Some how I feel like I have opened up Pandora's box.

When I was much younger and naive, I would endlessly pursue a single girl that I was set on, build a bunch of trust, and take things really slow.

Nowadays, I feel that the more girls I have been with, the less special any one girl is. It's honestly an awkward feeling when I develop deep feelings for a girl.

I can have sex quite quickly after first meeting a girl, plus I have success with multiple girls. Although, I feel like I am far from having a HEALTHY relationship. Most my relationships are short lived and dysfunctional.

These are the game like mindsets I have more or less internalized:
-There is always another girl, and no specific one is special, soul mate, etc.
-Attracting another girl is always easier then dealing with the drama from old ones
-If I get hung up on one girl (onenitis) I just go find several others
-Monogamy is not natural
-I am the prize, the girl is lucky to be with me
-If the girl does not want to be with me, then that is her loss
-I am direct and do not play games
-I do not care what others think of me

I am sure there are others.

In general, I am a weak man. I like pleasure, I like women (many, shapes and sizes), and I am impulsive. I am passionate when It comes to things like attraction, competition, and anger. (more or less the firey emotions). I do what I want when I want. I like risky behavior, and have a hard time opening up or making myself vulnerable. More or less I fit the description of a fun loving, womanizing, and arrogant asshole. I do what I want and do not care what others think of me.

Perhaps I am entirely to blame, though are there some mindsets and areas of the game I need to scale back in order to get better at developing healthy relationships?

It's not that I constantly go out looking for love, though I feel like I have opportunities with good women (even though I a degenerate asshole) and I blow them.

Thoughts? Anyone else feel similar?

Your post underscores some inherent issues in adopting a PUA mindset. As I've mentioned in previous posts, there's no transition between PUA strategies and having healthy relationships with women. I am speaking about traditional PUA strategies, techniques, and routines. These are all ego-based (and designed to exploit insecure women). Having healthy relationships does not involve power dynamics, whereas the PUA is obsessed with them (must maintain the 'frame' of perpetuating patriarchal relationships - the man being "dominant" whereas the woman being in the "submissive" role. Anyway most people really don't give a sh*t about the psychology of it all. So now onto the pragmatics:

Part of the problem is you view women as an ends to a means, objects to be acquired. Once you've got the girl your interest wanes pretty quickly. Like any other addiction you've inundated your brain with too much of a good thing, so your dopamine receptors have been overloaded so much so that you need more a 'rush' to feel anything - exactly the same as in any form of addiction where it be substances, certain behaviors (e.g., hoarding, shopping), or people.

The other part of the problem is that your interactions with these women are surface. We live in the fast-food age, we're all gluttons to varying degrees - if one relationship doesnt work many of us can take to the internet or everywhere else to find something 'new' - that 'new' gets old real quick once the novelty of it all wears off (which is exactly what you're experiencing); the end result is this unquenchable thirst that can never be met (though you feverishly continue to try and fullfill it, externally). Take the classical example of the extravert who thrives off the energy of others and therefore loves to be a busy bee in meeting a lot of people, compared to the introvert who puts more emphasis on may be less interested in meeting lots of people but finds fulfilment in seeking deeper connections the world around him/her.

So you've now programmed your brain to seek-out women without building meaningful connections with them, its not surprising you're experiencing dysfunction in your relationships with women.

From the sounds of it you want a LTR with a woman. So the following questions may help get you there:

What is your barometer for success with women? (is it to bed as many as you can, or to have something meaningful with one?)

Some of the beliefs you've internalized, are they in-line with your values, and in addition are they serving you to meeting this goal?

What I would suggest in the mean time is that you abstain from 'gaming' women and instead get to know a few you're interested in. Spend some time with them, even if you don't plan on marrying them or even see them as dating material it will help developing healthy relationships with people. Beyond all of this, it will be most beneficial for you to create a healthy relationship with yourself.

Thanks n2thevoid. Brilliant post, you hit the nail on the head. As for the piece on addiction and brain chemistry, I feel that is incredibly accurate. I am weak man when it comes to drinking, smoking, and especially women. I admit that I sometimes treat women as objects or a means to an end. I am trying to find a comfortable middle ground between the person I am now, and my younger self. I am presented with the following two problems:

1. It seems like a million years ago, but in reality It's only be five years since I really focused on being a ladies man. I made the change when I was 17. I recollect being a friendly, though a bit introverted guy. I generally focused on being a morally upright person (coming from a religious background). I would attempt to be nice to most people I met, and treat everyone with respect. Typically I would only pursue one girl at a time and take things slow. I would really get to know the girl, be nice to her, and develop a friendship. Alas, I was largely unsuccessful, would almost always get friendzoned, and was utterly frustrated. As I got older, I picked up drinking, smoking, and partying. I became the person I am now, more or less a fun-loving, free-spirited, social-able, prideful, self-centered asshole.
Interestingly enough, I do not understand why women are so much more attracted to the person I am now. Growing up I bought into the bullshit fantasy that women like a sweet prince charming, when in reality I have discovered that women are more insatiably attracted to the borderline narcissistic asshole. This is at least my experience, for others I'm sure circumstances are different, and others have had their own journeys.

