So brief history.

Met some girl a few weeks back who was seeing some guy, we got on really well. Then a few weeks later we got it on.

We are laying in bed the other night and she was being really sweet saying that she didnt want to sleep because she was enjoying being with me, and we ended up having sex in the morning. She later text me saying she really enjoyed the night and wanted to do something when we get back to college after christmas.

Since we have been texting quite a bit, she usually always texts first. Then a couple nights ago she said why do I always think bad of her? Just me joking around saying she was taking advantage of me and she was using me....lol

So I said i dont think bad of you now shush. And we continued the conver and she went to bed. Yesterday I didnt message her at all even tho she messaged me, i felt as tho some space might be good.

Messaged her this morning and it was going ok, but seemed as though she was knocking me down a bit, so i said to her, i dont think bad of you at all. Then asked her how she feels about me, in which she replied "I don't know" , so i just thought i would put it out there as she has been saying all week she doesnt want a fuck buddy etc... so i told her that i have got a thing for her and i think shes sweet and that i would give something a go. which she replied "I don't know what to say to that"

We then got back into discussion and it wasnt that bad, i was just a bit pissed that I had said that and she had the stronger ball i guess. So i tried being flirty getting her to take a pic for me, but she said no, so i said to her, text me later when if your not going to keep knocking me down. And she replied, I'm not knocking you down. I'l let you get on.

Feel as though iv really messed something up here. Was thinking should I just leave her to make contact, or just give her a little message saying sorry if that came accross as me being a dick.

She's texted me so much up to now, maybe shes having second thoughts, distancing myself is probs a good idea, but dont know if i should do it with her thinking im being unreasonable.

I personally dont think you did anything wrong. She was being sweet with you, so you wanted to be sweet with her in return. I would have probably done the same.

But she obviously didnt apppreciate your gesture. My view is I dont think she is the kind of girl you should make yourself vulnerable with, or put yourself out there, because she is going to use it to gain leverage over you. I am maybe reading too much into it, maybe with a little more info, we can help you better. But I dont think she is relationship material. If I were you, I would distance myself a bit, avoid making myself vulnerable, and keep her as a fuckbuddy.

well a few weeks ago she was still hung up on some other guy, but she ended up getting with me, then i guess we were being casual, she went out one night and had her first ever ONS, which she told me about. However, i thought she only kissed this guy, but then laying in bed last week she told me she had slept with 2 guys, and i said, thought it was only one? and she said, no i told you, and i thought it was only a kiss.

Anyway, she went quiet and felt really bad for ages. She got upset about it. TBF though had i of known she slept with that guy i would not have gone on a date with her a few days later.

I think you could be right here though, she doesnt like me saying we are just fuck buddies, yet she loves the cuddles, sex and other shit. Yet when i say anything she disregards it.

It may go back to the guy she lost her V to, he basically F and Chucked her, but whos knows.

I will start to distance a bit, especially on the emotional side and see how it goes.

Just messaged her saying I gotta be going to the gym,but give me a message later if your feeling it.

FFS, she messaged back telling me to text her when I'm not busy as shes not doing anything tonight.

See what happens. If anyone else has any suggestions then feel free to post. Thaanks.

Ok in my opinion you made a couple of booboos, like, you haven't been present to read her properly
Ok I think this is not ideal, it sounds like the girl is getting into you emotionally, she really likes you,
And she's coming to you to try and create greater intimacy, she's revealing her insecurity
and you shut her down by saying shush which is like saying, no, don't be intimate, don't be vulnerable, don't be honest
those things deepen the attraction
actually what you want to do at this point is be sweet and invite her to talk
say something like "do you feel a bit insecure when I tease you?"
and just get her to talk about it, listen, draw her out get her to talk more
you don't even necessarily need to respond
she will feel much better after talking to you and see that you're a real person, not just some playa who just plays the right cards to get a bang

