Hi, I'am 28 and I've been in LTR for 9 years and already for 5 years I wan’t to break up with my girlfriend. Every time I try to break up with her, I (I have tried 3 times already) start to feel sorry for her because she says such things as “You have ruined my life! What I am going to do without you! There is no reason to live anymore.” She cries a lot. And at such moments it is hard for me to control myself. I usually hug her and I try to calm her down. But then it usually gets even worse because I am starting to consider that I can sacrifice my life for her to be happy. I know this is nonsense but that is how I always have felt – hero who needs to save everyone, hero who can sacrifice his life.

While I am in this terrible relationship there is impossible for me to find the woman I want be with. Women that I want will always consider me as lowest beta while I am in this relationship because I have been whining about how bad it is and how I want to change everything in my life but at the end I do nothing. For example, last weekend I was in the wedding, I was the best man. And there was this pretty bridesmaid (HB9) that I have known for 8 years. I have always liked her. But when I first met her I was in LTR already for 2 years so I didn’t hit on here. When I was told that she will be in this wedding I was so happy and so excited. All the wedding day we spent together we talked a lot, we hugged a lot and I even managed to kiss her a few times (simple kisses on the lips).

After the wedding there was a party. I got pretty drunk. I really hate that about myself because when I am drunk I start to lose my shit, I start to whine, etc. So I told her about my relationship, I told how awful it is. And then she told me - ”Why don’t you break up with her! Be the man!” After that conversation she went cold on me for some time but then I took her to dance. And we danced a lot like for 3 straight hours. After party we went to my friends place. I started to drink even more. She went to sleep. I gave her a goodnight kiss.

The next day she had a flight in the morning (she has been living and working in another country for last 5 years but she is going to come back in a year). I took her to airport we hugged, I kissed her (simple kiss on lips) and then she was gone. Same day I already knew that it is going to be as it always has been - I will develop onitis towards hear.

The next day she FB me. We exchanged few messages. She wrote me that see will be in my country in a month and I wrote her that I am really looking forward to see her and I am sad that she didn’t stay for longer. After that no messages from hear and my friend (groom) told me that she is in a relationship for two weeks and that she and her new boyfriend are going on vacation to Greece next week. So now I am desperate.

I now I am AFC, I have been lurking through this PUA forum for last 6 month and I am trying to use this stuff in my everyday life for example I try to DHV and so on. But I have three big problems 1) It is so damn hard for me to break up, 2) I develop onitis extremely fast, 3) What to do with this bridesmaid, I really like her.

I appreciate every advice you can give me. Sorry for my English, it is not my native language. And please move my thread if it is not in appropriate section.

Thanks in advance,
Alex

It's tough man, I was in the same situation myself until recently.

It was a boring relationship where I dreaded having sex with her. Beautiful woman(HB8.5/9), very nice, caring and loving but extremely boring and childish at the same time. Also very naive and extremely innocent(Thus me dreading sex).

I made the mistake of not breaking up with her. She was living here from a different country and was completely dependant on me emotionally. I took the role of her mother, father, sister, friend and extended family, I was more her carer than I was her boyfriend. She pinned all her emotions on me and spent all her time with me, so much so I would feel bad taking time to spend with my friends because I felt she needed me. I gave up a lot to look after her, cancelled holidays with friends, stopped going out and basically only socialised when she came over.

Anyway, in the end she broke up with me and used an excuse to break up. I felt relieved and upset at the same time. I felt I was taken for a ride, I gave up a lot and only she got benefit from the relationship. Towards the end I just couldn't bring myself to sleep with her. I loved her as a person and looked after her because I loved her but I didn't want to be in a relationship with her. It was pretty bad because she broke up with me when I actually needed her. I hadn't done anything to especially upset her or say anything bad to her but she just took an excuse, broke up with me and started talking about being friends but treated me like crap even though I needed her there if only for a day.

What happened was she was crazy in love with me. I liked her... I liked her a lot but not as much as she liked me and before long I grew tired of her. Stopped calling over to her, spending nights in her apartment, cut the time i'd spend with her in half gradually("I'm busy") and gradually stopped having sex with her altogether. It was clearly not working. She began to see it before long and took advantage of the situation. She convinced a friend to come over and then decided she would use me until her friend arrived knowing I wasn't going to break up with her. I'm proud for looking after her because I knew she desperately needed someone but the way it ended is still very upsetting, I deserved much better.

What i'm saying is you've given her enough. How much do you think it will take for her to move on if she knows you're not happy with her? All it will take is some guy who smiles at her and says something nice. It's a bad relationship. You know it's over and so does she, just end it before she finds something to put her in a better position and leave you in the dust.

I have been in your situation. Basically I was with a girl for 3 years. For a year I was wondering that it doesn't go anywhere. But I didn't break up because I was scared that I won't find a new girl.
This all comes down to confidence and laziness. I did break up eventually but it was the hardest decision of my life. She was the wife material. Or I thought.
Anyway I gained so much confidence by just the fact that I realized that I have the balls to break up with someone. It's the best thing you can do to yourself right now.
It's not easy, and you will doubt yourself. She will cry. You will feel sorry. But you know that you can't go back because it doesn't make you happy.
My advice is that break up as soon as possible. You give her a chance to meet someone who will love her. And you give yourself a chance to meet someone that you love and you will feel very very good about yourself eventually trust me.

Been in this situation a few times myself. What you've got to realise is she doesn't really care about your happiness at all if she guilts you into carrying on a relationship you're not happy in. You know you would regret it if you stayed with her for the rest of your life. You just have to bite the bullet, the longer you leave it the harder it will become and the worse the aftermath will be. The guilt will pass as well. It might take a long time but it will pass. You only get one life man. Be happy. Don't sacrifice your own happiness for somebody that doesn't care.

Thanks guys for your advice. Thank you Hobbit for the link you posted, very useful stuff. I realize that I had problem making decision whole my life. I even cannot fire some of my lazy subordinates because I feel sorry for their families.

It is time for me to man up finally. So what I am going to do:

1) Break up with my current girlfriend. I think she knows that I want to break up because yesterday she was so good to me. Our sex life is non-existent (1 in a month at max). But yesterday she wanted me so badly;
2) No more one-itis (easier said than done);
3) Forget about bridesmaid (plenty fish in the sea). As I look back at that day I spent with her – I was so needy and now I am ashamed of myself.

Alex