So I was dating my girl for almost 4 years when she broke up with 2 weeks ago.

Overall scope the last 4 years and what happened: Good relationship, got along great, moved to another city together 2.5 years ago, purchased a house 1 year ago. Moved there for my careerer. Then in December i got another offer to move from Australia to new Zealand for work. Huge opportunity... We decided to do it.

She didn't want to move yet but would at some stage. The offer was for two years, then we would move back etc. I moved in Feb, things were though but we were trying and it seemed to work. I flew back home in March, everything was fine. The next couple of months were good as well. Then I started to Talk about her moving, she started to say I don't think i can move im not sure, i just want to think about everything. (I think at this point she was afraid of moving and the realisation of it all) Also while this was going on we had a married couple living with her (which were our friends) They broke up and I could also tell her mood and thoughts were kind of changing. (not sure if this had anything to do with it)

I then came back home again in July - things seemed different - like she wasn't into me as much - wanted to do her own thing etc. I tried and i started to get frustrated. She started to tell me i was controlling etc.. I guess i was because i seen a change and i was trying to work out why she was changing.

At this stage I said i would move back if things were to hard for her etc. She told me - no i don't want you to, i want you to go back cause its not going to help, i just need space to think about things.. I tried to sort things out so it would be all good before I left, as i was only there for one week. While i was there for this week, the married couple made it official that they had broken up. So it was kinda bad timing for me going back home to see my girl.

I left unhappy and worried about our future. Only a couple of weeks later i noticed the texts and the phone conversations were dropping off. Again i questioned this and asked what was up. She would just reply, im just thinking about everything its hard etc. She also mentioned some things she doesn't like about me and said she hasn't liked these things for about 10 months. I said why didn't you tell me back when you thought this. She just replied - i find it hard to express myself cause you always talk over the top of me and i dont get heard. I was devastated i made her feel this way. I changed everything i could to make it better ASAP.

Only 2 weeks later she called and said she cant do it any more as she is not in love with you any more. I was shocked and didn't ever think it would end. I knew things were not good but i though we could deal with it and sort things out.

So after a couple of weeks i have been trying but its not working. Not sure how i can win her back or there is more to it. She wants to sell the house and have not attachments to me. Still wants to be my friend and loves me as a friends but not in love with me.

is there any hope for me.....

First of all, sorry this happened, but long distance has the power to kill any relationship and we learn it the hard way...

The thing I would ask, are you 100% sure there is no other guy who was using this chance to sneak in while you were away?

Hey mate fellow Aussie here. What you need to do pronto is look up Corey Wayne wwwmunderstandingrelationships.com I'm not even gonna suggest what you should or shouldn't do because his website will tell you everything you need to know and do.

Also look up Eddie Fews article take control of your emotion I think that will help you.

But seriously if you do anything look up Corey Wayne he has material for this specific situation.

Hope that helps good luck.

P.S. The solution is never to try harder.

Previous poster is correct.

Distance over 2 yrs to a place like Australia - which is just thousands of miles from other continents - can kill things.

I would also agree that another guy being in the picture sounds like a possibility. Girls cool off, become distant, etc when there are options and you're not her first choice. This may not be the case but it's something to be aware of.

I'm sorry to hear about all this - the situation kind of sucks.

I don't know that pickup is going to help you here either. You're in an established (albeit falling apart) relationship already... you don't need to game this woman, you need to TALK to her and get her to be honest about what's going on.

You're a bit in your own head about it because you're guessing at what she's thinking and what's going to happen.

thanks, ill look into it.

I have asked her time and time again if there is anyone else. She is not the type to cheat because of her beliefs. Although she might like someone. The only guy i was sus on was the guy who was living with us. He is a good friend of mine but he did get close with her whilst he was breaking up with his wife. All 4 of us are good friends. I don't think they would be that silly to start seeing each other but i do find it strange how close they have gotten.

Also, how would i find out 100% if there was or wasn't another guy involved?

You may not be able to, without actually going and snooping - which isn't cool...

Can't believe nobody asked you this: why haven't you married her as yet? Four whole years without a wedding...I would never date a guy for 4 years...You are sending her the message that you do not want to commit to her. It's even worse since you purchased the home with her - you gave her false hopes and that is why she waited around.
The only thing that will work at this point is:
1. Apologize and propose to her immediately
2. Marry her in 3 months

The problem with asking guys for advice with LTRs is, there are some things only a girl will tell you. From the minute I read "dating for 4 years" I knew what was wrong. After 3 years of dating she really started to dislike every small thing about you...this is not surprising. She's been waiting and you are not stepping up to the plate. She will find someone else who is willing to commit.