why? she's was feeling insecure. She wanted to know you cared as much as she did
yes because she had stored up resentment towards you because of what you had done and how you reacted when she wanted to share herself with you like a girlfriend. She didn't want to be direct about it (because it would make her vulnerable again, or because she doesn't know how). You could run all this stuff by her and ask if I'm right or not.again, why would she tell you when she wasn't feeling connected to you? you can only ask this of a girl when the two of you are feeling the connection, you were obviously missing the connection you had before so now you are trying to reintroduce it by talking and faking it, that's not how it works. You need to let her open up emotionally so she gives you the signals, then all you need to do is be. Don't try and do too much, work with what is, don't try to make it something else. Just create the space for it to grow naturally Bro I'm sorry but you completely misread her level of interest at the time! It really doesn't matter what she said all week, it matters what was going on at that moment... You were not connected to each other and you sort of puked up all your emotions on her which made you come across clueless. She was obviously not in the mood with you to hear these things and you were trying to win her back which made you look needy instead of romantic, weak rather than on your centre, poor at reading her and acting accordingly. Connection before correction. Feel the vibe before acting, don't just go up to your head and try and say what you think you should say, be real! It's not a formula to be applied it's an organic moving thing between the two of you.
Man Alive! What are you doing? Was there any indication that it was an appropriate time for this? of course she did. Because you keep on ignoring her and seeing her as a nut to crack instead of looking at how she responded to you and acting accordingly. In other words, I still like you but you haven't got a clue how to talk to me.
I hope my post helps you identify what is going on.

You don't need to appologise in those words, it might still make you seem like you are just trying to do anything to get back on her good side which is very unattractive. What you need to do is reestablish the connection by helping her feel it is natural to open up, and by being a good listener. One way you can do that is just by asking, "Hey, you know when you were asking why I thought badly of you and kept saying you were just using me for sex, and I told you to shush... did you feel like I was shutting you down and not understanding you properly?"

If it's right then she will feel relief like "oh he is understanding what I was going through" and should send something back like "yeah.. I was because... x y and z" and you just stay with what she is saying and show you understand before correcting anything she says.

It might be better to do it on the phone like "Hey I know things have been a bit funny o thought I'd phone you up and ask if you felt... whatever" that way you can get her to talk about everything. That is, if she isn't to off you to feel uncomfortable when she sees your number come up on the screen.
No. Distancing is not going to help. Confronting the emotional blocks to your connection is necessary to save the relationship. If you come on too strong you will scare her away. If you retreat she'll find someone else thinking that either you're a dick or you don't have a clue.

Best of luck.

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those who say it can't be done should get the fuck out the way of those doing it

double post

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those who say it can't be done should get the fuck out the way of those doing it

triple post

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those who say it can't be done should get the fuck out the way of those doing it

She's got all the power now. You gave it to her. Just show a lack of interest but maintain physical interactions(Sex and what not). Before long she'll get needy and seek validation from you. Don't give it to her.

coperican, thankyou very much for that in depth analysis. I see exactly what you mean here.

Update: That night she started messaging me, from nowhere snap chats me her body, so i played it cool and just wrote tease, then she started sexting me as i told her what i was going to do to her. Seemed to build a strong connection, she was having a play at the time...

After she was saying how she misses me, cant wait to be with me etc.... was not expecting this, but it was nice.

Then yesterday we got on well again, and there seemed to be alot more about us having sex and spending time with each other from her.

One thing that did happen was the other night we had sex, for first 5 mins no condom.... bad i know. I made a joke that i probs caught something, and then she laughed saying it was fun and risky, where i bluntly ended the conversation saying, that should not have happened. A break as i never responded. And she started a new conversation. Think I got the power back as to say.

she also got a new hair style today, and sent me a photo saying she doesnt think she likes it. I asked, why not? shes trying to seek validation here. i dont want to come accross and say, yeah i love it? etc...? I need to keep the attraction up?

