The gf (29) and I (35) had an episode late last week. Often times the dynamic can become passive-aggressive until it reaches an explosion whereby both of us feel hurt, spent, and usually ends up in her needing space.

The pattern has been caustic at times, to say the least. Me, taking the pursuer role trying to (in my mind at least) repair the situation, whereas she withdrawals and becomes almost impossible to connect with. In spite of my best intentions, obviously this approach does not work too well. I am still wrestling with my own attachment fears (which at times are quite intense), so you can imagine that by her needing her space (which she's perfectly entitled to) it leaves me wanting and often feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. The two of us, at my suggestion, have sought-out counselling as a couple, for which I also plan to attend individually to sort-out my own attachment related issues.

On more than a few occasions the two of us felt spent and near the point of throwing in the towel. We both love each other very much, but at times it feels that our 'nature' gets the better of us - although I have taken significant steps to curtail my Pursuing tendencies when things get rough.

Although things had been going relatively well for the past month and some change, last Wednesday I was bothered by comments she'd made which I deemed insensitive and her overall bitchiness towards me (taking a sharp tone, being short, indifferent to my presence at times). In short she was being extremely passive aggressive. I had actually felt so irritated that I abruptly left her place later that evening. The next day, when she'd told me that she wanted to do her own thing, she called me out saying I acted like a child by leaving like that, and that she wants a man not a child - emasculating stuff and done publicly outside her building for all to see in broad daylight. She'd also threatened to breakup with me if I acted that way one more time.

I saw her again on Friday, going to her place to pick her up so we could go workout together (my idea, seeing as we hadn't worked out in a few days together). She greeted me with indifference at her place when I'd arrived - also should mention she wasn't even ready at 2pm as agreed, but instead needed another half hour (tells me this 10 minutes before I arrive). We leave her building to head to my car and at one point I'd tried holding her hand (something she's frequently doing with me) and she held back stating that I'm "acting clingy" - which felt rejecting, particularly when your partner of over a year is saying this. She'd also told me prior to our heading to the gym that she wants to do her own thing afterward (in spite of not living together, we see each other daily and often nightly). Once in the gym she went to change into her gym gear, at which point I texted her telling her that I don't mind working out with her (we almost always train together) so long as she doesn't "act like a cow". This set her off, understandably. The short of it is she insisted on working out by herself, however at the end of the workout she texts me that she wants to hangout w me at my place and watch a movie. While I was reluctant to give a "yes" or "no" at that moment, I felt good that it seemed like she warmed up and wanted to connect again.

What happened next boggled my mind and stirred my anger. As we were leaving the gym in my car for my house, she gets a text from her gf (a friend I believe, though can't verify, she has a crush on). She immediately then tells me "I'm hanging out with so-and-so tonight". I felt it quite disrespectful for her to make plans with me and then cancel out on me in such a manner only half hour later - worse yet for a girl I feel she has a crush on (my gf has admitted to being bi-curious). The short of it is I said it's not ok and I had felt grossly disrespected, and with that offered to drop her off by a bus station to find her way home. I then recanted offering to take her home instead, however she flew off the handle at me in-turn saying how dare I raise my voice at her, and with that she demanded I drop her off, which I did.

I texted her shortly after how hurt I felt from her making plans with me like that, and by her frosty SPAM towards me the day leading up to that moment. She'd told me to not text her call her, which I respected (in past I would get quite reactive and text her incessantly). The next morning she'd sent me a long text apologizing for her behavior, however at some level blaming me by saying my insistence to talk about her rejecting my wanting to hold hands made her angrier and angrier (which is understandable, in hindsight of course).

I ended up seeing her Saturday evening for a family dinner. After which she came to my place with me and we watched a movie. She'd also invited me to go with her to her grandpop's bday the following day. The night overall was going ok, she was making clear signs she wanted to be close to me as we laid in bed together. After the movie things quickly soured. She was making some goofy faces while posing for my camera phone. I took a few shots after which I laughed and said they're cute photos. She looked at them and demanded I delete them. I initially refused, after which point she angrily protests threatening "ok, you're not coming to my grandfolks tomorrow then!". I'm incredulous at that point, and tell her to stop acting in such a juvenile way, making threats. I then deleted the photos and drove her home during which time she tells me how upset she is that I called her names (I only accused her of acting like a child, not saying she IS one). Needless to say I apologized just to burry the issue. Moments later she seemed her normal self. I drop her off, she kisses me gnite and says "see you tomorrow".

