Hello everyone,

this post will maybe look silly, but trust me I am not an alpha male, or a PUA master. I just want to understand the mindset of my girlfriend. To understand and make the relationship better.

Me and my girlfriend are together for roughly 8 months. And almost everything is perfect. The same opinions (not important and the important once), same type of humor, same type of music, movies etc. Now I am starting to think about a serious relationship with her, maybe even moving together.

Now the catch:
While I am quite secure in a relationship I still need a little reassurance during certain discussions.
With this said, I recently noticed that she maybe doesn't tell me the whole truth about certain people around her.
Specifically one of her male friends. First of all, and I think this is important, they never met in person. They chat together. However, she told me a few months back, that in the past he tried to hit on her. And she friend-zoned him, and then he friend-zoned her and now she is already immune to his ''hitting on BS''.
Few days back, she told me that he doesn't hit on her and he never did (we don’t talk about him a lot, some normal stuff occasionally). But that is obviously different kind of response than before, so I asked about that (normal attitude, while chatting). Aaaand we had a fight about it.

Now I don’t know what to think. I trust her, I know she wouldn't go behind my back. But she didn't really explain the half truth about that male friend and she got mad when I mentioned it. Maybe I am over-thinking this. Maybe I don’t see the real reason. Maybe you could help me to understand that kind of behavior.

Thank you.

Your not over thinking it...

She involved with him in some way. The relationship is much deeper than she is letting on.
I would bet she has seen him in person. Ask her to see all communication with this guy. She should avoid it and call you crazy, paranoid etc. If she does this you know she's in deep.

Your the backup in this case.

Be very careful with your feelings. There is potential to get seriously hurt.

I was in a similar situation a number of years ago -

I handled it poorly (I think), though it actually wound up working out. I argued that I didn't like some guy talking to my at-the-time girlfriend over text once I found out just how often it was occurring (it was a lot - more than I was talking to her), and that he was inviting her out on dates...

She had not told me about any of this - And that's the part that pissed me off. I'd have arguably been all right with it (or at least much better with it) if she'd been up front.

She handed me her phone to charge one day and when I plugged it in the screen lit up with messages and missed calls from the guy... So I asked about it - not as calmly as I should have - and realized how deep that rabbit hole went.

In my case I was lucky (?). The guy turned out to be a legitimate threat... So I didn't look completely silly... While she had only friendly intentions with him, she saw that he did not, and she ended up cutting contact with the guy because she knew I didn't like it (I didn't ask her to but I was happy she did).

I could have handled it better, I'm sure. It was a long time ago, and jealousy is a powerful emotion.

If it bugs you, have a talk with her. An unemotional "this really bothers me" talk... You may not end up with the same result, but at least you'll communicate constructively about it.

She's your girlfriend, you're not gaming her anymore. So talk.

With that said, if the dude is not a legitimate threat, why stir the pot? Sometimes it's better to keep the peace than be right.

I read red-flags all over.

You don't understand her because, when you compare her beheviour with the average relationship/girl, she fails. And you are tryin hard to understand, what's going on(and it is frustrating indeed).

No matter what or where you read about infidelity, if a girl(or a man), gets defensive when you ask something, then they are doing it to get rid of the guilt they feel(because of cheating). They will actually blame you, to feel better about the BS they do. The normal reaction is... well, normal. The partner will listen and want to hear you concern(to find a solution), even joke about it and laugh about how cute you are.

If you don't meet her friends, that is because you probably don't exist(or not to certain extend atleast).

Remember - men hits on girls all the time(friends as well). If she is bored with you, she will notice it and act accordingly(if she wants to cheat). If she is honest, men will never bypass her shield(she won't even notice that they hit on her). It is crucial that you talk with her and think about your relationship and keep it healthy.

Take care of your emotional state.

Good luck.

The guy turned out to be a legitimate threat... So I didn't look completely silly... While she had only friendly intentions with him, she saw that he did not, and she ended up cutting contact with the guy because she knew I didn't like it (I didn't ask her to but I was happy she did).

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NOOR

There is nothing going on between them other than the occasional flirt. She is not telling you the truth because you get jealous. It is very common to have those type of male internet friends. They all behave like this. I am not saying it is alright what she does .. because if you were doing the same she wouldn't have liked it either. All I am saying is that there is nothing going on between them. So chill out. If she is not telling you the truth is because you are reacting.
The reason she is keeping him around is because she talks with him about things that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you or you wouldn't be interested etc. Instead of bringing up the subject try to have more of a life together so she doesn't spend as much time on the internet. If you trust her that's a good sign. Men hit on women all the time. After a certain point it just becomes noise... especially for pretty girls. I remember when I was on my early 20s and I was going out for coffee with my female friends (we were all average looking) we had so many guys hitting on us that we were using the attention as rating for the clothes we were wearing. It only mattered what the guy we wanted was thinking about us. The rest were not worth anything. Just an ego boost.