2. My other issue is in relation to your discussion on addiction. I live in a large city, which happens to be home to a party university. Whenever I go out with friends, (most of which are half-decent with women) beautiful women are always present. Furthermore, several of my friends (best friend included) promote parties. Sometimes I have to put in effort to game women, though many times they initiate attraction with me (obviously in subtle ways, and likely due to social circle status). My mind lights up like a pinball machine when I see all the verbal and non-verbal cues. It is almost like a primal instinct overcomes me. It is almost like being a drug addict, surrounded by people doing drugs (not that extreme, though the point is similar). In order to go completely cold turkey with women, I feel like I would have to distance myself from some good friends. Perhaps I just need to suck it up and deal with temptation being around the corner.

+1
Well said..

Hobbit, can you explain more of what you mean by needy/funny? When I hear the word needy these days, I avoid it like the plague haha.

Drinking...smoking...women... the plight of the manly man from a long, but not forgotten romantic era. Men sang songs about this throughout the ages. Our brain are very much reward seeking (and pain reducing) machines. If it were really so simple. As 'prehistoric' as our minds may be, they are quite sophisticated too; hence why prescribing a guy read a book on dog training to handle women never works for very long.

I would really get to know the girl, be nice to her, and develop a friendship. Alas, I was largely unsuccessful, would almost always get friendzoned, and was utterly frustrated.

And this was likely what brought you here, and subsequently you found out that being "nice" was your Golden Ticket to Friendsville. Or something along those lines. So you took the "nice" out, replaced it with pretending to be indifferent, learned to pose as the cocky/asshole and found success with a few women...

Pretty reinforcing too. Ditched the nice guy bit, and instead adopted the mannerisms of somebody you're not. And the fact that you grew some nuts large enough to, what I am assuming, escalate with women reinforced this new belief. Myself, I'm far from convinced that women like "borderline narcissistic assholes", but rather like a man who is grounded in himself, and is decisive, among just a few intangibles that are attractive to any gender. I have to wonder what type of women like the borderline narcissistic asshole type; maybe the type who are extremely insecure, abused types who believe they deserve nothing more than to be treated no better than discarded trash...one can only wonder.

Maybe venturing into different contexts, away form the party scene may do you some good. Figure out what type of girl you're looking for (beyond looks) and put yourself in environments where you're at higher odds of meeting her. For me the party scene is one of the last places I'd want to meet a girl.


ps. Thanks Hobbit

Another great post n2thevoid. What can I say, I am a fucked up guy power tripping on a hyper-masculine ego. The numbing of effects of smoking, drinking, and women do provide some temporary solace from some unresolved pain and issues. Nonetheless, I like crazy, wild, and degenerate shit. Unfortunately, the type of women I meet doing crazy and wild things are not exactly the relationship type. I would not necessarily say I am being someone I am not, rather I am some one different than I used to be since my friends exposed me to a lifestyle I enjoy.

At the end day, I am the epitome of the saying, "You cannot have your cake and eat it too." I am prideful and stubborn.

Any tips short of abandoning my current lifestyle? I am not trying to go cold turkey, but make a gradual shift. Should I be doing things like meditating, adopting new frames of mind, reading good book on the subject, taking more girls on casual dates/ instead of hooking up at parties, etc.? I currently trying to drink and smoke less.

Just wanna share some of my thoughts:

The hyper-masculine attitude is for weak men, I believe. Being cool with your vulnerability, being ready to be hurt, to get emotional, to even cry, as a man, is way more difficult than making yourself a hyper-masculine asshole.

I noticed something in the people whom I admire around me: there's no alpha. Their power lies in the fact that they can deal with their vulnerability, they get hurt badly and they deal with it, because life is tough and too short to pretend you're a senseless, emotionless machine. Achilles was a crybaby, and he was invincible.

What I would do in your case is definitely get out of the party zone, find a girl who fits right in with your life goals and go full throttle, never look back. You had your fair share of fun, you don't need that anymore. It's time to change from weak to strong.

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No victor believes in chance.

There's a lot to be said with respect to your thoughts, and something that's not nearly addressed enough on this board. The crux of it being this whole notion of "alpha" and what it means, in particular dispelling some of the myths and misconceptions surrounding it. I find there's a dichotomy between members of this board who are very entrenched in this idea that everything must be "alpha", and then there's a minority of guys who subscribe to a more authentic, being one's self mentality. I'd sooner dispense with the labels, but the way I see it "alpha" is about being one's own person (male or female), and not externally-seeking, but rather deriving strength from within. This means not using techniques and strategies to over-compensate for a frail ego, but rather to truly put the effort in to understand one's self. This is no delicate undertaking, and as I'd previously alluded to most people want results and want them not now but like yesterday. So in the end the group that falls into this camp never really grow but rather become inauthentic and detached. To me true strength is found in vulnerability, among other things, and walking one's own path to self-discovery. I know its all too tempting to use canned routines, anecdotes, and the myriad of other PUA strategies designed to 'get the girl', but the reality is you're selling yourself short and selling a false persona to the world around you. At the end of the day to me at least its about living life authentically, not being a used car sales man peddling whatever I've picked up on PU forums, ebooks, and youtube.

I guess what it all comes down to for me when trying to lend assistance to a guy who's having issues attracting women can be summed up in Anne Ritchie's commonly cited proverb "if you give a man a fish he is hungry again in an hour. If you teach him to catch a fish you do him a good turn."

I'd sooner encourage somebody to discover their true self, rather than teach them to be somebody they're not and in the process lose themselves even further.

you've gotta know when to shut it off.

Great read.

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