I get home shortly after only to find a few texts saying she's going to get a ride to her grandfolks and that she's not doing this to hurt me, but that she feels things are on the same path again (as they were a few days earlier with respect to her cancelling plans on me half hour after making them). All day yesterday i made a concerted effort to not contact her, or at least do so only when she contacts me first - this was not my bid to be passive-aggressive but rather a response to her feeling "smothered". What's interesting is she's used the "smothered" bit before, but its often her wanting to be around me as often as I want to be around her. In fact, several times over the past few weeks I'd dropped her off at home for her to ask that I stay over with her. The other day she'd even told me that when she'd asked to hangout with me Friday night, I should have stood firm and insisted we do our own thing (as she'd suggested hours earlier). Not sure what happened to accountability. It seems she wants me to be responsible for every decision she makes.

Late at night I fire a text to her asking how her day went and about an hour or so after ignoring it she responds that she wonders why I wasn't texting her all day. Holy HELL!! Today I made an effort, sending her a "good morning" text and engaging her on idle banter after I tried calling her and she declined the call because she was watching a TV show. Anyhow, she's acting aloof and curt with me now and my initial inclination was to be passive-aggressive back. Now I'm taking the opposite approach and instead wishing her a nice day etc... Her and I do have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow, if we even make it till then.

Just curious as to any thoughts, or ideas on how I may better approach the situation. And yes, breaking up is a viable option, although I don't really want to do that at this point without giving therapy a bit of a chance.

Man...I got so much to say and ask, but I'll hold it. A lot of messed up and disfunctional behavior on both parts. I'll just say this and be back later: If you need counseling ONE year in, then damn

Females view the silent SPAM as the most dominant passive-aggressive punishment.

In the long run, though, if you want to save the relationship, you have to sit down and have regular talks.

Certainly it's an attention seeking tactic guised as a form of punishment ("you aren't being the way I want you to be so therefore I'll punish you with my absence"). It targets ones attachment fear, as it's intended to on a subconscious level.

Healthy communication is what distinguishes bad relationships from good ones. There's only so much I can do, she ultimately has to move past her ego to be able to broach anything t resuming healthy non lassie aggressive dialogue. Hopefully this can be realized through therapy, if not there's nothing else I can really do but work on myself even if that involves leaving her/

You are trying to communicate to her by telling her what's bothering you. I am assuming you are trying to keep your cool when you do, which you should.
However by what you are telling us here it seems she gets defensive all the time. Or worse, she is just not putting in the effort to solve problems.
Relationship is a team game. It requires two to work. And communication is key. If you do your best and she doesn't do the same, then you have to have the willingness to walk. If you do don't cave in. If she doesn't chase you and you cant see any improvement on her behaviour then it's not the relationship you want.
It suck as shit, but you are better off on your own rather then with a girl with who you constantly feel stressed about.

This is spot on

As men, I think it's in our nature to solve problems or fix things.

But honestly, your situation is something I know nothing about. It's something I have yet to experience. I can only empathize as one PUA brother to another.

Yours is a very interesting case. I want to understand it some more through the inputs of the more experienced and knowledgeable guys who have been in a similar situation before, and at the same time, am hoping this would turn out for the better for you.

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D is for "Delete"

Rant ahead, (don't take it personal):

I gotta say I read this shit sometimes and alot of you guys in the Rs section are shitty selfish and desperate people. I mean forget game and all that shit, but you chose a girl of a year, over a friend of 3 years. Forget alpha and beta, but what about just being a man with some fricking values and a backbone. Your gf was a bitch to your friend and instead of walking away, or putting your foot down you chose her over a girl who sounds like a genuine cool chick. 99% of the problems here could be solved by not putting your gf first in everything. It's always she's greater than your happiness, your friends, your family, your career, your dick and then people wonder why they eventually lose interest or the girl treats them like crap. It's because YOU treat yourself like crap so why shouldnt she. You were a shitty friend and if your girl is the most important thing to you, youre going to lose her anyways.

