i've been in a relationship with a younger woman for 3 months. i was flawless in the attraction stage but now it goes up and down. i work out of town 3 days a week so we see each other off and on between thursday and sunday.

the thing is this girl is just fucking impossible to read. sometimes she'll act like she really wants to be longterm and sometimes we'll fuck at her place and she'll say she's going to sleep and imply i need to go home. (i don't just oblige to her every whim, i punish bad behavior and reward good behavior and am not always available)

unfortunately i have major trust and dependency issues stemming from my parents' divorce, not having a nurturing mother growing up, and being left by my ex of 4 years for her best guy friend. this leads to me being overly suspicious, particularly of a close guy friend the current chick has who hangs out at her place sometimes (huge red flag).

when she doesn't text me or starts cooling off, i immediately assume she's hanging out with the other dude. i have never called her out on it or even hinted that i would care or be jealous. but what i have done is this:

basically i say "listen, we can be FWB if you want with no strings attached, but i'm not gonna keep going on walks with you and doing all this romantic couple stuff if it never goes anywhere"

is this just a big no-no to say this from a relationship-game perspective? does that kill challenge/interest? i've had to bring it up a few times and finally last night we had this romantic evening and were lying in bed and the dude texts her at 11pm on a saturday. i ignore it but later when i make a move she says she's tired and wants to sleep (in truth she looked exhausted but still). we hadn't seen each other since wednesday so i was figuring she'd want to have sex (she's 20 and the sex is very good for both parties) not to mention she'd flaked on me the day before by saying she was too tired...which really made me think she was also banging this other dude hence no sex drive.

so i just got up and said i'm leaving, then said i'm getting weird vibes from her and we basically had this discussion which led to me saying i guess she has issues with exclusivity and i need to find someone who is more willing to be in a relationship and her saying it wasn't an issue of being exclusive but she just wasn't in a place to do this. so i left. but the real reason i got sketched was because of the other dude, i just couldn't say it bc i know better.

should i have just been totally cool and tucked her in and left and continued being a challenge until she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me? is there ever an advantage to just calling a chick out and trying to figure out what the fuck is up? honestly i'd let things go slow as long as she's not fucking some other dude on the side, which she actually was most likely NOT doing, i'm just paranoid as fuck. any help appreciated...

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Did you ever have that "Let's be exclusive" talk? That's important to know in order to give you the correct advice.

i did not. i'm not well-versed enough in my game to attempt that without fearing that i'll come off as desperate or lower her interest in some form. it's just so direct and i didn't want to trap her in that kind of thought where i was pressuring her to choose me over others, as though it wasn't absolutely clear she should choose me. i wanted to come off as *implying* "you better lock me up or some other woman will." this definitely got her interest level through the roof and it stayed there for a long time, but anytime i tried to close the gap and take things up a notch she cooled off.

also via the "lock me up or else" method i definitely put the fear of me having a billion other female options in this girl's mind. that in and of itself might have fucked me.

lol i wish i could just be my nice gentle self but that has never, ever worked for me as an adult... so i have to learn this shit the hard way.

i just really suck at converting the "kinda in a relationship" stage to the full-blown "you are my gf" stage...


edit: also, isn't saying "we can be FWB but i'm not going to do romantic stuff with you if it's going nowhere" pretty much saying let's be exclusive, or no? she wanted to both be fuck buddies AND do romantic things but didn't want to just be my gf. wtf?

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

The problem here is you are putting on the "I'm such a playa" act, when in reality you just want a girlfriend. If you want to give off real playa vibes, you need to actually be fucking lots of women.

Fucking lots of women makes you less needy and less jealous, because you're not afraid of losing one girl, knowing you have loads of backups. Girls can feel this.

Never get attached to a girl who hasn't pushed for monogamy.

Is there a different act I need to be putting on? Isn't that act the one that attracts potential gfs in the first place? i'll admit i'm not really about just fucking random women who don't interest me beyond looks.

totally agree with your last sentence though.


*EDIT* let's get a little more concrete with this. she updated her fb status last night saying:

"blame nothing but blood, hot or cold as it may be"

not sure if it refers to the fact that she is being cold-blooded or if she's calling me hot-blooded, but in my mind it's always a better sign when they say angry or sad stuff or ANYTHING rather than nothing at all.

last night I was really tempted to write her this long email basically saying i want to explain some stuff because we see each other around a lot and i don't want us to be awkward or cold. i compliment her strengths some and then say i wasn't trying to be a dick by ruining our romantic evening but needed to know we were exclusive and had lately gotten the impression that we weren't. i said i just wasn't interested in being romantic with someone who wasn't exclusive with me. fwb's are one thing but fwb's don't go on long walks or visit one another in the hospital (she had a surgery and i hung out with her there one night). then i wish her luck and will see her around.

i didn't send it bc i'm not sure if i want to totally write this chick off nor if she even deserves the email, i'm pretty sure it would destroy any attraction or reduce her interest level but who knows. part of me would rather wait a week and see if she texts me at all. if not i can send it and move on or just move on without doing anything, if so she's still interested and we go from there...

