Background:

My girlfriend is studying overseas for a semester. We're in a LTR (almost 4 years now with a short break in the middle), and we both haven't had much experience outside of the relationship. She left for overseas a couple of months ago, and when she finishes in January, my (female) roommate and I have plans to meet her and travel for a couple months together.

She's always had issues with showing a lot of affection, is not into the "lovey" side of the relationship most of the time, and sucks at communication-- but that's all fine, it hasn't caused any issues in a long time. Our sex life is pretty good, we had problems in the past with her losing interest (mostly because of the pill), but the months leading up to her going away were really good. We also have a lot of threesomes with the roommate and everyone is happy with that, no issues (so I'd really rather not fuck this up)

The problem:

Initially, she was talking to us every day and being quite good, implying she missed me and everything (she's never been one to say it outright). She then started getting stressed that she was finding it difficult to make friends overseas, and became a bit distant as a result. Then one day, she removed her profile pic on FB (she does this when she's depressed) and also hid our relationship status on FB. And this was followed the next day by adding a few people

Now, I know it's bad to make a big deal out of petty things like Facebook relationship statuses, so I just casually mentioned to her - "hey, why'd you hide our relationship?" And she came up with some excuse about her family stalking her and asking annoying questions. This was a bit suspicious since her family all know who I am (and she has a history of denying everything I try to confront her with), but I let it slide and ignored it.

A few days later, she took measures to hide her Tumblr (changed her username, blocked me on there), I noticed this and was curious why she did this, so I looked up her new username and had a look-- there were a couple of posts like "how can i flirt better? am I sexually repulsive here?" and "i should stop whining about all the sex i'm not having". She removed the first post the next day. So now, it's pretty clear to me that she's looking to mess around and 'cheat'.

What are my options?

I'm guessing the obvious response is going to be "break up with her, not worth staying with a cheater", but I would really rather not do that since we have an expensive holiday planned and paid for in Jan/Feb, and since things overall have been really good and I plan on sticking with her. So, if we could talk about other options then that'd be good

Right now I'm conflicted between confronting her about all of this (which will probably make her think I'm needy and insecure), or just ignoring it and seeing what happens (which could lead to her cheating on me).

It is quite annoying because she knows that I'm open to the idea of an open relationship (it's something I've talked about wanting in the past, but her opinion has always been a flat-out "no"), so if she had just come to me first and said "I miss sex so much D:", I probably would have been fine telling her that she's welcome to muck around overseas. Maybe she doesn't want to give me the same freedom, but who knows.

So yeah, any ideas how to best deal with this? Let's explore options other than "break up with her"

Not many options here if she's not for the open relationship. Go on your trip to visit her and continue to let her cheat. Bang her and the roommate on your trip and then decide what to do when you get back.

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So, just do my best to ignore it?

My thinking against that was, if she's going to sleep with people overseas either way, it would be better for us first to have a discussion and me give her permission (which *sort of* makes me a bit more in control, and it means any good experiences she has will have her thinking "I'm glad my bf let me do that"), rather than her cheating, which could make her lower my value in her mind and means that I'm forced to break up later if I don't want to be seen as weak and a pushover.

Only reason I didn't say that is because how I interpreted her thinking was that she wouldn't allow you to do it, so she would deny that she's doing anything wrong and she'd have to stick with that rather than tell the truth. So the moment you had the discussion to give her permission, she would turn it back on you because you've already expressed interest on an open relationship and this is your way of trying to have other women at the same time protecting her image as a loyal girlfriend.

By the way, giving her permission after the fact doesn't make you seem in control. You just seem like the guy that has accepted the ship is sinking.

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Yeah that's why I was thinking about talking to her now, before she's actually cheated (before the fact), rather than after the fact. After she cheats (if she does), it seems like I'll be stuck in a situation of either breaking up or "accepting the sinking ship", and I don't want to be put there.

But you're totally right that she'll just deny everything and make the conversation super difficult

My only option then would be to outright say "I found your new tumblr and I saw that post", but then she's going to think I'm insecure and stalking her (even though it's public) and all that crap

This exactly. You are in a no win situation.

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I was thinking of approaching her like "how are you handling lack of cuddles and sex? are you planning to find someone overseas? " to have the discussion but do it as least confrontationally as possible. But I don't know where I should take it from there. Thoughts?

That sounds like a polite accusation.

How else could I do it? Or do you also think I should completely ignore it?

I could be like "are you sure hiding it on FB was just a family thing? I feel like you've been acting a bit strange since then. I don't mind if you wanna be 'single' in the UK but let's talk about it"

What do I think?

I think you've been with her for 4 years. She's your girlfriend, not someone you're gaming, or trying to fuck or playing mind-games with.

This is a pickup forum. You're going to get 'pickup' advice, for the most part... and a lot of it may not work for you because you're in a relationship. You can't game your girlfriend the same way you'd game someone who isn't your girlfriend.

I'm in a relationship. It's decent. I'm here because it gives me perspective and keeps me in touch with this community (which I seem to lose, and regain, then lose and regain every time I bounce into and out of a relationship)...

Now - what I think you should do: Talk to her, without pre-planning how to best 'innocently accuse her' of something or play any games.

I think you should SPAM her or call her and ask her what's up. She's acting distant, she's blocked you from her Tumblr and you know something's going on - and you'd really like to talk about it.

Go from there.

+1

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Thanks, this is some good advice. I see the value in being upfront and cutting out all the 'bullshit'. I think I'll try my best with this, but I'm a bit worried about how it'll go. She's never really been able to communicate to me about any feelings or issues, really, most of our problems are ignored away.

To give you an example of how it goes, if I 'accuse' her of anything (and I know you say I should just have a "talk" with her, but she's very defensive and will take it as an accusation), she'll start denying it all and compulsively lying about it. Eg. when I first noticed the FB relationship status change, I tried your approach and brought it up with her, and it went like:

Me: Hey why'd you hide our relationship on FB?
Her: I've hidden all of my details on FB (not true, she hid our relationship and like 2 other random things)
Me: How come?
Her: Cause I have family on here and they've been stalking me
Me: But your family already knows who I am, they could just look me up
Her: Yeah but it's harder for them to this way

She just makes up bullshit in order to avoid a confrontation and it makes "just having a talk" impossible without getting super accusatory

Wow. She must be giving you the greatest sex. How you describe her, she basically does whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer for it. Usually that only happens because of one of two things...having no balls or great sex.

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You can't trust the girl.. She lies to you.. Is cheating or at the least planning to.. Dude break up.

My roommate and I have both spent heaps on plane tickets + train passes for Europe to meet her in Jan, we've got a really good thing going and I don't want to fuck this up. Besides that, I don't want to throw away the relationship, I want to fix the issues and I've come for the best advice to do that.