I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, with a 1-week break in-between just over a year ago. For the last year or so, I've been getting regular signs that she's quite bored. She'll never want to stay over too long (don't worry, I don't push it), she'll be uninterested in sex until I make a move, won't start conversations, things like that... however, whenever I bring up anything with her, she denies it all, gets defensive, and says things are absolutely fine.

She's been exhibiting this behaviour more and more the last few weeks, so I decided to snoop around on her phone and see what I could find.

She had this convo with her friend the other day:
What should I do to turn this situation around? Any help is appreciated

How do you bring it up with her?

Most of the time I let it slide and don't do anything, and just act like it doesn't phase me.. the times I've brought it up have basically been stuff like "Hey you haven't been talking much lately, everything alright?" but her reaction is always to get really defensive and say I'm imagining it

Definately don't bring up the fact you went through her phone. Try to spice things up and make more of an effort to be fun and try new things.

1st you need to decide where you are headed with her

after 3 years you should know what you are going to do , you are either going to stay together for good, or you are going to split

if you decide you want to stay with her you already have the clue that she is bored so lift your game , start putting some effort in , do random things, weekends , going places etc etc

if you arent planning on going the distance then man up and make the split , its far better and cleaner sooner rather than later

I'll hazard a guess in assuming that this strategy hasn't been serving you too well.

It must be quite frustrating and concerning that you see your gf saying she's bored in the relationship. It would understandably shake my security with the relationship. How can you full fill this need for security? Because sitting with these feelings of discomfort isn't fun, and waiting for her to bring this up isn't helping the matter of giving you any peace of mind.

This is very difficult to do, because if I try and make an effort to do exciting things with her, she's very disinterested. It usually takes some convincing on my part to get her to go anywhere with me, and even then she seems not very into it.

You're right but I'm pretty stuck, because if I bring up that she's bored then she'll just get defensive and deny it. If I subtly try and make things more interesting, she'll won't go along with it. I don't think I should bring up the phone convo snooping because that will look pretty bad on me. I'm kind of thinking that I need to do something drastic like break up but I really do want this to work out in the end

I'm sorry for being that guy but that's the cold truth..
This girl is forcing herself to be in a LTR with you to prove a point to herself , relatives or w/e . You should break it off now for your own sake.

You are being completely taken for granted. Do try and spice things up, and do some fun stuff, but I would also advise you to start considering breaking up with her. She basically almost told her friend that you dont really mean that much and that she doesnt give a fuck, so if you dont dump her, she will dump you, its just a matter of time. But like I said, try to fix it as a last chance, and that way you would know you did everything you could to save the relationship when you start thinking about the break up. And who knows, maybe she will rethink how important you are to her after the break-up and then try to get back with you and put an effort into the relationship. Good luck.

Completely agree with this. Essentially, right now, youre waiting for her to give you the bullet. Make a real effort to spice things up but realise you are being taken for granted. Be ready to give her the bullet first if you need to.

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REBORN

Is this is a male friend?

That's an assumption we have absolutely no way of knowing. The only way you can say that with any certainty is if she's spoken to you herself and conveyed this to you, otherwise its just a jump in logic at this point and will likely only add confusion to the OP's situation.

I like the suggestion of spicing things up, but the whole "start considering breaking up with her" will only create a lot of cognitive dissonance - after all, why invest in someone who you're considering on leaving?

The second part "she basically almost told her friend that you don't really mean that much and she doesn't give a fuck" is an evaluation and a judgment on her feelings towards the relationship. Her being "bored" may simply mean she wants to work on the relationship but perhaps she doesn't know how to bring this up with her partner for fear of hurting his feelings. The behavior can be rooted to any number of unmet needs, we don't know. That's the point of having a conversation about it with her. There's a lot of evaluations and judgments being bandied about here and it's not going to do this guy any good other than fuelling negative feelings.

Just from what I read, my first suggestion would be to spice things up. But frankly, your gf doesn't sound like she is worth your effort. She's content with the relationship flatlining and doesn't seem to care about fixing it from her messages. She never referenced having looked for ways to fix her feelings or asked her friend for suggestions. She just described her feelings but doesn't sound like she cares. If she has felt this way for a while and hasn't taken steps to either communicate those feelings, or taken initiative herself to spice things up then why should you be the one to? Also, you have asked her and she has denied the truth.

YOU'RE the one who came online to help your relationship. YOU'RE the one who has tried communicating. SHE has done nothing. She's not on the girl forum looking for answers. At least from her messages doesn't sound like she has tried. She could tell her friend who I assume she hasn't talked to in a long time all her feelings but couldn't tell you. What does that say? Ask yourself, if she doesn't care enough to work on things why should you? And if this is a guy friend, I'd say sounds like she's putting herself out there for something to happen.