Being a man isn't about being able to freeze out your gf when she does something. It's about knowing what you value and having enough strength to walk away when someone is being a bitch or disrespects someone close to you. My girl of 2 years doesn't like my friend and dumps me for it? Man, I'd be gone at the bar with my friend an hour later having fun instead of begging her back and disowning someone and then sneaking to talk to someone who has probably done more for me than she has.

You'd misread. I cut myself off from my friend not out of appeasement to my GF, but rather because she was imposing conditions to the friendship (e.g., not permitting me to even mention my GF's name, refusing to talk to my GF to make peace UNLESS she is able to tell her how she feels about her personally etc.). So, it had more to do with my friend not respecting my boundaries, and nothing to do with ditching a friend my GF simply didn't care for.

That's not what was written and now it's deleted. You wrote that your gf broke up with you over this. And that now you know you'll be in trouble if she found out you were talking to your old friend behind her back. Doesn't jive with the whole your friend was the problem story. By your words your friend was nice and your gf was the aggressive one. I mean it's not my business but you know what your wrote and the fact that you deleted it and want to change the story is not good

Your girlfriend is acting immature. This was your version of the story, it's hard to know how guilty you are of the same thing.

When my marriage finally blew up and all the problems that existed were brought into the open, I started reading books to learn what went wrong, and to help understand myself better.

The bottom line is this, if you don't think your gf makes you a better person, or helps you be your best self, then it is time to cut the cord. If you don't want to be the one to make that decision, then tell yourself you are still dating her, or whatever. But I highly suggest you figure out what work you think you need to do on you, and focus on that. Maybe she will see your progress, and will want to do the same. Maybe not. But I'll bet that when you reach a place where you feel like you are as good as you can be, it will be a lot easier for you to decide how to deal with her and/or your relationship.

Some of the behavior you talk about in your post is normal. But normal does not imply "good", and it's up to you what sort of a relationship you want to be in. The facts are that as long as you are in a relationship you don't want, it is almost impossible to get involved in a new relationship that is what you do want.

Gained some valuable insight today. Dynamic is very history focused 'he said/she said'. Quite entrenched however with effort we can def move past this old debilitating habit. One of the key issues was the lack of space we afforded each other (seeing each other for extended periods of time daily), more specifically the lack in respecting each other's boundaries. Powerful realization, though it'll take a great deal of work to overcome. Def doable. As per the friend, i didn't sanitize or edit anything.

The GF was more than willing to patch things up, however my friend was resistant and would only meet with her on condition that she can grill her on how negatively she perceives her - not exactly conducive to moving forward. That's why I pulled myself out of an untenable situation. The only diff now is that said friend is now willing to come to the plate and deal with things more maturely.

You're in a toxic, codependent relationship. Unfortunately, that is what our society likes to pass off as "normal" and "typical."

Get therapy--WITHOUT HER THERE--for what draws you into, and keeps you in, toxic relationships.

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Dude, you deleted the post. You can't edit something any more than by deleting it. Who writes something about a situation, then deletes it, then changes it completely when called on it? Story was your gf was the one who told your friend she was in denial about liking you, then she broke up with you because you were in denial. Either the first story was made up, or this new take on it is made up. With the actions of your gf in your original post and the fact that you deleted the post where she broke up with you, it's obvious you were ashamed by the post, hence deleted it.

Anyways, as I said it's not my business and if you want to hide facts and spin the truth then shit really is toxic. That's like the battered wife who tells herself she really did slip and fall into her boyfriend's fist. But hey, that's your choice to stay with a girl who treats you like crap and write it off as passive aggressive.
So she gets mad and you submit to make her happy. You must constantly be in fear of setting her off. She tells you what to do, gets you to leave your friends and gets mad at you later on. This is known as an ABUSIVE relationship. Heck, she dumped you because a friend liked you. Listen to chtown and vhoul. Because I won't be surprised if she has or will start to hit you and I mean that genuinely. And no, you're not leaving her no matter what.