I got to hold this off for another 2+ weeks really, would you recommend just talking to her normal ? I feel as though im shit at this, and last xmas i met a girl before the holidays, we text/talked loads, then just before we got back to college she went off with some other guy. I feel as though im going to be fucked over if something happens, and a lot of people say just do what ever, message her when your back. play it cool whatever..

This evening she messaged me saying "I miss you" , which i thought was sweet of her, i replied, awww thats cute.

Didn't know if it was good to say it back, so i called her a sweety as well, I feel as though im playing games a bit, but i dont want to come across as desperate or needy in anyway which I have done in the passed. Think we are at a good stage SPAM tho.

I'd say just say what it looks like, it doesn't need to be a compliment or an insult jsut describe it. Like if a child draws a picture of a house and garage you can go "OH WOW THAT IS BEAUTEEFUL" or say "Ah look a tthat you drew a house, and a garage, and the sun is shining." Lol but anything could go
It sounds to me like you are dealing with past anxieties in the present. Like you haven't had good relationships in the past and you can't actually believe that something good is happening in your life so you are just anticipating it fucking up and you are terminally feightened of being yourself. Is that right?

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those who say it can't be done should get the fuck out the way of those doing it

As much as I hate to admit it. I think this could be a problem.

I think another problem is that we hung out and did stuff, but then a few days later she was texting me all night, and then went off and slept with another guy, just kinda proved my luck. I took it as though they just kissed, and we went out to the cinema 2 days later, and then did stuff on the week end, then found out the next week that she had had a ONS.

This didn't bother me too much as iv slept with quite a few girls, and shes now slept with 3. But since this point we have hung out more, and tonight she messaged me saying she really wants to see me, and i said i am going back to college sooner, so she said she will come back sooner as well. She is really sweet. That one night stand thing doesn't bother me too much, doesnt seem like her either, but she did feel like shit when she found out i didnt realise it was sex, but maybe she was just confused at the time, we arn't exclusive, however as i said recently i have invested alot more time in her and i do feel as though in the passed i have fucked it up.

I also may think that if i now start seeing her, she may some how think she can get away with sleeping with other guys still, as i have got with alot of girls at college who have been in relationships, guess i need to trust, but also not make known my insecurities. I'm trying to ensure that my life is great without her mentality.

It has been going well the last couple of days, she has been messaging me alot, she said she was bored and wanted me to entertain her. She also has been sending me some hot pics. And said she misses me, but she still calls me her friend.

I told her we are not friends, and she says she thinks we are.

Any ideas on carrying this on? I would like her to be exclusive with me tbh, but havn't said anything as im letting her bring it up.

after reading your story the only thing comes out of my mind that you made a mistake BUDDY!!!

how?

This girl makes me iffy. If she's going around sleeping with other guys, then it doesn't really sound like she is totally invested in you. This could also bring up some problems in the future if she proves to be as unfaithful in the relationship. It also sounds like she's using you for her own entertainment, which is not okay at all.

To me, reading through all of this makes me think that the spark between you two is also slowly dying out. Sex is great, but it is the highest form of investment into a relationship besides proposing to her. As a good friend of mine also pointed out to me a long time ago, and I even experienced first-hand myself, sex can also have the reverse effect of drawing two people closer. With home base hit, where else is there to go? Nowhere really, and thus the relationship goes on a slow, downhill climb.

Winter break is a truly awful thing to deal with. Distance can either make or break the relationship, and it all depends on how both partners react to the spacing between them. Although it looks like you two are reacting the same, I'm pretty sure she isn't as affected by the distance. Her background with other guys makes me think that she's just going to flirt with, or she is even flirting with right now, another guy you don't know about right now.

As the other members have pointed out, you are too invested in this right now. You have made a few right choices, such as flirting, teasing, and taking free time for your own, but I would agree in that I think she controls things between you two right now. If you wanted to take control, I would say to abstain and start blowing her off every now and again.

Overall, I would say to quit with this girl. There's just too many warning signs with her, and you can probably go and find someone better.

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"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."