe so for me kino with people is pretty natural), and I’ll be exactly the same with her.

But then again, I kinda have onenitis and I don’t care, I still have feelings for her. It’s hard and unnatural for me to convince myself not to. I prefer to continue keeping busy but remain single, even if that’s so hard.

And very importantly: she being so confused most of the time, wouldn’t it be a good course of action to push her a bit in the direction I want, even if it’ll be a bit manipulative? After all many girls are awfully confused and undecided, they are designed to follow the leader. On the other hand, precisely because she is confused she should just figure out the things for herself, and I shouldn’t interfere. But I seriously doubt that she’ll be very resolute for anything, she’s too emotional and unstable. So then why am I even thinking about it? Why am I even writing this? I guess I just wanted to whine a little bit, put my thoughts in order and listen to other opinions….hehe

Any advice?

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

One (probably last) update:

She contacted me Friday. The message said smth like: “how are you? I’m trying to keep myself busy. If you feel like talking let me know, but if you don’t, it’s also ok.”

I saw it a bit later, not when she sent it, which is good, ‘cause I would’ve been tempted to answer right away.

I’m meeting her tomorrow morning since we were both busy in the weekend.

My final resolution:
I decided I don’t want to continue with her (assuming she would want to get back). I don’t think getting back with her would be a healthy thing to do. I still love her, but it’s the best thing for me to get away while I can’t be hurt badly. I can’t be with a girl who is confused and can’t control her emotions. She wants stability but how can I give it to her when she herself is not stable. If the opportunity will arise tomorrow, I’ll tell her I was and I am still firm with my intention, but I can’t live like that. Besides, if we’d get back together it'd be like she’ll always have the upper hand cause in her mind I’m always there receiving her. Which is obviously unhealthy and unfair.

On the other hand, If she says that she wants to just remain friends I’ll tell her, ok, that’s just what I wanted as well, no further explanations.

I think it’s enough said.
She’s a nice girl, I’ll tell her I want to remain friends. We have many things to share.

It was and still is hard for me to take this decision but I know it is the best thing to do.

Thank you people for the advices and support. It meant a lot to me.

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

Very mature and dignified way of dealing with the current sitch. You're more than capable.

So we met this morning

I was cool, relaxed, smiling. Greet her with a smile and a compliment on her looks, she did the same. She was obviously a bit nervous.

Anyways, I’m writing this cause I’d like to know how it looks like from an objective point of view.

So at first we had some small talk, which I interrupted with a cold “so…” To which she said that she just wanted to see how I’m doing, have a talk, she didn’t prepare to say anything special.

We talked about things in general, what we did in the past 2 weeks, etc. I took the occasion to tell her what I’ve been busy with (working, being productive, creative, sports, etc), when the subject arrived I mentioned that how much I disliked the last two weeks (when we were still together), being soft and not motivated. She said she had the same feeling.

We didn’t explicitly talk about our relationship. She only said that when we got together we knew that it wasn’t a good idea, to which I said smth like, ….mmm yeah, I don’t know…. At some other point she said she needs to be alone for a while to figure out some things, and maybe me too…. I answered that I don’t need to figure out anything, my priorities are straight.

I didn’t want to talk explicitly about it if she doesn’t have anything important to say.

Except for this, I was, as I said, relaxed and cool, we had a very nice conversation, good vibe, joked a little bit. We were both smiling a lot. I avoid doing any Kino with her so I don’t give her any wrong idea, but she acted like she was expecting it or wanting it. I was warm but not physical.

I felt like she was provoking me to make some advances at her or smth, she was even wearing a vest that I bought for her some time ago.

What I think is that she was curious to see what I was doing/thinking. Another thing I noticed is that she was approving me, telling me about things I told her in the past, how right I was, stuff like that.

Just for the record, I didn’t change my mind, I want to remain friends with her.

I’d appreciate some opinions about what I did wrong, or right.

_________________
No victor believes in chance.

If your plan is to just be friends with her, it doesn't matter what you did right or wrong. Any old chode with no experience can teach you how to remain in the friend zone. We're just here to help you get laid or fix your relationship problems.

I get the feeling that you are in denial about wanting to be friends and you actually want more. For a girl who is now 'just a friend' you are posting about her an awful lot.

If the idea of seeing her with another guy would really upset you, I recommend you break off contact with her completely and end your friendship. Or escalate towards sex and see what happens.