Seriously, do not propose. That is terrible advice. Marriage is not the answer to an already difficult relationship.

Even if she says yes (I doubt she would) you are agreeing to be in a committed relationship with someone who is very obviously not committed. It will only end up in trouble. You might get a couple of good years, you might get longer but I'll bet cash money it will be the most unfulfilling relationship you'll ever have. Breaking up is tough but you cannot imagine just how fucking difficult a divorce is by comparison. If you get married to patch over problems then the next step that people end up doing when problems happen again is to have a baby. It's just a real downward spiral. Apart from anything else, do you want both of you knowing that you only proposed to solve a problem? That will rot the relationship like cancer, every time you have an argument she will play this card.

She might be "the one". If so, then you've got yourself a great story about how you've lost the love of your life. Chances are, there are a million Kiwi girls just as good.

Accept the end. If she wants you then let her come after you. Don't chase. Go out and get laid. The end is a death, mourn it but move on.

Proposing right now is probably the worst move you could make.

Dude, I am 99% sure that his commitment-phobia is the only problem. And I only sought to answer OP's question. The OP has decided that he wants the girl back. It is not for us to decide whether or not it was a "difficult relationship" - from what he's said, things were great all along and he is shocked by her decision. This is clearly because there were no major problems before, and she only hates him now because it's clear that he wasn't intending to marry her.

Obviously when he asks her why she's leaving, she'll bring up some nonsensical reasons that were never relevant before. There are some girls who will confront a man and demand that he marry them or it's over, but OP's girlfriend is not one of them. She doesn't want to beg the guy to marry her. So, instead, she backs out on realizing that the long relationship and the house were all false flags. I am very interested in why a guy would purchase a house with a LT girlfriend, and then not bother to marry her even 1 year later.

These kinds of girls usually go out to find an older guy who is intent on marrying, and before a year is up you hear they are engaged/married. Even if that older guy is not as attractive or kind as the younger dude who refused to commit, they will accept that in order to have their wedding dream. Most women, even raging feminists, actually want a guy to marry them.
Why should she commit to "moving in" with a guy who has not proposed after 4 years? If I were in her position I would be feeling very insecure and unsure of the situation. This guy's been with me 4 years, and now all I get to do is move in with him and tag along for his 2-year career trip? When do I get some kind of guarantee of his faithfulness? What if I get pregnant?

It also doesn't help that women post their stories on relationship forums; unless she's an idiot, she will be doing research in these places. Do some googling, visit some womens' forums, it will be enlightening for you. At this point, any woman would advise her that she must obtain some form of promise or guarantee from the man before going any further. Time is ticking for this woman, she doesn't have forever. And people will remind her of this.

To me it sounds like she has had time to reflect, time to see how she survives on her own and she's realised it isn't that bad. Maybe better than being together..

The OP said: The relationship is troubled. If she is playing games to test his commitment then the relationship has problems. A healthy relationship does not need mind games.

I stick by what I said. Proposing is a mistake. Marrying her is a disaster. I'll bet cash money that it will go: big, elaborate wedding > baby > divorce > everybody worse off than they were before.

I like younglady's insights on this one. If it's 4 years in, you have a house but you move to another country for work, you 2 should have had a where is this going discussion. I could see from a girl's point of view, why would I move to another country for a boyfriend? Don't get me wrong, the girlfriend could be sucking the friend's dick or just tired of him. But the marriage and moving for just a boyfriend argument is valid. I think if you're in a relationship and going to move somewhere far (somewhat permanently from the way it sounds) you gotta expect the girl to be expecting marriage before or at least soon after. I've had gfs say when I'm about to move STATES, that they would move with me, ONLY if we were married or engaged. Sure, nothing is 100% certain, but marriage represents to girls a certain commitment beyond a regular relationship.

Ylady's advice sounds beta, but I get it.. OP, you should know your gf. Is this crazy for her? Has she mentioned marriage or is around the age where she would be expecting it soon? Has this been discussed? She could be a girl who was cheating, she could be a girl who just fell out of love, it could be distance, or it could be the marriage aspect.

Awful advice. People can be retest deep and it is hard to know a person, truly, after 4 years.

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What do you mean?

Should have said "really," not "retest." I was replying to what the woman said about no married after 4 years. I dated a girl for 5 and was nowhere near the marriage mindset. That is not why we brokeup. Some more of our own personalities and own truths shined through after years into the relationship and we broke it off. Years of service means nothing toward marriage.

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