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Do not send that email. It's really weak. I will send a longer reply later.

ok

thanks man appreciate the help

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

For this case, never say. Just DO. There's your mistake. Let girls ask the "What are we?" question. If you like the girl, hint at it and let the girl close the deal. The needy vibe is VERY strong in you. Anyway, that's water under the bridge. Learn from the experience.

Hunter_Foxe is here. You're in good hands.

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Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

Email as a form of communication is weak. If you don't have the balls to say something to her face, don't say it at all.

Ignore Facebook statuses, they are simply a teenage cry for attention. It may or may not have been about you. Reacting to it shows you are paranoid, so just ignore it.

The "playa" act is not working for you because this girl knows that that is exactly what it is; an act. You thoughts and actions are not aligned, you're not being congruent. This means you're acting all cool about the other guy, but she knows you're not cool about it, so your masculine frame is really weak right now.

You say you don't want to fuck hot women if they're all just "looks". Are you sure about that son? Are you telling me if your phone was blowing up every night with hot models asking to suck your cock again, you'd be all like "No way babe. I'm serious about this other chick".
Do you ever fap to porn? We all have carnal desires, don't deny them, it's unnatural. I'm capable of fucking chicks on the side and I'm capable of making love to my girlfriend in the same week. Are you?

For the sake of argument, I will accept that you don't want to "just fuck" hot models no strings attached. If you really cannot fuck a woman without some kind of emotional connection with her, then do exactly that. Form deep emotional bonds with several women and make love to all of them. If that's your style, then roll with it.

If you're incapable of polygamy and you cannot emotionally handle the idea of fucking this girl and other girls while she also fucks someone else, your only choice is to dump her. If this is your choice, be a man and do it in person. But personally I would carry on fucking her and look for other women.

Ask yourself, where does your sense of self-worth come from? Does it come from you or does it come from how many women you've slept with? The reason why I consistently pull is because my sense of self-worth does not come from how many girls I'm fucking. It comes from me and me alone. Your fear of being alone is keeping you attached to this girl. Don't fear being single, it is often the best place to be. More freedom, more self improvement, more money, more time.

Don't be scared homie. Ground zero is awesome.

yep good call. shoulda just toned down accepting her invitations to do romantic stuff when she didn't want to have sex. she really initiated pretty much everything with me, i never invited her on a walk or to do anything romantic. i'd say 80 percent of the time she initiated conversations and plans. again, i had her chasing but the paranoia with this other dude fucked me over, especially when she didn't hint at wanting an exclusive relationship the entire time... generally girls move TOO quick toward a relationship and that shit just wasn't happening here.. something was up

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

i already dumped her face to face man bc she didn't want to be in a relationship, that's at the bottom of my first long post sorry if it wasn't clearer. i said i guess she has exclusivity issues and that i need to find someone who actually wants to be with me long term and she said she didn't have exclusivity issues she just wasn't in a place to be in a relationship. then i said well it was fun and she said (in actually a happy tone, strangely) yeah it was! and i bounced. no contact since other than a few sad tweets and that fb update by her one day later.

this was obviously a move on my part totally driven by paranoia. looking at it now it was an idiotic decision and i should have just played it cool and built attraction and comfort until she was desperate to be exclusive and not given a fuck if she fucked other guys. she even out-of-the-blue told me i was the best fuck she'd ever had and could work wonders. again i seriously killed myself here guys there was nothing to worry about. this is my achilles heel this paranoia...

but i don't agree that she suspects I'm jealous or remotely intimidated by the other dude, our fights are only when i do some romantic stuff for her and she doesn't reciprocate with sex or at least hooking me up with a bj. i've never even mentioned the other dude bc expressing fears like that ruined my 4 year relationship. and deep down i know i have wayy more going for me than the other guy. it's just i have some psychological weaknesses that i need to overcome.

i still want to fuck her and am kicking myself for closing that door. stupid.

i'm about 60 percent sure she'll text me or contact me again within the next couple weeks. we got into some skirmishes before and i'd always just cut contact and she'd always come back. however this is more drastic so we'll see.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Your inexperience is showing here bro. Once you get into more sexual situations with women (especially the really hot ones or girls with long term boyfriends / married women), you will realise that women use men for sex far more than men use women.I'm happy to oblige their insatiable libidos. Women are just more discreet about it, because a girl with a "slut" reputation has far more to lose in life than a guy who is "stud".

welly welly well my droogs, she texted me as i was typing that last reply. i'll pat myself on the back for going completely cold rather than sending that email, which i absolutely would have done a year ago before i started learning about game. but let's get into some real game here, it's more fun.

here's the text:

"i'm sad that you left saturday night and i do think i'm in a stunted place emotionally. for the record i had told you i wasn't feeling frisky earlier and i was so tired and i imagined us waking up and having fun together. but i wasn't able to articulate anything saturday night. i am so bad at communication and i know i am not going to get better at it overnight."

so basically this is a "not sure i want this to be over" text in my mind, right? it seems pretty honest and it doesn't mention anything implying we made the right decision not being together or her saying she just wants to be single, nothing about wishing me good luck or anything... those are the usual "final" conversations i generally have with women.

here are my goals so you guys can help me out with more direction:
1. i would like to keep having sex with her
2. i would like to build (very slowly after all this shit) toward a trusting relationship but WITHOUT having this paranoia that she is seeing other guys, even if she is. even if it doesn't work out between us, i just want to live in full confidence without worrying about shit like that because i really do have a lot of strong points that are getting obscured by this irrational fear.

my gut tells me to several days or even a week before responding to this text. generally she will text an apologetic text and i will wait maybe a day or several hours and then respond in a way that makes her work to slowly gain my attention again, which she always does.

what should the response be?

thankfully she did not mention anything about exclusivity, meaning she still thinks i am pissed about not having sex with her.

thanks guys for reading all this shit and helping me out.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

That's fine then. You dumped her. Move on, stand by your decision. If she contacts you again, you will know whether she is ready to rekindle the relationship on your terms. You spelled out the reason for dumping her. If she really respected you and loved you in the way you deserve, she would beg you to stay and promise to change. Or at least contact you a few days later promising to change. You did the right thing. You wanted to find out how serious she was about you, which, by the sounds of it, was not very serious at all if she was prepared to let you go with a big smile on her face. You got the info you wanted. You should be happy you found out now and saved yourself heartache further down the line.
Learn from your mistake or it will have been in vain. So that when you meet the next girl {who will be twice as hot as this girl} you will be better prepared.

Paranoia and jealousy are inextricably linked. One causes the other.
Your mentality is totally wrong. You shouldn't be Mr. Nice Guy just to get sex in return. You are giving her all the sexual power. You should always make her work for your attention, only reward her with affection AFTER she gives you a mind blowing BJ or AFTER she cooks/cleans/irons your shirts, NEVER before. Train her like a pet:
- BJ / Food / Cleaning etc. = Affection.
- With-holding sex / Nagging / Bitching / Tantrums / Flirting in front of you = With-hold affection / Soft Next / Dump (if behaviour doesn't improve). Easy.
Are you not even slightly excited about the prospect of new, undiscovered, tight, wet pussies?
She sounds like a drama queen. Not worth the hassle imo. In business there's a theory that 80% of your problems are caused by 20% of your customers {i.e. girls}. Get rid of the problem customers and you only have 20% problems, leaving you more time to find higher quality women who won't give you all the drama and problems.

**edit. Just read your update. She sounds like a naughty little girl who pushes boundaries to see how much she can get away with, then when you leave, she comes back with her tail between her legs, bottom lip wobbling and crocodile tears in her eyes. As HH said, keep it casual. Don't say it's an FWB. Keep pumping Option 1 as much as you can, do not even hint at Option 2 until she pushes for it (to regain your frame). You are a typical man. You treat relationships like some sort of practical problem which needs solving. All you need to think about right now is the raging boner in your pants. Give up on the idea of a relationship and let it come to you. If it's meant to be, you shouldn't have to force it with ultimatums.

p.s. FWIW if I was a girl and you came on this heavy after only 3 months, I would run a fucking mile.

you know your shit man i respect that. i agree i need to train her and that was a mistake on my part big time. how should i respond to this text she sent? do i freeze her a few days to really get her missing me? when the time comes what should i text? this is another weak area of my game, how to switch between being cold and letting her back in, i tend to stay cold too long or let her back in too quick, can't find the happy medium.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.